Adam Sinicki: Bodybuilder, Writer, Gentleman

Late...

2011-11-29T18:04:00.000-08:00

Yo Rich. I'm sorry, but it's 2am in the morning, and I'm up alone and a tad tipsy after having to finish 3,000 words on microscopes... and I really really need a wee. So in other words I can't write my long usual blog here right now (it'll be here though!). The point is though that I am writing something here as promised and you said 'even if it's only a sentence...' and this is far more than a sentence. Currently it is already four sentences.

Anyway just to keep you going until tomorrow, something interesting... hmm... Did you know that the Amazon spits more water into the sea than the next seven biggest rivers combined? Though it's not actually the longest. And did you know that it accounts for 1/3rd of all river water. Wow right?

Stay tuned and you will learn why I was tired and tipsy and couldn't write more tomorrow (it's not very interesting, I just went for a meal...).

I am turning into a woman

2011-11-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

Rich says that I have to write another blog post today as penance for missing it last week. So here it is, hopefully it goes some way to his forgiving me. It also serves as a good opportunity for me to catch up a bit on the week gone by. I still can't think of anything I missed, so I am going to write about my day today in chronological order and then link it in to things that have happened in the last two weeks. Creative!

So I woke up this morning and vaguely saw Hannah get ready for work. She expressed her dismay at the fact that I lie there for a whole hour while she gets ready and that this makes it harder for her, so I had decided I'd wake up this morning and make an effort to sit up and look active. That didn't work though sadly and I fell back asleep.

When I did get up I started working on my app - 'Your Parkour and Freerunning App'. It's a 'feature rich' parkour app that lets you look at pictures and tells you how to do freerunning. There isn't a parkour app on the market really at the moment so I'm hoping this will make me rich. I have a new get rich scheme roughly every week. That took me until about 12pm which means I'd done no work by this time.

The good news though was that at 12 Satpal arrived and like a hero from a legendary quest he came bearing fruit - the important timer part that we needed for our heating! Within hours he had fixed the heating while constantly reassuring me that it wasn't his fault it took so long. I felt kind of sad waving goodbye to Satpal as he skipped into the sunset. He was a fast friend in this new city they call London and I felt we'd built up a strong bond. I resisted the urge to ask if he wanted to go and get coffee. He could have been my man friend!

I also thought I found a man friend the other day in Sainsburies. We both scanned our items (mine was frozen peas) at the same time, and they both went 'bip' at the EXACT SAME TIME. That's actually more rare than you think. We both looked at each other and shared a moment, but I didn't think it was right to ask for his number. Did seem a little like destiny though, and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way.

This also reminds me of a relationship I have established. With the guys who run 'The Vitamin Shop' which is actually 'The Hardcore Bodybuilding Drugs' shop. It has literally every boder-line legal bodybuilding supplement in the world and even 'protein flakes' cereal. At first they told me off for taking photos in their shop (I think they thought I was the fuzz) but we soon formed a fast bond talking about supplements and me trying to promote my website to them (they were also HUGE). I asked if they had Oxavar which is a very strong supplement that's pretty sure to be banned within the next few months (I got depressed last time I took it... but it was so worth it). They said not and got very interested in my tracking down the name and manufacturer for them so they could order it in. I'm now bringing the pot into them next week - so that's basically me taking drugs to a couple of Ukranians in the shiftier part of Ealing. Sort of like dealing... Does that count as a friendship?

Jump forward twelve minutes and we're now at 2pm and I'm calling my sister for a catch up. She gives me a lot of scandalous gossip but I can't share it here I'm afraid... bad times for you! While we chat I also tidy up the house a bit - do some washing up, spray some air freshner and scrub the mould (now we have heating it shouldn't be coming back - eat that mould!). I am being accused of turning into a househusband, which is a little unsettling, but sadly it's pretty hard to argue with.

I then sit down exhausted from my Mary Poppins routine and find I have no energy or inspiration to write. I've felt drained the last few days and my theory is that I am getting woman hormones as a result of spending too much time around females and even moving in with one. This is actually something that can happen (I think), and it explains the cleaning too. So I think I may have woman hormones and that I'm currently on my period. (Unlike my sister who recently has had an implant and now can't have any periods! Lolz). I am worried that soon I might start growing breasts, but this wouldn't be entirely a bad thing. While I manage to sometimes be highly productive and write 20,000 words on feet conditions (it's happened) on other days I just feel empty and spend the days doing inane things. This is the plight of the self employed.

Time: 3.30pm. Activity: Marvelling at how the lid from my protein shaker fits exactly onto a mug I have. Why is this? Could it be that this is an optimum size and so both developers chose that size? Could it be just a FREAK coincidence? Shaken, I sit back down, but my mind wonders how this could be put to use (PROTEIN CUP!).

Time: 3.37pm. Activity: Eating a frozen pea - urgh!

Between the hours of 4 and 5.20 I then actually manage to write 5,000 words, which is very pitiful, but in my defence I have written way over board the last few days and the Parkour app is sort of productive. Because it'll earn me more money in the long run (I have earned about £25 from my keyboard app in a month).

I then give up on 'productivity' and build 'DriBuddy'. This is a device that drys clothes using essentially a hair dryer and a big bag. It's not ideal though as the thing keeps falling over and it has possible the worst design in the world. Anger ensued. DriBuddy is NOT my new man friend.

I also tried to fix the toilet. It makes a groaning noise like a dying whale and keeps the whole flat awake, and I read online I could fix it by twisting some sort of valve. I got bored of reading that paragraph and twisted everything and it stopped for about four hours before coming back with a vengance.

When Hannah gets home I cook kievs for us and pester her while she tries to work (after watching Fresh Meat). I then manage to churn out an extra 2,000 words which really means I've done way way under my minimum amount of writing for today. On the plus side though I tried a frozen pea, built the DriBuddy, learned how not to fix a toilet and found that my protein lid fits onto a mug. The day was a complete success.

I'm not worthy

2011-11-22T04:08:00.000-08:00

First of all I need to start off this post with an apology. An apology for negligence and laziness - for missing the blog update last week. You see I have had something of an increased work load this week (one of the days I wrote 16,000 words on haemorrhoids, that is not what I call a fun day) and I've been working on a couple of other projects. Such as this. But anyway those aren't excuses, those are reasons. I can't excuse my actions as I know I have a responsibility to my readers - Rich - and that he likes to read this blog. I'm sorry. I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and that we can move on. Also Tiller shags beavers from 10am until noon daily which is why people call him a beaver helmet. If that seemed like a slightly random go at Tiller, then I apologize, but in my defence Rich said it was the only way he'd forgive me (sorry Tiller!). Seems I am a writing whore with no integrity (like the 16,000 words on haemorrhoids wasn't proof enough of that!).

Anyway, on with the rest of the blog now that that snivelling grovelling is out of the way. The last two weeks have been good, though in places not good. The main way in which they have not been good is in the area of temperature which is starting to get a little ridiculous. We still have no heating, but now the winter frost is starting to creep up on us. It is actually genuinely colder inside now than it is outside which kind of hurts - both emotionally and my chest. This is not helped by the economy 7 heating for the water (economy shit more like!) which doesn't turn on really (the only slight downside) unless it's in a very good mood. That means that you can wake up in a freezing flat and then have to take a cold shower. Lesson learned? Don't use economy seven. And all this has meant that MOLD has come back. This is terrible news because mold has been pretty much the bane of my existence for the last 2 years at Amira Court in Bournemouth. That flat was so moldy that it was practically dissolving and by the end we were starting to get cockroaches. So you can imagine that I'm not overjoyed to see it return and I'm not sure Hannah finds it that great either. We meet again my old nemesis...

An area in which these two weeks has been good however has been the fact that a) I can walk fine again and have no physical ailments! (Other than a cold caused by aforementioned mold) and that b) this meant I could join the new gym down my road (a 'Gym Group' gym which is 24 hour and requires you to step into an futuristic air lock to get in). This is excellent news as I was starting to feel my muscles decay and I don't know who I am without the gym (that's healthy right?). It feels good to be tearing my pecs in half again, but the only downside is the fact that I'm in there all alone... You see up here in Ealing I don't have a gym buddy and I miss the camaraderie. In Bournemouth I was training with Simon, and afterward we would smoke cigars and eat KFC. When I smoke cigars in KFC on my own it just feels lame and a bit weird... I'm thinking the solution is maybe to try and 'pick up' a gym buddy by holding eye contact with the people there until they come over and talk to me. The only slight concern is that they will think I'm either starting on them or hitting on them. Or retarded.

In general actually I need a man. I have Hannah of course, and my cousins are here in London as is Hannah's sister, and Guildford is relatively near. But actually in London it's just girls and even in Guildford there are probably more girls I know than guys, so I end up looking like a gay best friend a lot of the time. I need someone to lift weights and eat meat with!

How do you pick up a man? And also what if I do and I don't like them and then want to get rid of them? I even considered joining the gym in Guildford so I could commute and train with Nathan... until I realized that idea was completely ridiculous. It's a bit like 'I Love You Man' except that I want a gym buddy not a best man. Very sad. I almost miss Goof (and I very much miss my dog). So far I haven't really made any at the gym though either as the only impact I've made was when my flies came open and I wasn't wearing any pants (long story). Luckily my dick didn't completely flop out but you could see the top of the penis and some hair which still isn't ideal. Especially as I was standing proudly with my hands on my hips underneath the pull up bar thinking people were admiring me for my muscle ups. I may well be training alone for a long time to come... Or maybe asked to leave and not come back?

Overall though the gym is good. Other cool stuff I've done lately though has been more sociable - including a very epic visit to Maidstone with Hannah, Sophie and Steph to see the filming of Take Me Out. That has to be pretty much the best thing in the world you can do on a Friday night, and it wasn't just a great opportunity to be in the presence of Paddy McGuinness, but also a fun night out that had a really good vibe. There was a compare who was actually quite funny for a change and Paddy was on fine form even when they weren't filming (I had a horrible feeling he was going to turn out to be a dick in real life but I'm happy to report he's just as awesome as you would hope). The only slight downside of this was the fact that we were sat in there for about four hours and weren't allowed to leave - even for the toilet - and that we weren't allowed drinks in thre. In that respect it was somewhat similar to a Nazi Death camp (I imagine they had dating shows at Auschwitz...). I actually drink about three pints in an hour and I get headaches if I'm away from tea for more than five minutes so by the end I felt pretty rough. The contestants were good though and we got a nice mix of weirdos and good ones, and one of the guys was friends with Harry from McFly. I also came up with a theory here - drill tips are good dressers. Makes sense right?

What they should do is to make a take me out but for gym buddies. I should write in to ITV with that idea...

The rest of the time I have been playing Sonic Generations and teaching Hannah to play it as well. It's EPIC (even if it is blatantly designed for people ten years younger than myself). We also had a visit from Hannah's friends one of the days which was very nice, and they brought lots of cards and chocolates as well as a bag of about 30 comics that I bought from Carmen's brother. Along with my now weekly trips to Forbidden Planet that's a lot of comics. Good times.

Other than that it's weird because I literally can't remember what happened. Like I've had a black out. In two weeks I've joined the gym.... and that's it? I shall try to write here on time next week to avoid missing everything out and in order to avoid the wrath or Rich. Again, I can only apologise.

Words From The Motherfucking Pod

2011-11-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

Greetings people with clearly too much time on your hands! I am writing to you today from what I call a 'pod'. This is very exciting because pods are hard to come by and very sought after here in the British Library. It's a kind of chair that has a table built into it and a little desk attached to it. How neat is that? Not very I know, but to me it's exciting so please pretend to care. I'm not actually the only person who thinks these are ace either clearly - people fight tooth and nail for these things. When I arrived at Euston station with Hannah I came right to the library and it wasn't open yet and there was a queue. Why do people arrive at the library early and queue you might ask? Well to get one of these pods of course! Which remain completely occupied for the entire rest of the day. So I actually joined the queue. That's right, this morning I queued to get into the library before it was open. How cool am I?

Actually I then left the pod and met Hannah for lunch in Euston station, and then managed to return and get a pod again. How did I do this? By hovering by someone I noticed was leaving and pretending not to notice the people sitting patiently in line opposite waiting for one to become free (probably for the last five hours). Yes, sometimes I am a complete dickhead. But I don't care because I have a pod motherfucker!

What else have I been doing this week other than getting a pod motherfucker? Well actually I have been doing a lot this week! I have seen people and done things that don't consist of sitting around my flat all day! On Tuesday my sister came to visit and we then did my fantastic tour of London on Wednesday and Thursday. For me a 'fantastic tour of London' means going to Forbidden Planet (the huge comic shop), then Harrods (to go to the toy floor) and then the Science Museum. Like I said, I'm cool. Stinky (which is what I hilariously call my sister (it's clear she also finds it hilarious)) seemed to enjoy the tour but felt I was a little eager to make her run around London to see these sites when she had come for a 'relaxing break'. 'I just want to relax, not be forced to run around London' she joked - hilarious!

Both days were good fun anyway (for me) and at the science museum I got to see what I would look like as an old man and as a baby (albeit a baby with a beard). Sadly we spent the whole time in the South Wing and missed all the other exhibitions because we thought that was the whole museum. Hence our stating every two minutes 'this is much smaller than I thought!'.

Stinky and I then went for dinner with Hannah and our cousins Steph and Nat. When we went to meet Steph we also saw the Duke of York (I think) and Princess Anne because Steph works at a very impressive government building that technically belongs to them. Nice. Makes sitting on my ass all day seem a little unimpressive however... The next day Uncle Z came around in the evening and gave us a clothes heater. Jolly nice.

During Stinky's visit I of course had a little work to do, and as I felt it was my duty to entertain Stinky until 2am playing Portal 2, that meant that I had to work after she and Hannah were asleep. Then I would be woken when Hannah got up at 6... so I was a wee bit tired which resulting in me talking complete nonsense in half-dream world to Hannah while she was getting ready. I told her about a book I was going to make that was also a computer game and I was convinced that that was a brilliant idea and I wasn't talking complete shit until about 3pm when it hit home. I was a little depressed.

Anyway, then Stink left and it was a little sad to see her go but very nice that she came to visit. Also she brought me a robot to wear on my chain and

Thought that was all I did? Boy that's an exciting and cool week you must be thinking - he can't possibly have fitted in any more socializing! Well no actually, because on Friday Hannah and I went out for drinks with her sister Sophie and on Saturday we went to visit my Guilford friends and we went to Jamie Oliver's restaurant. I think Jamie Oliver is a complete PRICK but his food is quite nice. It also felt very grown up visiting Becka and Andre as a couple (they moved into a new house the same day we did - what were the chances of that? (Actually quite high when you consider that we left Uni at the same time and most contracts are in multiples of six months (but aha! I didn't move in straight after Uni! So it is weird!)).

After all that excitement I spent yesterday and Sunday doing nothing much - ah back to normality! I waited in Monday for Satpal, the very strange (but nice) Indian electrician. He rings up and every time says 'hello, it's Satpal - the Indian man who did your electricity'. Just 'Satpal' would do just find as I really only know one Satpal... Or even just 'your electrician' would do as I'm not secretly rendezvousing with any other electricians behind his back. Although I SHOULD BE because he has taken three weeks now to fix my heating.

So still loving the flat but I do wish we had heating because the windows are dripping with condensation and it makes me cry a little bit when I'm on my own. That's the only thing except for the hot water that only works intermittently. It's not a problem, just that a freezing cold shower in the morning when the building already has no heating makes me vomit blood and want to kill myself. That and the internet. And the man downstairs who has blood on his teeth... he seemed very nice but he had BLOOD ON HIS TEETH. He came up to tell me that our toilet cistern keeps them awake at night (because it makes a noise, not because they're imagining the terrible things that have gone on there) and was very polite but his bleeding teeth scared me a little and made me think maybe he was a vagrant who was going to hit me and then rape me (I am very rape-able). You'd think his wife (who was with him) would have said 'you have blood on your teeth, perhaps you should wipe that off before we go and speak to the new neighbours because it's TERRIFYING AND NUTS'. Other than that no complaints though...

Nah genuinely it is great living there still and Hannah is still being very pleasant to live with. If it's a ruse and she's secretly a monster then she hasn't let on yet, and she even took it well when I put the ornamental poo she hates on her sandwich in the fridge (I did it when Stinky was there so there'd be witnesses). She's genuinely not fond of the huge cross bow behind the sofa but I'm pretty sure she'll change her tune when I manage to kill a DEER and bring it home for dinner. Next week I'm going to a party for one of her work colleagues and then all her friends are coming to visit, how exciting! Ooh and tomorrow I join the new gym that's opening in Ealing! Then finally the world will make sense again. I've settled in here very nicely and it does feel like home (which has a lot to do with the aforementioned Hannah), and I'm not as weirded out by the move as I thought I would be. It's either because I have moved about 6 times in the last 6 years, or it's because I am essentially brain dead and haven't noticed (it's the latter). I do miss my dog though (especially because he's now on anti-psychotics...).

Anyway I shall now continue to search for jobs for Hannah in the library, that's me being a good boyfriend! I need to get on and make the most of this pod because the library closes soon. Also I am starting to feel awkward because I keep picking my nose and the girl next to me keeps noticing. And no I can't stop picking my nose - there's a scab in it and it hurts.

Experiencing Ealing

2011-11-01T01:44:00.001-07:00

Our new flat - seeing as you asked.

Happy Halloween! For yesterday! Today's post will have a Halloween them.... spooky!

My next update is precisely a week after the last one, good going me! So what have I been doing since I wrote here last? Well Wednesday I again did nothing... oh and then Thursday I did nothing again. I just sat there staring into space for twelve hours when Hannah was at work and then pestered her when she got home to entertain me. This she has happily done most nights, especially on the day we had a hard potato. You have never seen anyone so upset about a potato (probably). Also the ornamental poo continues to be a source of entertainment - I have hidden it in a fun place for her to find today. I think she really enjoys that poo...

Other than literally wandering around the place for hours and hiding ornamental poos though, I did pop into town on two occasions - yes on Wednesday I would consider my trip to Curreys to be the highlight of my day. I have also been to Tesco three times and Greggs once. Like an old person. I guess I am basically retired...

On my various jaunts to the local shops however I have been stricken by their lack of polish. I was assuming that being in London all the shops would look slick and expensive, but actually they are kind of empty and dusty like you might expect when holidaying in another country. This lack of sheen seems to extend to the checkout assistants. I had to go into Curreys three times as I set up the digital box on the TV and the woman in there I can only describe as being like a retarded zombie ghost. She actually terrifies me and I'm pretty sure her eyes were screaming help at me as she passed me the scart lead I needed. Seriously weird lady.

I also found the local Greggs - thank my lucky stars - but the bad news is that all of their foods are made fresh locally and as a result they aren't as good. This came as a very heavy blow seeing as I have been searching all week for Greggs so that I could enjoy the limited edition Mexican baguette they are doing at the moment.

The shop that I really can't stomach however is the Tesco. Literally I have never been so outraged and I was pretty close to going loco on the cereal isle. The shop is designed so incredibly badly that if you go in wanting to get three things then you'll come out about two hours later crying and covered in scars and mud. It makes the Asda in Bournemouth look well designed (and you know how badly designed the Asda in Bournemouth is). Just for an idea, say you were trying to find milk - to find it you would have to go down a random isle (Of course it's not in the big fridges at the back like every other supermarket! That would be too easy!) which is situated in the middle of the shop. If you were to scanning the signs over the top of the isles then good luck mate - as this isle is only labelled 'Poultry and Meat'. Obvious. I should smash my computer with rage... The shop is so badly designed that when I went in for three things - apples, cooking oil and bread - I completely gave up on the cooking oil and came back with only the apples and bread. Joke's on them! (And on us, as Hannah pointed out)

The good news is that on Friday and Saturday I socialized a little which reading back that last paragraph is definitely for them best. That's because my cousin came round (You see I do have friends... or family. I am not an orphan is basically what I'm bragging about here...). Steph had the day of work and we did something cool on the Friday: 'GeoCaching'. If you haven't heard of that then it basically means searching around in bushes using your phone as a radar to find things that people have hidden. Usually this means adding your name to a log book but apparently you can get free drinks and stuff too. It was really cool don't get me wrong, the only downside was that we didn't find anything. I got shit on my hands from sticking them under a lamppost but I'm pretty sure that wasn't the GeoCache. So that was mildly disappointing but we did get to run around Ealing like Batman and Robin. Happily Steph seems to have as cool a life as I do so she was perfectly happy to run around Ealing sticking her hands under bins while the world was at work. One lady sat on a bench looked at us quite strangely as we went around rummaging in bins and bushes - there's a possibility we looked quite a lot like tramps.

That night Hannah was out having work drinks and sent me some rather garbled texts so it seemed she was having a good time. She was apparently invited to a party hosted by the guy who threw a pie in court at Rupert Murdock. That's a really cool London thing to do and I have as yet not been invited to any mild celebrity parties. I felt a bit lame staying in on Friday night, and told Steph I was a little worried that she might be meeting some good looking stock broker while I was sat in and texting her that I had poo on my hands. Steph said 'then why are you texting her that you have poo on your hands?' which was a good point.

On Saturday I had to be in for the electrician but Hannah recommended I go out and see the rest of the world which reading back that last paragraph was definitely a good idea. So putting my thinking cap on I decided to venture into London proper and head to 'Forbidden Planet' which isn't in fact a planet but rather a massive comic shop. It's kind of like mecca for me right behind the gym. Unfortunately though Saturday was Halloween weekend so everyone in the comic shop was dressed up as Super Heroes - even the people in attendance. I could hear the staff shouting at the people buying their comics in-character and I really, really didn't want to go up and be served. It was as bad as I had feared though and I got served by Hawkman who was bellowed 'Welcome citizen' at me. I literally did not know what to say other than 'hello' but he obviously wanted me to do something more kerrazeee. He then asked 'shouldn't you be in character?' (still in a very strange voice) to which I pointed out that at Halloween you didn't spend all day dressed as a Superhero - and that it wasn't actually Halloween. He still looked at me expectantly and the card seemed to take about 30 minutes to process. Possibly the most awkward 30 minutes ever...

Comics aren't lame honestly. They are like books that require less effort and have a higher explosions quotient and the art is really cool and the plots are gripping like the dramas everyone gets addicted to on TV. But guys like that really don't help the cause...

And then Sunday Hannah and I went out for a nice meal in Ealing which is probably more the sort of thing that I should be doing with my time. That was very nice and it was actually very good value and nice wandering around the area at night - it is actually very nice here.

I have also been able to work out again which is a miracle - I've missed it so much. My back still hurts but if I do stuff like preacher curls and pull-ups then it's okay. I did 10 x 20 pull ups for my first workout back - a great way to get yourself in immense pain. Ah, immense pain... how I've missed you. Yesterday was also Halloween and to celebrate we ignored the doorbell and enjoyed chocolate Apples. This was quite entertaining however as Hannah struggled to eat an Apple on a stick and after trying for twenty minutes and breaking the stick she gave up having not managed to take one bite into the apple.

And now back to my regular program of sitting down doing nothing again! Unfortunately I have had to wait in for the electrician again. But now that my back is better and once the heating has been fixed I intend to venture into London with Hannah from now on and work while sitting in the British Library. I love it there (it is another Mecca). Oh and my Stinky sister is coming to visit tonight so more socialising with family! Man I'm hip.

That Halloween theme never really factored into it very much...

Welcome Back Blog!

2011-10-27T05:37:00.000-07:00

So here I am, coming crawling back to the AdamSinicki blog after about three years of hiatus... Awkward... I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies for being away, but after nearly getting kicked out of Uni for calling a tutor a 'useless bag of crap' (she was) on here I had to close it for a bit. But now I am board, and like a whore I see a money making opportunity and have brought it back. Also though I brought it back because Rich wanted me to. And that is a good enough reason for anyone.

As I write this I am thirsty, hungry and I need a shit. Unfortunately however I am also glued to my sofa and refuse to move. I have managed to continue this vigil of not moving now for four hours. Some kind of record? It's tempting to stay here all day to see how long I can go.

I am glued to the sofa for several reasons. The first is that I have moved into a new flat with my lovely girlfriend Hannah and the heating doesn't work. My feet are

freezing despite being underneath a cushion, so I'm hardly going to force them to venture out into the outside world(the outside world is much colder than the cushion world), Then there's my back which I injured (twice) lifting boxes. About a month ago now after I had helped Goof to move out boxes I bent over to pick up a sock and then trapped my sciatica nerve just as I was meant to be meeting Pete in the car to head to Cornwall. I then collapsed spasmodically onto the floor and rolled around there for 20 minutes unable to stand up. I eventually managed to walk like a constipated duck to the car and ever since I have been a physical mess. I refused to go to see a chiropractor (Witch doctors!) and instead had my sister hang from my legs while I hung from a pull up bar in order to 'stretch' my spine out again. That turned out to be a mistake. Who'd have thought...

And then there's the complete lack of motivation to move (other tha

n the aforementioned bodily functions). Thing is I now get up with Hannah at 6am every morning and she then goes to work until 6pm. I used to go to bed at 6am and so I find myself with a lot of spare time. 11 hours is how long Hannah is gone for in total and I am meanwhile finished work at 12pm (I work as a freelance writer now writing all kinds of shit for various websites) and then have the whole day to do nothing, or in today's case, to resurrect Adam Sinicki.com and the blog. Today I also ate yogurt with a fork for a challenge but that turned out not to be very fun so I stopped. But I learned an important lesson in the process. This amount of alone time I'm thinking can't be very good for me. Firstly because I don't talk to anyone for 12 hours and that has lead me to try and make conversation on the phone to strangers like Alan Partridge. I had some piano music on when my bank phoned to ask if I was going to fill out some forms for my credit card (which I didn't want!) so I told her that I was playing the music she could hear whilst I was talking to her. She didn't seem to know whether she was meant to laugh...

So as yet my days don't consist of anything much and I'm going crazy. Ah, like old times! For the first three hours when I actually do some work (in my pants) I write weird stuff on subjects no one will ever read and this doesn't really help one's mental state of well being. Did you know the average Briton drinks 2.1kg of tea? Did you know that you should weight a Wakeboard boat so that the ballast is 40% at the front and 60% at the back in order to create the ideal wake? Did you know that pharmacokinetics is the study of how the body affects drugs as they pass through your system? Did you know that car windshields are made of two identical sheets of glass pressed together with an inner layer of laminate plastic? No? Do you give a shit? Thought not. One day though all this information will come in handy when I ne

ed to drive a wakeboarding boat through a car window in order to do forensic tests on a drug-overdose corpse...

I'm making it sounds worse than it is. I'm actually a bum so I love not doing anything and it's not like I don't have stuff going on. Tomorrow I am going treasure hunting (geocaching I believe is the term) with my cousin. And on Saturday I might journey to the comic shop. Also I have to get the heating fixed so that will be fun... I also actually love living with Hannah and our flat is pretty cool. I've tried to be good and not fill it with too many visible toys, however I have had my way with the giant screaming owl which she hates and an ornamental poo on the toilet cistern (which points guns at your cock when you wee standing up). Ealing is also very cool, although for all the reasons I've described I've yet to actually get up and look in London which currently is defeating the object of moving here in the first place somewhat...

My swansong in Bournemouth actually took place in Tunisia (go figure) which was an awesome event where I got, one last time, to sleep next to Rich. To be lullabied to sleep by the gentle repetitive noise of his snoring in one ear, and the wheezier snoring from Tiller in the other; and to wake up to his smiling shark-like face (and him shouting nonsense). We were actually in Tunisia during the death of Gaddafi in Libya and thus we got to see lots of people celebrating by standing on cars and waving Libyan flags. We were also there in the week building up to the election on Sunday so that was all very exciting (look at how I have deftly woven current affairs into my blog for scholars in years to come!). And I managed to steel a piece of marble from a presidential mausoleum so that was cool. Plus climb a small Colosseum. And Tiller began to write an album called 'Liberation'. Now I am actually just listing things that happened... Might need a while to get back into my blog writing groove...

Us as African Bastards. Tiller says that's not racist.

I saw a snail that looked like Michael Jackson. Is that interesting?

I also got some new nicknames in Tunisia which are all very flattering. I was already 'Captain Gay', but now I am also 'Captain Piss Pants' (because I spilled some water on my leg that looked an awful lot like a piss stain while I was on the plane - not at all embarrassing), 'Captain Inverted Cock' (because my dick goes up inside me when it's cold - which I thought was normal...), 'Captain Cum Face' (the natural progression from Captain Piss Pants), and 'Captain Beef Cannon' (no idea). I am like a very shit superhero team. I hope soon to be promoted to a Commander of something. Commander Heterosexual? That could work... I'd even take Commander Beef... I guess they're all better than 'Schnout' as I am also known (alluding to my apparently large nose (okay it is quite large)).

Anyway simply too much stuff has happened since my last blog post for me to catch you up (SO much stuff!). Suffice to say I got a girlfriend at uni, graduated, became self employed/a bum, moved in with the Goofy tit Goof after uni, then moved to London with said girlfriend (who is called Hannah by the way).

I will be writing and ranting here again from now on in much the same fashion as I did before. Because I spend so much time on my own and once again don't know anyone this means I can tell you tales of my life without offending anyone/exposing gossip. Not every entry is going to be this long though. So until next time, welcome back blog!

Now go and check out the new http://www.adamsinicki.com too! It's the same as the old one!

Temporary Arrangements

2008-12-13T08:38:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are missing this blog (what's wrong with you?) the following is the closest you'll get for now:

http://the-biomatrix.blogspot.com/

It's kind of a cross between this and the biomatrix. Enjoy!

Hiatus

2008-11-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

The blog has been slowly grinding to a halt lately (much like myself) and has also been getting me into trouble/upsetting people (again much like myself). In short, the future of this infrequent rambling is uncertain.

The site has also been fairly quiet for a week or so now, but that's just because I've got some essay deadline tomorrow and Monday, and because I'm trying to leave the top link as Project Superman for as long as possible (which has sold approximately 0 copies! Wooo!). Don't worry, the site is fine, it's just the blog that's in danger.

There are several options, 1) I could get a life and stop wasting my time whinging on the internet, 2) I could password protect it or 3) I could use it to serialise my novel 'The Pointless Life of Derek Stone'. I'm currently thinking the latter option as that means I can still earn money from it... it'll be a bit of a radical change but change can be good!

For old time's sake though what have I been up to since I last wrote here? Well I nearly lost my head at Thorpe Park when Stinky came to visit and we both thought it would be a good idea to ignore the warning signs and stand up on the dingies. Literally a near-death-experience for both of us. My life flashed before my eyes - it was dull and depressing.
I've also been out a fair bit. Recently to the 'Winter Wonderland Ball' where I got to wear a suit. Janik and I watched Bond first to get ourselves in the correct frame of mind. We had matching red ties.
I also did the centurian challenge with Holly on Friday, which was... messy. And yesterday I went on a climbers' pub crawl dressed as batman. I did this while iller than anyone has ever been and today I think I might be actually dying.

I can't write any more than that as I have a lecture in five minutes. My last lecture of this semester actually. Scary stuff.

Stay tuned anyway to see what eventually becomes of this fine piece of literature.

Gorging on drugs

2008-10-25T09:11:00.001-07:00

Sorry I've been away for a while again, I've been busy with far more important things; for example just now I've been listening to Boston while engaging in naked air guitar. There's something very liberating about listening to power rock and punching the air completely starkers, and their lyrics speak to me (they must do - I'm the only person in the room). Hours of fun.

I some important appointments Wednesday, a day on which I felt very organised and professional (I love meetings). One appointment was with my Cognitive Development lecturer but the really cool one was the Naked Nutrition expo to which I was a invited as a VIP. Nathan was too and I also brought Janik so we were like a cool health gang at an important meeting of strong people. To be honest it was a little dissapointing as I had kind of imagined lots of stalls (I also love stalls) and was kind of hoping to promote my site there or get some kind of fitness modelling job (I recently got offered my first modelling job 'meeting and greeting' at some mobile phone promotional event but I decided to turn it down due to my lack of expertise and the lies on my modelling card...). These things did not happen.
Still though it was a worthwhile event and I managed to try lots of new stuff. All three of us bought a discounted tub of muscle milk (review going live in like 2 minutes) and I also got a sachel of 'Nitrous Oxide Black Powder' which sounded fairly ominous. As a reward for coming we also all got a little goody bag with all kinds of drugs in it and afterwards we went for a lovely meal at Old Orleans.

Just now I have decided to eat pretty much all of said goody bag and so am full of drugs. This perhaps explains the afformentioned naked air guitar and also why I am currently trembling and shaking about like a mad man (that would be the caffeine tablets kicking in which should come in very handy for tuesday mornings (although I tend to do that occasionally anyway)). My housemate just found me crouching on the table eating a 'ball of protein'.
It also explains the most awesome workout in the history of mankind. I did over 13 separate exercises and just didn't seem to want to go home (the gym is my home man!). That's the Nitrous Oxide which unfortunately had the bad side effect of repeating on me several times during the session. Other than that it's another awesome discovery, expect another positive review when I can be bothered to get my ass into gear.

My other activities this week have consisted of watching various films with various people and going to the Afro Carribean society night in the union on Monday. It was a bad decision really as I'm not that black actually and I had a lecture the next day at 8.30 but I went anyway as everyone was very persuasive and I have no will power. I really could have used those caffeine tablets Tuesday morning as I didn't get to bed until 4am giving me a total of four hours sleep. Not cool. Awesome night though.

The repurcusions of Fetish night are also still hanging over me however. I decided to make my profile picture on Facebook a thong shot because I am a disturbing and unpleasant person and that's gone down badly with practically everyone I know. I'm a horrible person though so it's not coming down - especially while it's upsetting my sister so badly. I am probably the most embarrasing brother on Earth.
I've also been trying to politely phase out the texting with the girl I met that night but it's turning out not to be so easy. Especially as I bumped into her the other day in town and had to pretend I couldn't see her even though I was looking right at her. I achieved this by having dead eyes so she'd think I was a moron (an easy feat for me). It was awkward and I feel bad but it's the only polite way... I think.

That's all the news that I'm permitted to write here so stay tuned for another fortnight and you might get some more random drivel. I've got some interesting activities planned next week including my sister coming to visit (never easy, particularly as she looks older than I do) so I might even have something to write about.

My Ass

2008-10-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

Another post and it's been another unproductive and highly weird couple of days for me. To be fair today I've done about two hour's work so far which is pretty good, but it's too little too late. The website hasn't been properly updated in yonks (yes I said 'yonks'), I'm currently on day three of my current set of boxers as I've completely run out of clean clothes again (so much for my plan to be less disgusting and personal on my blog), and even my freelance writing is falling behind with my supplement less than half written.

So what have I been doing? It hasn't been a completely wasted week - infact I used Wednesday in perhaps the most impressive way possible: by watchin ALL 6 ROCKY'S BACK TO BACK! That's over 10 hours of training montages and fight scenes. It was almost a religious experience for me and I think I now love the series even more than before, something that I wouldn't have believed possible. Weirdly I also found myself enjoying 1 and 5 the most, whereas usually I prefer 4 & 6. Interesting. Very, very, very interesting.
To be honest I was quite brain dead by the end (which was at 4am thanks to some interuptions) and props to Nathan for sticking it out with me. We are better people because of it.

I kind of needed this injection of manliness as Janik and I had just come back from Pilates (that's 50 quid's worth of pilates which I randomly agreed to). It's actually pretty good and peaceful although we stood out a bit as the only two guys and I think we were getting some dodgy looks as the lycra clad girls tried to assess our motives for being there. We certainly weren't there so that we could get 'a bum like Kylie' as our instructor kept promising.
Actually other than to accompany the J-bird and being an idiot, the reasons I'm going are to improve my posture and flexibility which are curretly both terrible. I felt like the special kid of the group when I couldn't even raise my arms above my head right...

Thursday was a day of more Stallone at Dirty Bob and Danger John's house for 'Man Night' which consisted of steak, beer and Rambo. Again the Slyman didn't let me down. Nathan and I have been utilising some of his training techniques in our training too, which often makes for strange spectacles

Then Friday it got pretty weird for fetish night which I attended in just cuffs, a bowtie and a thong. It seems quite extreme but I'm sure there were loads of people in thongs in my second year. Not so this time. Infact there was only one other guy who was in a borat thong which at least covered his nipples I suppose. I felt pretty exposed (which as Dr Love pointed out was probably because I was exposed) and I had my ass grabbed many more times than I'm used to (normally 3 is the maximum...). Good thing I'd gone to that pilates class...
The reactions were a mixture of 'ewww God no man! Why?' and people who wanted photos with me (somewhere on the internet is a picture of two girls kissing my ass cheaks... I want that!). One girl, who may have been incredibly drunk, showed her appreciation by letting me see her nipple in the middle of the dance floor. This was a kind gesture but I was so drunk that I couldn't see that well and got confused by the piercing. I think I may have hurt her. Not cool.

I did get a girl's number too (these are the pathetically extremem lengths I have to go to) which is always good for the old ego but I'm not really sure if I'm going to chase that up or not. I had to leave after not long as we were chatting outside which was pretty nippy. My nipples were like bullets.

I've also been working out like crazy and have either gone for a run or two the gym almost every day. Today I just found out that I've put on over half a stone in three weeks since taking my new protein shake. That's pretty impressive so expect a positive review coming soon. I've also got my bench up to eight unassisted reps on 95kg and today ran 6 miles with Hazel, Sam and Nathan. My aim is to be invincible in both categories by christmas.

Otherwise I've been taking it easy this afternoon, going as far as to actually do some work. Tomorrow I hope to catch up on the washing too. Small steps...

Return of the Giant Chicken

2008-10-12T13:22:00.000-07:00

There comes a time about once every other year when things get pretty weird. It's a time when ordinary attire just won't do. A time when the giant chicken outfit comes out of the fancy dress bag and makes an appearance.

This time the costume actually made sense too as there was a 'Farmyard Animals' theme in the union. It seemed like too good an opportunity to miss, but I was weary having had a rather shit experience a previous time I put it on. It was fetish night in the first year (not sure why I thought chickens were a fetish...) when the union was experiencing difficulties with its air conditioning. As such, I was so hot that I actually spent the majority of the night sitting alone with the top of the costume unzipped while dripping in sweat and drinking pint after pint of water. Janik, who was there that time around and claimed it 'ruined his night too', actually threatened me by saying that if I complained even once he was going home. As no one else was making an effort to dress up he felt that the outfit was unnecesary. I say a chicken outfit is always necesary.

I was concerned by his warning though, and so I thought it would be a good idea to slice holes in it (what was that rule about me not carrying a nife when drunk??). This actually worked fairly well for ventilation, but unfortunately I made a rather large hole right about my crotch area. It was useful obviously for toilet trips (and for that it would have to be biiiiiig) but it also unfortunately drew the eye rather. I was now a giant chicken with piss flaps.

That said, wearing a giant chicken outfit is actually a great way to get attention from girls (and guys actually but the less said about that the better (one man tried to go in through my pee pee hole...)) and I managed to get one number within 20 minutes of getting there! Granted that was the only number I got that night, and granted she turned out to have a boyfriend (facebook said), but let's not focus on that. And to be fair a lot of fit girls did come up to me and randomly stroke me which doesn't tend to happen that often when I'm dressed normally.

I did scare one girl off though with a cheesey line. Last week I got a free drink when Carmen challenged me to ask a random girl for her number (I did and she gave it to me) and that got back to Rosa who dared me to go up to a girl and say 'will you go on a date with me or are you chicken?'. She replied 'you're a chicken!', so I think she was kind of missing the point anyway. It was cringe worthy though, and I'm worried that I might be turning into that guy that people introduce as 'this is Dan... he'll do anything!' Like the kid you got to eat mud at school (everyone had one). I don't think I even think I got the drink.

There was another weird moment too when a fight broke out infront of the stairs infront of me. We were happily watching until a panicky girlfriend came running up to me and begged me to help break it up. I couldn't quite see her logic here, as I was dressed as a giant chicken and I'm not sure they'd have taken me that seriously.

Being a superhero though (Chickenman!) I did go and have a go, and they did have to do a double take. I think the crowd watching may have been a bit confused too; it was a bit like one of those sketches from Trigger Happy TV with the giant animals attacking each other.

It turned out though that Chickenman was an inadequate superhero who these guys basically ignored. I tried 'come on guys, let's all be friends', which was the line Janik was trying too (he jumped in for backup) and then tried to appeal to their reasonable side with 'people are trying to get up the stairs'. I'm fairly lucky I didn't get a black eye.

The rest of the night though was fairly standard fare, although I also managed to find Nathan about 30 bottle lids for his collection (he actually collects them for a charity... he gets annoyed when I tell people he collects lids).

As you can probably tell I've been enjoying being back in the Uni life. I've got a bit of stuff on my mind that I normally don't that I can't write about here (he says mysteriously), but even with that it's been an awesome month and I'm still loving living on campus.

I really need to settle down to some work now though as I've been spending way too much time either drunk or in the gym (thankfully not at the same time though... yet (although you obviously can't spend too much time in the gym - it's not possible, especially since Nathan and I bought a new tub of protein powder: 'muscle milk!').

My productivity's been at an all-time low since my internet packed in too - hence the lack of website updates. Hopefully that'll be fixed tomorrow however, and wonderfully I have absolutely nothing planned so I should be able to knuckle down and get my work done for Friday... AKA Fetish Night!

Adman Confidential

2008-10-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

It's been more than a week since I last updated again and I'm sorry. It's not because nothing's been happening; but because I can't really talk about what has been going on. For example, I could tell you about some property damage, but that would probably end with me losing a few friends and a bit of cash. Alternatively I could tell you about a plan of mine that (suprise suprise) backfired rather spectacularly - only if I did I would again lose at least two friends, reveal an embarrasing personal issue and potentially cause a rift between several other people (yes it really did backfire spectacularly). If you're one of the people who read this blog and also know me in the real world don't ask me in person about these things either as I won't answer. Infact I can't even write here where I am right now as even that could land me in shit...

So what can I tell you about? Well just now I got a chocolate moose and forgot to get a spoon! Oh the hilarity...
Also, I downloaded an application on my iPhone that turns it into a motion sensitive lightsaber!
Also I was just outsmarted by a dopey fly... not cool...
Get used to these sorts of anecdotes; they're the future of this blog.

The reason for all the above mentioned (but not explained trouble) is that I've been spending a lot of time drunk lately. Last week I again did three consectuive nights out in a rowe - two tier four and one tier two (I class nights out in tiers dependent on the amount of alcohol consumed and the amount of time spent drinking). This was particularly bad as I hadn't even planned to go out on Monday or Tuesday (and Tuesday I had lectures at 8.30am). Monday I ended up going out because I started drinking in the afternoon while waiting for my laundry (and just before going to circuits... which was a bad call) and so agreed to go to the Asian Society night in the HRB. This isn't quite as random as it may sound as I'm actually kind of an honorary member of the Asian Society through Janik and attended quite a few of their nights out in my second year. I'm thinking of running for president. That said Gilbert and I (yes Gilbert is his real name) were the only white guys in the entire place.

Tuesday I then decided to stay in and catch up on work, before Dr Love and Nathan rang me up to persuade me to come out. It didn't take much persuading and before I knew it I was strawpedoing and heading to the HRB again for 'No Wave' which is the heavy metal/alternative night. Here I was even more out of place with my limited moshing ability and lack of dark make up/long hair/razor marks. It was actually an awesome night though, especially as some of our housemates came out aswell - two of them are actually pretty cool.

Wednesday I had actually planned to go out and this is where some of the debauchery that I can't talk about occurred. It was a heavy night of drinking by anyone's standards and it should suffice to say that I woke up on the (communial) kitchen table, with a missing debit card and a creaping feeling of guilt.

so Thursday's plans were cancelled while I ordered a new card and got some cash out of my savings account. The cash was supposed to last me all week but unfortunately I seem to have already spent... all of it... on a bottle of Joop. I think the lady in Boots thought Janik and I were gay as well as I a) kept arguing with him over whether I should spend the money and b) was getting him to smell the different aftershaves due to my lack of smell. When she said 'he'll tell you you smell beautiful' I realised she may have gotten the wrong impression.

In many ways though it was no worse than the week before where I asked a stranger for her number to earn a drink (and ended with 'maybe I'll text you some time') and created an awkward vibe in the kitchen by trying (unsuccessfully) to pull a girl who turned out to be living on my floor. Of all the rotten luck...

Moral of this story? I shouldn't drink and I should keep my hands to myself. Also I shouldn't carry my special lighter...

March on

2008-09-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Guildford! I am now settled in in my fourth new home in as many years and I've got to say this might be the best one yet.

I spent the last couple of days in Bournemouth doing the rounds of my different groups of friends. Friday night was a big night out with Tiller, Goof and Si during which I got to see a new bar and club - 20:20 being the club but I've forgotten the name of the bar. I'm thinking 'Blook' but I'm doubting that as it would be completely ridiculous...
The night was fairly uneventful but enjoyable none the less. It was particularly nice to see Tiller who I hadn't seen all summer. He is well.
I say uneventful, but it was pretty drunken and one or two odd things did happen. The first was in walkabout where a random man came up behind Goof and starting grinding with him and feeling his nipples. I was worried by Goof's reaction which was to turn around and say 'Ooh hello!'. Not sure what that was about. As he did the man turned slightly red and started appologising - a case of mistaken identity it seems.
The other weird thing was that while walking through Bournemouth we spotted some girls giving out stickers to get into Walkabout free and obviously took them. I happened to mention my slight phobia of stickers (it's very common...) to Si and unfortunately they overheard; meaning that when we passed them again later on the way to... Blook... they started chasing me down the road with them. A traumatic experience that will haunt my nightmares for nights to come.
At 2 am we were all plastered and I had a delicious tuna bagguette before we headed back. A good night.

Except that I had a piano lesson at 10am the next day. Somehow though I got away without a hangover and had a pretty good lesson during which I learned another Lloyed Webber piece (this one had 5 flats!). I seem to have progressed from raggs to show tunes... great...
From here I went to meet Chris who drove me to Anthony's flat where Si and Craig were also located. We watched the paralympics for a while before Simon and Anthony smashed up an old guitare with a baseball bat and then we were off to the 2 for 1 pub.
This time I had Moussake which was delicious, before we played on the quiz machine and the 'light moving left and right machine' for a while. I actually feel quite guilty about introducing Anthony to the latter as he has a rather addictive personality and managed to spend nearly £20. His consolation prize was a glowing yoyo and I managed to win myself a tamogotchi (they seem to have a toys from the 90s theme going on or something).
After this I returned home for an awesome roast dinner with my family. Incase you couldn't tell I've had an excellent week - even just based on the quality of the food.

Sunday Pete, Mum and I set off for Guildford with an entire van full of my crap and managed to get moved in by 4 O'clock. Only four hours later than I told everyone.
Within the first 10 minutes I had already encountered Janik, Nathan and Dr Love and it already felt like being back to normality. The entrance to Janik's building is excellently about 10 metres from the side entrance to mine and of even more geographic luck is Nathan whose room I could easily jump into from mine - a testament both to how close we are and how far I can jump (this is so long as the doors are open mind, I have limits).
After I was sorted Mum and Pete said goodbye and I think I saw Mum well up a little - score. Ten minutes later my tamogotchi died and I'm currently trying to get over the survivor's guilt. Those things truly are crap on a stick.
The room is very nice, although it's an odd mostly unuseable shape and I seem to have less cupboard space than everyone else in the kitchen. This is compounded by the fact that my shelf was missing.
At the moment the building is also very quiet as the freshers don't move in for two weeks. I quite like the quietness and it also meant I could steal a shelf from a neighbouring cupboard and shotgun various areas around the kitchen.

After moving in properly I went for another meal with Janik and the girls at Zizzi's and managed to eat everyone's. Afterwards Janik and I dropped in on the girls' house (also our old house) and Becka gave me a Batman costume - seriously like I say; an awesome week. I sat in it all evening and then returned carrying it home as a trophy.

Monday I did mostly nothing until mid-day - I have 8 hours of lectures a week so I'm going to have lots of lie-ins (I only have to get up at all on Tuesday and Thursday). I did get a visit from Holly which was nice and after that I went into town to get my hair cut and buy some super glue to fix Toby's recently severed trunk (!).
I also bought an iPhone... the coolest phone in the world. It's connected to the internet all the time. Everyone, even the salesman at the O2 store, advised me against it but that just made me want it more. I couldn't be happier either although I'm still figuring out how to get most of it to work. The GPS for instance seems to be completely useless and I'm just hoping that has nothing to do with the fact that I jammed a nail in one of the sockets within two minutes of having (I misunderstood a YouTube tutorial...). Since getting it I have lost hours of sleep and work time, but it's all gone to a good cause.
Generally it was an expensive day though as I also joined the gym for £95 and my hair cut cost £20...
After joining I had a marathon 2 hour session with Nathan which was impressive as I'd already had an arms session earlier that morning. To make matters worse today I just did circuits and my body now feels completely raped. I actually want to die. With Nathan wanting to do boxing, the gym, running and circuits and with Janik wanting to do Pilates and Slasa (bless his cotton socks) I'm not sure how I'm going to survive this year.

After the gym Bob and Dr John came round to check out our new diggs and we ended up going back there until midnight. They have been dubbed 'The House of Inescapable Conversation' and there's more than a bit of truth in it. I can talk for England myself too though so it was a recipe for disaster.

That meant I didn't get to open my iPhone until 1 - everything has to be perfect when I get a new piece of technology, it's like a ritual that I must undergo involving tea and music and my special sleep shorts. I was then up until 5 damaging it which was a mistake as I had a 9am lecture on Forensic Psychology and then 2 more 2 hour lectures after.
As you can imagine I was pretty knackered by this evening after circuits so I went round Janik's with some food and a bottle of wine (that's not gay... (even if it was Rose...)). We watched Hancock on the amazing DC++ file share thingy that we have on campus. I turned down the pub and climbing for that but as I've said I was completely destroyed physically and also I want it to be the way it was when Janik and I lived together and wasted hours on DC++ and Hot or Not while drinking tea. I'm pleased to report nothing's changed.
Awesome film too.

In all it's been a pretty busy but very pleasant couple of days. I'm really glad to be on campus as you can't enjoy it in the same way as a first year as you don't know anyone or where anything is. Now I already have a life it's brilliant that it's all no more than a 5 minutes walk away and that people can come and go as they please. In Leeds and my first year I remember not knowing anyone made me act weird in a desperate attempt to make friends; I'd start conversations going: 'Hi my name's Adam, how long have you been here? My favourite colour is red. I like tuna paste and apple juice, do you like tuna paste and apple juice? Let's be friends.' or something slightly less psychopathic, which didn't really work.
Now though I have the advantage of knowing everyone and my way around but I also have the fresher lifestyle. Within halls I'm going to be the most experienced and oldest and the young one's will turn to me for advice. Everything is cheap and easy and I have a good feeling it's going to be a good year.

In a seemingly random tangent here's the opening sequence from Joey. When I first moved to Surrey I liked this series as he was moving away from his friends too and also had ambitions to be an action hero. This and Scrubs got me through that first year (and my year in Leeds) and then randomly in town on Monday I heard a busker playing the theme tune! Like the Gods of Guildford are welcoming me back... It's been a rollercoaster the last four years but I'm going to make the most of my last year of freedom. I will be alright 'cos I'm going to march on!

I'm a fighter not lover

2008-09-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

Before I begin today I'd just like to set the record straight - in a recent post I said that Benji was a bit creapy. In reality I was joking; he is a bit creapy but I really do like him. He's my little sunshine and he makes me very happy (for those who don't know me, Benji is a dog - I'm not a homo).

My concern over this matter comes from the fact that he is currently recovering from an operation to remove a wart from his eyelid. It doesn't sound like a painful procedure but for a little dog who had to go under general anaesthetic it is quite an ordeal. When I came back from the gym today I had forgotten he was going to the vet's and was quite surprised to find him all wet and stitched up shaking on the couch. I spent most of the afternoon feeding him scrambled egg out of my hands.

As I said, before this I'd been to the gym with Si and Rich. Rich sadly cannot make my swan-song night out tomorrow (apparently 'swan-song' comes from the myth that a swan only makes a noise when it's dying; I've heard mixed reports on whether or not this fact is true. Only one way to find out...). This meant that our gym session together today was the last time I'll see him probably for at least three whole weeks. Sad times. After an exemplary session from all involved we had a manly, yet sweaty, embrace outside my house much to the confusion of the onlooking lollypop man who I speak to every morning. A bittersweet goodbye. (Speaking of Rich I've written this article 'Bodybuilding: More than just a Sport' in order to answer a debate we've been having).

The real excitement this week however was on Wednesday when I had my date with the girl from Bournemouth. I was quite nervous about this one to be honest, mostly because I hadn't met up with someone I met in a club for over a year and because almost every single one of my previous dates has gone disastrously wrong.
And I do mean disastrously. No exageration but over the last few years of my life my dates have ended up with me lost in a field, watching a girl puke off my balcony onto the balcony bellow, developing severe wind from a combination of rum from the Dom Rep and protein shake, sitting in a hot tub with the girl's ex and carrying the unconscious Dad upstairs to bed, in a first aid tent being advised to get stitches and being told that the girl once 'believed herself to be dead'. All those things actually happened and I've actually developed a reputation for going on dates that turn ridiculous.
Wednesday was going well though actually - although I managed to turn up late, smelling of chilly and slightly drunk (although fortunately she was later than I was) - and the conversasion flowed smoothly over some drink in the Brass House. I had planned to take her to see Step Brothers because that's what I wanted to see, but unfortunately I hadn't learned from my mistake only two weeks ago and didn't think to book on Orange Wednesday.
This meant the only thing we could see was Mamma Mia, which she'd already seen and I was ambivalent about (although for someone who mainly enjoys watching blokes beat the crap out of each other I do like the odd chick flick every now then). Randomly though when I asked for two tikets for Mamma Mia they seemed to instantly assume I wanted to see the sing along version that was also on at the same time. If I had wanted to see the sing along version I would probably have ordered tickets for the sing along version. Seriously you can't get the staff these days.
So we were completely unsuspecting, happily sharing our ridiculously over-sized and over-priced medium popcorn, when all of a sudden the lyrics came up on the screen and the entire middle-aged-female population of the cinema stood up and started singing and dancing. One old lady had even brought a microphone with her and was cheering on the crowd and swinging her arms in the air. During slow songs they were waving their arms from side to side - it was properly surreal, like one of those strange religious ceremonies in America.
We left having had a fairly enjoyable time, but a weird one. I'm not sure why I can't do anything normally.

Other than that I've been spending the last few days packing and writing essays and reports ready to take back to Uni. It's weird that I'm going so soon and it hasn't really sunk in yet. While I'm looking forward to it I'm also going to miss aspects of living at home. My Mum suprised me with some new clothes this evening which are pretty dashing on me if I say so myself and I'm looking forwards to strutting them around campus (I've just realised this is a pretty gay post... try to focus on the fact that I was on a date with a girl).

I also realise that I will now probably have to change the focus of this blog as 'follow Adam as he tries to survive in Leeds' probably isn't very representative of what's going on anymore. I need a focus, an angle. 'Follow Adam as he does random stuff for a year' doesn't really cut it. Maybe something like 'Follow Adam destroy of worlds, as he struggles for piece on Earth and a cure for cancer'. I don't know, I'm working on it.

System Failure

2008-08-31T17:41:00.000-07:00

Okay so I've been pretty slack just lately with the whole blog updating thing and I know that has probably left a lot of people in this world wandering the streets with nothing to do. I'm sorry for this but let me point out that it mostly isn't my fault - it's Goof's.

It's Goof's fault because I have spent the last week tirelessly trying to fix his computer. I went round last Friday to do it and failed. Then I got frustrated so went back and failed again. Then I waited a week before finally going back a third time and using his system restore disk to put it back to square one. I felt big and proud of myself for fixing it and we celebrated by watching the modern classic that is Kickboxer (no irony intended).

As I left Goof recommended a brilliant website that I should check out, when I got back I did as he advised and two minutes later I had a slightly different, more malicious, version of his virus. That and no system restore disk. So now my computer doesn't even start windows properly. That's officially the last time I ever take Goof's advice - although I'm pretty sure I've promised myself that before (he also threw a dart that rebounded into the back of the monitor which miraculously did no damage). This is why it's his fault the blog is even later than it would have been.
This obviously is pretty shit but I exacerbated the problem by taking 3 days to remember I had a spare laptop under the bed. Duh.

Now I'm spending hours backing up my stuff before I attempt a Crisis Mode style system restore of my own making (I delete everything at random (I can do this because my laptop is insured)). There are reams of valuable documents that it would be a tragedy to society if lost - and also some really cool photoshopped images of Hilary Duff that I found.

My laptop isn't the only piece of hardware I've had to part with this week either; worse and more painful was selling the Admobile. When a man called Dave (or something) drove it away yesterday it felt as though I'd lost a piece of my soul forever. Seriously I get weirdly attached to inanimate objects. Fortunately I have the wingmirror still in my room so that provides me with some comfort - that and £120.

Ridiculously only 10 hours before I sold it I nearly got a speeding ticket too. I was rushing home to fetch my Mum so she could help direct me to where I was meant to be collecting my sister, when I saw the police car behind put his lights on and start flashing me. I didn't think he'd mind...
When I pulled over he got out and walked around the car looking dissaprovingly at my smashed indicator and then the missing wingmirror. He then decided to sit in the passenger seat which was a bit weird - particularly as he was on top of my laptop. I decided to try and smooth talk him by pointing out the hilarious irony that I was selling my car the very next day but he didn't actually find that very hilarious.
Apparently I was doing 50 in a 30 (it was more like 43 but I thought better not to correct him). Somehow I gave him the impression that I wasn't up to scratch on the highway code so he told me to go home and buy one online pointing out that £2 was much cheaper than the £60 he could have charged me (although randomly he was talking in plural... like Venom from Spider-Man). I obviously realised that cheaper still would be to not get charged and not buy it which I presume he just hadn't considered. But I was greatful he let me off and I ended up driving to get my sister from Bournemouth at about 20 miles an hour with a que of traffic behind me.

In a way it was kind of nice to have one last adventure with my car - we've been through some scrapes - many literal actually. I also went on a night drive with my sister through Verwood and Ringwood to make the use of the last of my petrol. Unfortunately I went down some gravel path which turned out not to be designed for cars and I ended up having to reverse about half a mile in pitch black while next to a hill. That was very nearly too adventurous.

After selling my car I decided to drown my sorrows with a few friends from Ferndown in Bournemouth where Pete was celebrating his 21st with some Uni mates. It was a fairly good night although I managed to spend almost half of what I got for my car - partly because I ate a Toby Carvery which was a complete waste of cash as I'd had a bolagnaise literally half an hour before. All protein though.
So after eating two meals I already knew I was going to have a good night but it got better as I also managed to pull again (I'm on a roll at the moment!), and this one I have high hopes for. She's small and sweet which is a good start but also seems quite down to Earth. She came over to talk to me while Simon, Paul, Daryl and I were watching some girls pole dancing and we started chatting about how 'distastefull' and 'unnatractive' it was that you could see their knickers. From there I used my tried and tested method of talking at her thus isolating her from her group of friends and blinding her with my bullshit.
Fortunately it was quite noisy which worked to my advantage as it meant she couldn't hear all the crap coming out of my mouth including 'Simon has wonderful eyes' and 'absence makes the heart grow fonder - as they say on Disney's Robin Hood' (seriously if I talk for more than 10 minutes without being interupted it gets pretty weird).
Luckily we were in a club and I didn't have to talk for long but I'm going to have to sort my act out and come up with some decent material as I'm hoping to see her again this week. And this time I definitely won't blow it off or duck out because I've gradually got less interested. I hope not anyway - I tend to regret that afterwards.

So that was a successful night for me - and I also didn't climb on any roofs which is an improvement over recent events. It was definitely an improvement over last Sunday which I spent at a Barbeque that my old boss and Mum's friend was hosting. They're really nice people but it wouldn't really have been my first choice - particularly if I had known I'd spend the majority of it being told by a drunken Geordie why I should 'fuck off and leave home'. It didn't help matters when I became indifferent and told him I couldn't understand what he was saying and that he needed either a translator or sub titles before I could speak to him.

That Saturday I also went to the football with Goof and Rich (this list of events is really out of order for some reason) which was enjoyable if only because I got to watch those two jump up and down and swear allot. This was followed again by a barbeque, complete with still bleading chicken, and a game of Olympics on the Megadrive.

Other than that non-sequitar series of events I have been spending my time working out at the gym and at home making up for lost time since my back's mostly recovered. I've also started taking all my supplements again and I'm back to being in a good mood. I find nothing puts you in a good mood like creatine and 16'' guns. This is because I'm weird and possibly addicted. But it feels great to be back.

Oh and I went to see Hellboy 2 with Daryl. Awesome film.

Just a State of Mind

2008-08-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

For the frankly ignorant among you, that title refers to an Electric Light Orchestra song. It ties in quite nicely with today's post as well I think you'll find. An inspired choice you could say...

This last week has been a fairly busy one for me, but busy doing little annoying things that take up not enough time to feel that worthwhile but just too much time to enjoy the rest of your day. This has ended up with me feeling in a bit of a funk, that and listening to strange brain-wave-altering sounds for hours on end; they are both impressive, trippy and mildly disgusting at times.

Starting at the begining (because that's always the best place to start), Monday I had to speak with my tutor about my dissertation, which went really well actually - especially as he's essentially agreed to help me do mine on Superheroes (or 'transhumanism' which souns more like a scientific term).
Monday was also my first gym session with Rich and Si (normally it's Goof and Rich, or just Goof, but he is currently in London working for my absolutely mental step uncle (today he said he wouldn't be happy 'until [my] uncle is out of [his] life)). It was a good session but my recent time off seems to have caused me to de-progress.

Tuesday I went to castle point with my recently crippled sister to spend some of my birthday moolah. By crippled I mean more crippled than usual - actually on crutches having had a large boy jump on her back and sprain her knee while at a party. This obviously made travelling around castle point quite difficult, especially as I opted to park in the furthest corner of the car park. On the way back I actually loaded her into a trolly so that she could let me push, or as she later discovered was possible - use her crutches as ores. We got odd looks from the security guards.
Making the trip even more embarrasing was my odd complection. Specifically my shimmering complection which was a result of me accidentally using the wrong self-tanning lotion. They have almost identical tubes and I was using my sister's 'Self tan and slight shimmer effect'. I looked magnificent and Golden like an Egyptian pharoah but I worry that other people wouldn't have the same opinion.
Anyway, I bought a new digital camera, a Batman graphic novel (I'm still in a Batman mood) and the best DVD ever: Never Back Down. Seriously I didn't realise how much I liked it the first time I saw it - it's nearly as good as a Rocky! Seriously, if I had my way all films would just be a mesh of fight scenes and training montages (a montage of fight scenes and training montages perhaps). These days everyone wants to see films with 'effects' and 'romance' and 'plots' and 'talking', bah! All in all it was a good trip and I am still enjoying my spoils.

(Someone had commented on YouTube 'Best movie alive'... I bet he doesn't like 'talkies' either)

That night I then went to play table tennis with Si, Matt and Pete. Seemingly a rather random activity (not like building a raft of course), but we were helping Pete to train for a work tournament. We'd booked the squash-court-with-table-tennis-table-in for 80 minutes but it took us about 4 before we were bored with the conventional rules. We mixed it up by running round the table and taking it in turns to hit, then running round backwards, then running around backwards while trying to spin the bats in the air. Next we tried to get the lights to turn off so that we could make it even more challenging. Simon reckoned that to do this we had to hold the door open for ten minutes for an automated system to kick in. The lady on reception then asked if everything was okay and I answered that we were just holding the door open to try and turn the light off. Which apparently was the wrong thing to say.

The next day (Wednesday, as you'll know if you're good at days) I discovered through my study of Transhumanism (partly for my site, partly for my dissertation, partly because I'm insane) a phenomenon called 'digital drugs' (AKA 'Idosers' or 'Binaural Beats') which allegedly entrain your brain to a certain wavelength - thus forcing you to experience all sorts of effects - for example you can alter your mood, trigger oobs or lucid dreams, improve memory or mimick the experience of using different drugs. Of course it's all theoretical and the studies on it are divided. I've been doing my own research (check out the Biomatrix soon for a review and some free samples) and have had mixed results. I did have one fairly impressive piece of anecdotal evidence but I can't tell you what that is because it's disgusting...
Right now I'm listening to 'inspire', which I'm hoping will make this an awesome blog entry. Baring in mind I don't have much to work with this week I'd appreciate feedback. If you think it's more or less 'inspired' than usual perhaps you could get yourself in the article (wow, your Mum will be proud...). In theory I should now be flooded with good ideas and stuff. That actually normally happens when I have a cup of tea, and weirdly when I'm having a dump (at the moment shitting has lost it's appeal though - the fuse box has gone weird and there's no light so I can't read).

Later I went to the cinema with Rich and Si to see Batman (again (I told you I was in a Batman mood)). I drove after listening to 'alchohol' which I hadn't even considered might be a bad idea. My driving was absolutely shit and I mounted the curb at one point... no difference there then.
Unfortunately I had made a bad call in saying we didn't need to book and it had all sold out so when I arrived I was subject to a barrage of insults from Rich. They did seem more excessive than usual but then I thought that was just Rich being his usual delightful self. We turned it around though - turned that lemon into some lovely lemonade - by going for a meal at callenders where I ate the ULTIMATE BURGER. It wasn't even a challenge (although it was quite impractical to eat). Once I ate two chocolate challenges after a roast dinner - everyone is good at something...

Then yesterday I had my first piano lesson in ages. My piano teacher is kind of an adopted Grandma and even offered for me to live at her place if my placement was in Bournemouth (if only), so it was nice to be reunited. Finally everything is back to normal (although she's moved house). I learned to play 'I know him so well', which is slightly gay but I wanted to learn something slow (at least it wasn't a rag (Shela loves rags (and thus I can play about 20 of them and they all sound exactly the same))). The only downside was that this was at 9.30 am and I had a full day of chores ahead and was knackered.

All this on top of driving various family members around, looking after the house while my Mum's been working over-time, and walking the dogs every morning. The latter job has become especially important since Elo (my favourite of the two poodles (he is far more dashing (and Benji is a bit creapy))) has seamingly developed an adiction to caffeine. He never used to like it but got jealous of Benji I presume who always drinks it. Over time though he's become more and more desperate and now he will climb up onto the table to get it, or just sit there screaming while you drink yours. He's stopped sleeping at night too and now just wanders around in circles with madness in his eyes and occasionally tries to break Stinky's door down (he's in love with her toy Panda). If he starts arranging objects into shapes on the floor I might start getting worried. Maybe he should read the article I wrote on kicking the caffeine habbit? Which he could now find reprinted on my brand new blog: The BioBlog! It's a blog that's actually about something, rather than this one which is just me rambling on and on and on (etc).

Most people like being invited to do things and I do, it's just that I also like my Adam time. At the moment it seems like ages until I'll get a day to just chill out. I just want to get naked, make a cup of tea, and read some Batman. That's why I'm in a strange mood. That, and digital drugs.

You Don't Mess With The Adman! Even if you're a Germ.

2008-08-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

In many ways this has been a bad week. The bad back and the cold have somehow managed to hound me for nearly a fortnigh now and that's left me to spend most days lying around making slight whimpering noises when anyone walks past (the whimpering is a plea for tea or coffee which many of the cold bastards in this house ignore). I had anticipated that my Wolverine-like healing factor would kick in before long but it seems this is no ordinary cold. Any normal human would probably have died weeks ago from an infection like this one.

The cold came as a 2 for 1 with sinusitis too which I've never really experienced before. For those of you who have yet to sample its delights it basically feels like your whole head is a ball of snot and about to explode. I tried to alleviate matters with some olbas oil but that just made my head feel like a giant mint instead. On the plus side my sore throat makes me sound a bit like Batman which is awesome.

I had planned to go to Guildford this weekend for Rosa's 'return from America party' and to discuss my dissertation but my cold and bad back coupled with the other issue that I'll get to in a second meant that I had to cancel then sit at home feeling like a loser and mopping up snot (this was doubly wise as my back-up plan for cheap accomodation was to take a screw driver and break into a shed and then shower at the university library).

The bad back has also meant I've been unable to train for an entire week (colds are nothing!) which is an entirely new experience for me. New and unpleasant. When you train 5 days a week a part of you always thinks of how nice it would be to not have to train, but when it's gone you suddenly feel empty. It's like relaxing for five hours straight suddenly doesn't seem appealing because you've already been relaxing for five hours. You feel unhealthy and like you've wasted your day doing nothing and all you really want is to hear the rocky soundtrack pumping and start lifting some weight. Even my diet was effected.

That's not really what made the week bad though; the real doozy was my latest car accident. Like the three accidents before it it all happened in my front driver - that place is a death trap! I was coming back from a trip to Bournemouth see with Goof in-towe (I'd popped out to cheer myself up with some self-tanning moisturiser (I seem to be pulling more lately and I reckon it must be this healthy summer glow so I thought I'd get a top up)) when my neighbour pulled out of her drive and waved. I decided I should be polite and wave back but at the same time was craning to look at her as Goof was accusing me of claiming she was fit (I did but it was like 10 years ago and she hasn't aged well). As I did all this I drove into the gate post and smashed my right wing and indicator. My neighbour just drove off too.
We got out and inspected the damage for a good 20 minutes and I died a little bit inside. It's blatantly unsafe for the motor way and it means my parents won't want to keep it when I cancel my insurance at the end of the month. It also means I'll get about £50 for it instead of £300 as fixing it would be too expensive. More than anything though I felt sad that I'd slowly destroyed my own car - like an old friend that I brutally murdered. Now I'm going to have to sell the Admobile for spare parts.
During this time my neighbour had pulled back into her drive and leaned over the fence to check out I was okay/gloat a little bit and randomly to invited me in to see her loft extension. Baring in mind that I haven't spoken to her for over a year, that I'd just smashed my car - partly thanks to her, and that I'm a 21 year old guy, I can't for the life of me think of why she thought that would be appropriate. Goof luckily ducked out but I was stuck out of politeness (although she was blatantly just bragging). I literally could not think of anything I wanted to do less at that point in time. I mostly just wanted to drown my sorrows... or myself... give my car some kind of viking funeral. But no, I had to examine a loft extension. And it's not even like she's fit anymore.

That story sort of has a happy ending anyway as my step sister reckons her boyfriend can get me £500 for it. Sounds like herit's boyfriend knows some retarded people - but it's good news all the same (I think this is Karma repaying me for basically saving her last week without her even knowing it (let's just say I basically run this house (although in other news she will be moving back in with her real Mum in a month or so))). Also, the fact that I broke the wing mirror off has given me a keepsake - a part of the Admobile will always live on (I am pathetically sentimental)! The ornaments and 'trophies' in my room keep getting stranger and stranger (I tried to steal a wasp's nest the other night).

I also made a return to the gym recently which went well although I was careful to avoid back related movements. My biceps are burning today and I feel like I'm back to my old self (although my press-ups ability has suffered already). I sent those bacterium (?) packing. You don't mess with the Adman!

And I've managed to make it out for one big night this week - Kelvin's 21st birthday party - which was a very amusing night as they always are when the Ferndown lot are involved. We started drinking at Kelvin's house where we'd already got collectively pretty drunk (I felt sorry for Kelvin and his house, especially at one point where he had to casually retrieve a sausage from the windowsill while chatting to a family friend) before getting the bus into Bournemouth. Here we started in the Brass House where I wasted £2.50 on a moving red light that promised the top prize of a Nintendo DS, then £2 with Matt on the Quiz Machine (although we actually won £8 so not bad...), then £1 on table football (which I ruled at), and £2 on Mario Kart (which I again ruled at). You don't mess with the Adman! I also met an old school friend and had one of the most awkward moments in a while with small talk that went: 'Ben!' 'Adam!' '... You alright?' 'Yeah you?' 'Yeah... I saw you have facebook now.' 'Yeah I have facebook.' 'Well bye then...'. I'm not good in social situations.

We then moved into Bar Me to dance find some girls from our old school for Daryl before moving onto Crank which I'd never been to before (because we'd been given yellow bands which got us 'free entry' (more free than usual?) and we thought that made us VIP). Matt and I quickly got bored though and decided to sneak past a bouncer and a barrier to find stairs to the roof. Out here we then found a wobbly step ladder to a higher roof, which we obviously had to take, and then managed to go through a ventilation shaft which was too James Bond to refuse. In here we found a stranded pigeon which was too ill to move.
On the way down we found a staff kitchen and decided to go in there which was where we got caught. Matt talked us out of it by saying another bouncer had told us to go in there (the old playing dumb trick) while I took a photo of the three of us. It seems as though I didn't actually scare myself that much by doing those stunts last time I was drunk...

The Bouncer also seems to swiping at us which is rude...

Later we went to Bliss, and then followed a drunken Pete around Bournemouth. We'd told him we'd gone home and he was so drunk he couldn't see us when we were 2 metres away, like we were time travellers from a sci-fi film looking at the past but unable to affect anything. He was busily trying to pull a girl whose ass was literally hanging out of her skirt and who started three different fights before being reprimanded by the police. She claimed she had just been attacked in each instance which seems particularly bad luck.
After that we spoke to some random people around town before spending at least 20 minutes trying to hail a taxi while my condition gradually worsened. A good night though and somehow I didn't have a hangover in the morning!
Also salvaging this week was a cinema trip to see 'You Don't Mess With the Zohan' which generally got bad reviews from the others but which I enjoyed for the ridiculously over-the-top awesomeness of the Zohan. That is how I should be! This is also the reason I have been occasionally shouting 'You don't mess with the Adman!' and trying to do keepyups with my socks.

The quietness looks set to continue for me for a while now though with my cold still haunting me and with the Goofman randomly going to work in London for a month with my Step Uncle who I've met like twice. With most other people working during the week it looks like I might have to do some Uni work...

I'm getting too old for this shit!

2008-08-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

It's 8.30 Monday night and I'm dying. I have the worst back ache that anyone has ever had and a cold that feels like my head is a balloon that's been inflated with snot. Furthermore, due to a combination of these ailments and lots of partying, I have sleapt about 10 hours in the last four days.

I actually did the bad back over a week ago but didn't mention it here. I trapped a nerve when I was moving a cupboard but decided not to rest up. Instead I powered through like a true hero and completely ruined it.
Thursday after I'd finished writing my last post I headed off to the gym (a great start) with the G man and Rich where I did mostly isolation curls so that I didn't involve my spine at all (doing those for almost a whole session was actually an awesome workout for the arms). From here we went back to Goof's to cook up some nice tomato-y pasta and have a couple of drinks before parting ways with Rich and heading into to town for Adam's Birthday Bonanza Take 1.

I don't know what the definition of 'bonanza' is, but I'm pretty sure that it's a lose fitting description of what actually happened. For the first hour Goof and I sat in the Moon on the Square discussing how we'd thwart our captors if we were in Hostel and then later I sat and sipped some Newcastle Brown while Goof read out extracts from a book we found on a shelf behind our table.
When Si found us however we moved on to Walkabout where we met an old friend of Goof's and her cronies (that's right, the total attendance for my first 21st birthday party consisted of 3 people including myself). We met this lot in the upstairs section which somehow I've not seen before despite having been there fairly regularly for about five years.
Chatting up there was fairly fun, although I did slightly offend one girl there I think when I tried to include her in the comversation by asking her what cotton wool was made from. She didn't know what cotton wool was so I began ripping into her before she appologised saying 'I'm sorry, English is not my first language'. I'm an insensitive twat.

Later we moved as one large group to Toko where I pulled Goof's friend and he pulled the foreign one. That made the night more fun and we danced there until we parted ways (I got her number first though). The foreign girl came with us for a lift home from Si however which was probably a big mistake on her part as Si and I decided to run on ahead and hide from Goof telling him we'd driven off and run out of petrol. Apparently he was walking around the gardens with the girl in the pouring rain shouting 'I hate my friends' which the Swiss girl didn't really understand as hyperbole. I felt sorry for her but it made it even funnier as it nicely upped the awkwardness for G. She was an unfortunate casualty of war. Anyway it was Si's idea.

The next day I felt completely exhausted. I hadn't up until that point felt any different as a 21 year old but right then it hit me that I was now officially old. And I had no time to rest as that night was Adam's Birthday Bonanza Part 2, a joint venture with Rob, this time with the Ferndown crowd.
The night went well and we moved on to Wimborne early around 9pm where we visited The Pie, and The Rising Sun. At the latter I over-heard a girl at the bar saying I was cute so I decided to go over and introduce myself. She was quite hot and so was her friend - who weirdly turned out to be her Mum. Strangely the Mum then started trying to promote her daughter going 'isn't she pretty' and holding her face so I could get a closer look. I was mildly disturbed and even more so when after two minutes I was invited out the next night to go to their 'Moulin Rouge party' in Bournemouth.
Despite the creapiness I was eagerly tried to get everyone to go to the Cricketers where they'd told me to meet them, but by the time everyone had drunk up it was closed to entry. Annoyingly I also hadn't been given their number.
It turned out I wasn't the only one who was dissapointed and so we decided to go round the back and try to climb in (we were all a little bit tipsy at this point). Climbing on the roof however only got us up to a random person's kitchen so we gave up.

Now in a climbing mood however Matt and I also decided to climb up the side of a random building with me shouting 'we're just like Batman!'. I also pointed out that it was just like that advert where the superhero jumps on the scaffolding after the balloon doing all the cool flips. Then I remembered that he died at the end of that advert...
It's evidence of how shit those adverts are that I came away from it with the message 'climbing while drunk makes you cool like a superhero'. It's a bit like that advert where he runs over the kid and then she drags herself back into the road and clicks all her bones back into place. That video says to me 'Zombies can never die!'
I also decided to climb up a lampost and stand on the top of a high up metal fence while drunk. That actually makes me feel a bit sick looking back as it's definitely one of the stupider things I've done recently.
It was also dumb as I'd forgotten I had a busted spine that was just about getting better and I've been regretting it ever since.

Drunkenly we discussed going dinggying on the river in Wimborne before deciding that Poole was a more sensible place to continue the night. Here we went to Dundees and The Top Floor (or something like that (it has the stickiest floor in all the world)) but while travelling from one to the other we got approached by some random kids going 'It's them home slice! The ones who dissed us schnizzle!' (or something like that (that's my attempt at gangster talk)). Obviously we hadn't seen them before and they were just trying to make themselves look hard.
Unfortunately for them a) there were fewer of them, b) they were shorter than us and c) you don't mess with drunk Matt. Matt then basically chased them back down the road, until they ran away and awesomely shouted at him: 'If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the arena!'
Firstly, never try to quote (or misquote) Gordon Ramsey in a fight. Secondly, Arenas aren't particularly known for their heat. They also said they were going to come back with 40 more which sparked the William Wallace side of Chris' personality. While we were enjoying pints in the Top Roof Place we had him shouting at us 'They have the place surrounded! Now are you going to sit here and sip your drinks or are you going to go out there in a blaze of glory??'. Simon, Matt and I felt that if they did have the place surrounded it was pretty much their responsibility to either wait or come in, and on checking out the window we were greeted by a completely empty road.

When I finally got back I was so drunk and tired that I lay outside my house stroking a random cat for half an hour and nearly fell asleep. The next day I felt even worse and now also had a completely crippled spine. And I was meant to be meeting Goof's friend for some sort of date. I called off out of not-remembering-the-night-properly and extreme lethargy, but ended up having my arm twisted into watching The Dark Knight with Simon and my sister and her friend who 'had to come but doesn't finish work until 10'. The film ended at nearly 3 am. By the time I went to bed I didn't even know what my name was.
That said it was completely worth it - the film was completely awesome. It was dark, action packed and philosophical in equal measures and anyway it was Batman. Heath Ledger as everyone has said stole the show with an oscar-worthy performance. Now I'm not sure how they're going to continue though as he blatantly would have returned for the third one but no actor is going to want to try to fill his shoes. The only man who could do it I reckon is Johnny Depp. Think about it.
The film unfortunately lead me to work out at 4am because that's what Batman would have done (Batman has been getting me into a lot of trouble this week I've just noticed). Unfortunately this was the final straw for my back and also my tiredness. I woke the next morning a cripple with the worst case of man-flu ever recorded (I'm starting to think I might have human bird flu (well it's unlikely that I'd get bird bird flu...)).

Still the next day though no rest - instead I had my cousin, aunt and uncle visit for my birthday which was lovely even if I wasn't my most entertaining. By the time they'd left however I honestly considered writing my will (I wrote a rough draft where I left my sister all of my DVD cases but none of the disks).

Today I've just been lying around the house making whimpering noises. Although one interesting thing happened - my Mum's vigil to get me a girlfriend like a normal child (I mean man now!) has lead her to try to set me up with her colleague at work who apparently is very pretty. She gave her my name and I think she was a bit confused when she said she was going to 'poke' me. Then my Mum pointed out I might have met her as she was in Wimborne Friday, and that she was interesting for example she also went to Bournemouth the day after dressed as a character from Moulin Rouge.

So I either met her or her friend, it's a small world. So with her about to get in contact on Facebook and with the success of Wednesday something good has got to come of the week right? Well no actually, as Si pointed out it'll be about a day before I mess it all up and start again from scratch. And I'm not getting any younger...

Adman: now an actual Man

2008-08-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me! Actually technically it was my Birthday yesterday but whatever. I am now 21 and officially a man and have some cool stuff to show for it. The coolest items from this bountiful day are a watch, a ring, Splinter Cell Double Agent for Xbox 360, DVDs and Superman and Autobot-insignia belt buckles (I now look almost exactly like Superman)!

The ring and the watch I actually didn't get today but chose while I was on Holiday in Turkey. The watch is a Rado and is well cool with the face sort of blending into the strap. Okay technically it's not a Rado but a cheap knock-off but according to the very honest seeming man in the shop it's impossible to distinguish between this and the genuine article. He wouldn't lie to me right?
The ring I also got from a dodgy Turkish shop in order to replace the ring I lost in Bulgaria. I forgot to mention here that it happened what with all my chubby girl antics but it was quite a big deal at the time; I'd inherited it from my Dad and it had considerable sentimental value. When it came off in the sea I went a bit mental and snorkled around looking for it for probably over an hour while Rich and Goof looked slightly concerned. I had nightmares about it for weeks after too.
Anyway I got a cool new one which I consider a kind of spiritual successor. It's made of stainless steel with Onyx stones in it and I think it's probably actually slicker really. It just feels good to be wearing one again anyway as I kind of missed the feeling of having one there. Also when I'm very drunk I sometimes talk to it and it gives me advice...
Probably shouldn't have mentioned that...

Pete, Stinky and the rest of the family all also bought expensive rings and things as souvenirs (it wasn't their birthdays!) which is stressful as anything. All the shop keepers try to force you to buy their stuff and when they try to leave they assume you're just bluffing or haggling. In actual fact you just don't have any need for a dog made out of shells.
They all also use the same phrases everywhere you go - mostly quotes from Delboy in Only Fools and Horses. It seems like he's somehow become the ambassador for all of England (probably not a good thing). They also seem to be missing the point rather; not realising that they're meant to be trying to prove that they're not like Delboy as opposed to vice versa.

The shopping was made even more awkward for me however when the young guy in one jewelers seemed to take rather a liking to me. I was chatting to be polite but I think he mistook my English politeness for genuine interest so he suggested we go to a club. I made some lame excuse after which he insisted I give him my number.
I was now beginning to worry he might be gay so I gave him the number for my old phone, only for him to try and ring it and find it didn't work. I explained it was in the safety deposit box (a blatant lie) and so he gave me his.
Only then we went back there later so I actually had to hide round the corner for half an hour while my sisters tried on rings. Ridiculous.

Other than shopping we spent the last few days relaxing. On the last day though we did so on a beer cruise which was pretty awesome entailing lying in the sun, drinking and stopping for the occasional swim. It wasn't as restful for me though as it could have been as I decided to spend my time showing off climbing the boat and doing backflips from the diving bit (backflips/faceplants actually). I then went swimming with Pete to a distant cave where I found a diving weight and about 50 rocks that I decided I just had to have. By the time I'd swum the hundred or so metres back I was completely exhausted, burned and terrified (I thought I was going to get eaten).

Then at the airport it turned out I couldn't take the weight anyway as they were charging £8 per kilo over the limit. Randomly the rep actually asked if he could keep it so it went to a good home. I realised the irony when I asked what on Earth he'd want with it...
I left my big shiny rock in the case though, even though it's forbidden to take them out of Turkey and apparently a 'big problem' (I didn't notice any particular lack of rocks while I was out there but whatever). My Mum and Pete were trying hard to convince me to leave it but being a 'know it all' I convinced them there wouldn't be a problem and stubbornly left it there - only to find minutes later that we had to x-ray each of the cases.
Obviously the giant rock was rather obvious on the xray machine and I was rather sternly told to get it out. The security guard then held it, looked at me like I was a nutter, and went 'Oh go on then! Have a great flight!'. It was a bit weird actually (Adam magic). I think he might be the soundest airport security guard on Earth.

Since being back I mostly rested - all that holidaying is tiring. The other day I went round Goof's to watch Kickboxer and shave his head (?) but left after 8 hours having done neither opting instead to talk like old women for the entire time (plus the clippers were duff). At midnight we had a mini birthday party with cake I'd been given by my neighbour-across-the-road Margerie and a can of beer (and cup of tea). That's how I saw in my man-hood.
Yesterday I also went for a nice meal with family at the Tatnam Tandoori and had a splendid Keema Massala (though I wished I'd had a Keema Dhansak) and I will be partying like it's my birthday over the next two days so it's all good.

Also planned for the near future is the possible return of some facial hair. This time just a moustache though. I realise now that the beard didn't really work and looked like an identi-fit one, but I think this could be better. Some people also described my previous attempt as making me look like an 80s porn star. Personally I think that was a bit generous and that I was more likely a porn extra - perhaps the guy who stands in the corner wanking.
Anyway, I'm going to try this, despite some scepticism (starting after my birthday celebrations though).

It's good to be back and I have a fun month planned before my return to Uni on Sept 8, so roll on the good times!

Indıana Adam and the Quest for the Weırd Shıny Stone

2008-07-31T04:45:00.000-07:00

Just another quıck message from Turkey here - I'm not sure how long I have untıl my ınternet allowance cuts out. It doesn't warn you at all but ınstead just stops whıch ıs pretty annoyıng. It's lıke war-tıme communıcatıons. Probably.

Most of the tıme I've just been relaxıng more and feel properly chılled. Thıs ıs the fırst holıday where I don't really want to go back (although I do mıss my poodle allot (and tuna sandwıches)). When I do get back though I have only good thıngs to look forward to.

I have been to the gym allot of course and have been usıng my lıttle sıter as a spotter. Unfortunately I recently pushed her a bıt too hard and have damaged her bıceps. Thıs tıme last year she started cryıng ın the gym and the man who worked there had to come over and say 'I thınk she's done enough!'. Pussy.

It's also transpıred that my Mum's 'worrıed' I don't have a gırlfrıend yet. As though I wasn't mıffed about that enough already. I've blown ıt wıth more lovely gırls than I should ever by rıghts have had a chance wıth ın the fırst place.
Makıng ıt worse are all the beautıful Russıans around the hotel. One ın partıcular ıs a vıssıon but I have never come across someone less ınterested ın me ın my lıfe. I have trıed every trıck ın the book - even pretendıng to smıle at random toddlers - but to no avaıl. Probably wouldn't have worked that well what wıth the dıstance and the language barrıer anyway.

Yesterday was more ınterestıng as we went on a 'jeep safarı' whıch consısted of just drıvıng around mountaıns ın a jeep for 8 hours (spectacular vıews though). At one of the stops though I decıded to wander off. I swam across thıs lake and dıd some rock clımbıng and at the top I found thıs amazıng (but massıve) rock that looks lıke ıt mıght be marble or somethıng!
From there though wıth the rock I couldn't clımb back down, or swım for that matter, but luckıly I found thıs long rıckety wooden brıdge that at the end only consısted of a couple of logs. It was properly hıgh and there was only shallow water below (wıth hundreds of these weırd gıgantıc frogs). It was one of the scarıest stunts of my lıfe and was agaınst my beter judgement but I was hardly goıng to turn down an authentıc Indıana Jones experıence!

Wıth the rock though ıt was pretty hard and the log I'd chosen towards the end was spınnıg round so to make ıt to the other end I had to throw ıt across fırst. That ıs so what Indıana Jones would do.

I made ıt to the other sıde but was pretty gutted tha a) no one had seen and b) I dıdn't have a camera. Frotunately though I carrıed on up thıs steep hıll that I thought would leed back to camp (ıt turned out the whole convoy was waıtıng for me). When I got to the top though I found ıt was a sudden drop on the other sıde and I'd kınd of appeared at the top of thıs semı-clıff. Awesomely the camera man happened to be fılmıng there at that exact poınt and sold us a DVD of ıt at the end. One awesome profıle pıcture comıng up!

Greetıngs from Turkey

2008-07-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

Thıs wıll just be a quıck message as I am currently resıdıng ın sunny Turkey and battlıng wıth a computer that lacks apostrophes and several other necesary keys such as the at sıgn and recognısable ıs. I am also shakıng havıng just removed the bıggest bug ever from my groın.
Apart from that though the hotel ıs spıffıng and Im havıng a great tıme maxıng and relaxıng. Im just back from playıng a game where I had to try and skıp whıle standıng on a strange floatıng platform. I was the only person ın the game who managed to fall on hıs ass so ıt wasnt a great performance. The man called me Sylvester Stallone and later Rocky Balboa though, so for me ıt was a great vıctory and Ive been beamıng all day.

Other actıvıtıes have ıncluded a day of whıte water raftıng whıch was pretty good fun. I was sat at the front of the raft wıth Pete as I was assumed to be a strong rower. Thıs put quıte a lot of pressure on me at the end where they told us wed flıp over ıf the front rowers werent good enough. Fortunately I managed to get us through wıthout ıncıdent. Thıs was an especıally good achıevement as Id also fılled the boat wıth a selectıon of rocks Id found and decıded I lıked along the way.

Weve also had a spa day whıch was awesome. It was a properly good one wıth a massage, jakuzı, facıal, sauna and more; the full works. Mum also opted to buy us the full body pack whıch wasnt actually ıncluded ın our package. Thıs ınvolved us gettıng entırely plastered ın mud by a vertıcally challenged smılıng Turk. I was last to be covered and so the last to leave the room. The Turk then saıd Balcon, so I assumed he wanted me to go and stand on the balcony. When I got there though there were no other people covered ın mud and I began to feel a bıt self conscıous. Thıs was compounded when a group of tourısts started wavıng at me from underneath the balcony and laughıng.
To hıde myself I trıed to lıe down before some ancıent old lady started shoutıng at me as Id have made a mess of the seats. To dıstract me she gave me some orange juıce (whıch I later learned Id have to pay for). I stood there drınkıng my juıce for about ten mınutes before the excıteable mıdget Turk came and started yellıng that I was lost and led me away to where I was meant to be standıng.
Unfortunately beıng stood on the balcony had meant all my mud had drıed on me and my rıght arm was stuck bent because Id been holdıng my juıce leavıng me walkıng around lıke C3PO. Thıs meant that I had to go and shower off straıght away, so ın all that part of the day dıdnt go as smoothly as ıt could have.

The rest of the tıme though Ive just been lyıng about readıng and takıng full advantage of the all ınclusıve food. Ive been to thıs hotel once before so I knew what to expect and everythıngs just as slıck as I remember. Its apparently 5 star and even the gym ıs pretty exceptıonal. Ah, to be a student agaın!

Adam Sinicki: Outlaw

2008-07-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

It's been about a week since my last post and I've managed to squeaze a lot of cock ups in for you. The first one came when I was driving Goof home and I reversed down my drive. At the moment there's anything up to four cars there at any given point (mine, Maddie's, Mum's and Pete's van) which mixed with my rule-bending driving style is a recipe for disaster. As I was reversing Goof called out to stop noticing that I was heading straight for the gate. I did, but then took my foot off the break to watch as my wing mirror was slowly bent and snapped off. This was a problem as I was meant to be driving on the motorway two days later. I had several solutions in mind but fortunately it turns out that the passenger side mirror isn't actually necesary and is more of an optional bonus. I just had to hide the fact from my mum and arrange a mirror inside the car so that it pointed roughly where the old one did. This worked suprisingly well and as you can tell I am still not dead.

The reason I was motorwaying it up was that I was visiting Holly in her temporary campus setting for a night of catching up and getting badly drunk, and that is where another ridiculous encouter occurred. The night started off very nicely and it was nice catching up. I also got to finally go to Harpers - I've been trying to get someone to come with me for three years now just because I think I should visit each club in Guildford at least once seeing as there are only two of them. To be honest it was shite though. Shite in that it was both expensive and empty and I ended up on my own at one point and had to inject myself into a random birthday party so I didn't look like a loner. By the time we were out though we were both pretty tanked and we decided we needed a cab to get back. We got a subway and waited for one before getting in but unfortunately Holly then puked a bit and we were kicked out. To make matters worse the cabby began demanding £60 which he obviously wasn't going to get as I don't have that much in all my accounts combined. I also decided that it seemed a bit steep and as though he'd just made it up off the top of his head. Most of it had gone in Holly's shoe anyway (and my t-shirt) so I decided to stand my ground opting instead to pay him about £20. He wasn't having any of it though and as we were walking away he began following us down the road for a good ten minutes. He then started trying to block our path and spouting at us in his native tongue (I may now be cursed). I was also a bit worried about Holly so I politely asked him to f off. This didn't go down well and he started making even more noise and running around. Moments later a mate of his started driving along side us and shouting at us as well. I thought for a moment that he I was going to get dragged into a dark alleyway and roughed up but fortunately the mate was just as small as the first guy. They also seemed a bit nervous around us so I came up with a plan - charge at them. So I turned round and just ran directly towards them yelling like tarzan and chased them down the street. Obviously I wasn't going to do anything but I thought they might go away if they thought I was on the edge. It worked too, which was a good thing because if they didn't run away I'd have looked a bit silly when I reached them and just... stopped. I'd probably have had to run past them or something. Like a mentalist.
In retrospect I'm not proud of that. At the time I thought I was being a champion for truth and justice, but thinking about it sensibly I think I was more 'drunken arsehole'. I was pleased that I had the power to intimidate but at the same time dissapointed in myself; I swore long ago that I would never use my powers for evil. Superman wouldn't be likely to do something like that. Rambo might though. I've noticed that in several of these anecdotes I come off as a bit of a bastard (such as the 'chubby girl' story only last week), but I assure you I'm fairly pleasant normally in person. These things just seem like a good idea at the time. I am a nice guy, ask my Mum - she likes me.
Anyway, things got slightly worse as the cabby then decided to call the cops. I suppose you would really. They somehow found us both 20 minutes later but fortunately I found a cop who seemed to really like me or just really didn't like the cabby. Perhaps he was a wee bit racist, or maybe he was gay who knows (or he could have fancied Holly, that's probably more likely - I really need to work on the narcisism). Basically though he said this was a civil matter and not a legal matter. He took my details but said that if the cabby wanted to chase it up he'd have to go through a solicitor - and if he did that he still wouldn't have a case. The cop agreed the bloke was taking the piss a bit and apparently without a sign in the cab he can't demand any cash at all. He even wrote in his notes 'paid £20 to drive 10 metres'. So hopefully I won't be hearing anymore about that. It's not good though it marks two firsts for me: the first time I've charged at a man, and the first time the police have taken my details. Now I'll be easier to track down if I ever decide to murder someone. I've only ever been told off by the cops once before and that was for climbing things like a mentalist (they just told me to go home). What with my argument with the bouncer recently maybe this is the start of a slippery slope? It's also pretty strange that I've managed to piss off two taxi drivers in seven days. That's more than I normally piss off in a year! It's also about the twentieth person I owe money.

There have been successes this week as well though. Firstly I've joined a new gym with Goof and Rich called Fitspace. It's a great little place and I already feel at home there (the gym is where I feel most at home... which is incredibly sad). Goof and Rich are also inspiring gym buddies and on top of the protein shake we've just bought (review coming soon) we should get pretty mighty pretty quickly over the summer. Another piece of excelent news is that my sister gave me my birthday present early so that I could take it on holiday: a PSP! I now like her a bit more than I did before (even though she did get it free). I already have a few games for it: Iron Man, Sonic Rivals 2 and Rocky Balboa. You wouldn't know I was broke would you? I'm saving the last two until I'm on the plane tomorrow. I'm actually almost as excited about playing that as I am about going on holiday.

I've also managed to squeaze in a pint with my Ferndown mates in the Pure Drop and tried to reform the band. The 'band' was actually just me and Simon (we had about four other members but I don't think we even had one practice with the full line up). We played strange melodic-yet-evil prog rock using a guitar, keyboard and banjo. We were originally called 'The Shambles' until that cock Dohurty stole the name for 'The Baby Shambles' (that's a court case waiting to happen). We also had the names 'Reel Inertia' and 'Some Blokes' (our current favourite (a friend once suggested 'Wet Wet Wankers' but that didn't catch on)).
Now we both have better equipment as well as slightly more experience so I was hopefull that we'd make some awesome sounds. These hopes were quickly squashed however when my keyboard didn't turn on. Simon then got out his which had been destroyed by battery acid. Even his kids toy keyboard was out of action due to lack of batteries. We dubbed it 'The Day the Keyboards Died'. Which we hope to be the title of our next song. So that was the result of our efforts. A productive session indeed.

Anyway, I'm off to pack for holiday now! Exciting stuff. I totally deserve it aswell; I haven't had a holiday for nearly two weeks!

Crisis Mode Adam and my trip to Bulgaria.

2008-07-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I've been all over the shop too and a little busy so excuse the lack of recent posts. I know it's difficult to go on without weekly updates into my bizarre and mostly inane life, but I have been pretty snowed under by anyone's standards. Incredibly snowed under by my standards then.
Anyway I'm back now, that's what matters, and I promise I won't leave you like that again. At least not until next Sunday when I'm going to Turkey for two weeks... Ah what it is to be a student again.

The amount of time since my last post means there's a lot to catch up on now though, so this is likely to be an uber post. So if you really haven't got anything better to be doing than reading my random rambles then go and make yourself a nice cup of tea then come back. I'll do the same.

So last time I wrote here I was approaching the end of my self-imposed exile in Leeds (I say self-imposed exile because I've been watching Rambo and that's how Sly describes his life on the commentary). It was my last week and I was living there rent-free in an attempt to screw over my letting agents at least a little bit.
Pleasingly they didn't appear to be trying to take any money out and hadn't phoned either. Until Tuesday that is when they actually phoned me at work. Here they explained to me that my last month's rent had bounced to which I replied that they didn't need it as I paid the first month up front. They tried to argue that I had to pay it as I hadn't given them enough warning and supported this by reading out my insulting letter to them over the phone. That was slightly enjoyable if a little awkward but it also gave me the opportunity to point out they there was more than adaquate warning and repeat what they had told me and go 'ooh I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you'. They were stumped and I was loving it until they pointed out that I was still living there (technically squatting) and that they would kick me out. Not so good. To combat this I then lied and told them that I was already moved out and they could come and look if they didn't believe me.

This strategy was obviously severely flawed due to the fact that I was a) at work b) going on a bender to celebrate my leaving and c) certainly nowhere near moved out. They'd let themselves into my flat before and I didn't doubt they'd do it again. So I did what any man would do - went on the night out and hoped for the best.
The leaving drinks were good fun and it made me warm inside that every one came (also I had wind so it might have been that). We went to three pubs in total I think, the last being Bar Ha which I lead us to for novelty value. I got a round of shots for the remaining drinkers at that point to say thanks but quickly wished I hadn't when it came to nearly £20.

I returned home about 12am and more than a little drunk but couldn't go to sleep as I had a job to do. I was in crisis mode - a special state of consciousness I reserve for dire situations - which gave me the power I needed to load the entire flat (or what remained after Pete's visit) into my car navigating the five flights of stairs as I did while drunk and in the dark. I also had to do this all silently so as not to wake the gypsies (which was made tricky by my neighbours dog which kept going off every time I opened my door), I had finally come to the conclusion that leaving without saying goodbye was in fact okay and that I was going to keep his CD just to avoid awkwardness. Somehow though I was successful and I felt like a Jew from a book or some refugee fleeing Leeds under cover of night. By the time I'd finished it must have been 5am and my hangover had already started but still my work was not done as after only two hours sleep I then had to drive to Si's house and park outside while severely hung over before going to my last day's work.

The letting agents were baffled and I had won the battle but at a heavy price. I was nearly falling asleep at work despite it being my big leaving day, although the events of the afternoon managed to brighten me up.
First of all we had pizza, and then I was presented with my presents. You know how sometimes at Christmas your relatives ignore your list and you're secretly really dissapointed with what you get? Well this was nothing like that - I got two Iron Man graphic novels and a £10 HMV voucher (previously Rambo before they realised I'd already bought it). On top of that I got two framed magazine covers that they'd made with me on the front basically taking the piss, they're pretty funny and I'll probably reproduce them here sometime (I would now but they're currently hanging on my wall and I can't be bothered to stand up).
As well as all this I was presented a cup of tea by the publisher Jan which was a ceremonious occasion after a year of me being coffee monitor, and to top of my good mood I've been offered (and accepted) freelance work for next year. I may not be completely penniless!

So it was all good until I had to say my goodbyes which were bitter sweet. I was pretty upset to leave as I have a habbit of getting attached to things (even old TVs) and I felt like everyone else could have been a little more upset. No one cried for example which was a dissapointment.
The same day though someone new had started so it was nice to kind of be passing on the torch (although she works in a different department so I was really only passing over my chair). Although having said that maybe there'd have been more sadness if she wasn't there... kind of stole my thunder...

Now I had to drive back to Bournemouth on 2 hours sleep and with a fair bit of alcohol in me. I was also concerned on the bus that my car had been parked on the pavement all day - especially as Si had chosen the same day to inform me he wasn't actually at home and didn't have a drive. Fortunately it was still safe when I got there which was a minor miracle considering how conspicuous it was with a boot packed full of crap and a large plastic elephant riding shotgun.

I hadn't counted on one last obstacle however which presented itself to me in the form of my gypsy neighbour who just so happened to be walking down the road right there at that time. What were the chances of that happening? I'd managed to unload my entire flat without having to talk to him and now here he was wondering around outside Si's flat on a Wednesday afternoon! I realised that if I told him now that I was leaving that would make me the biggest arse on the planet so I had no choice but to lie to him directly. The conversation went as follows.

'Hi Adam'
'Oh hi... mate...'
'Where you goin?'
'Oh just back to Bournemouth for a bit, for the summer.'
'Oh right. You're not leaving by any chance are you?'
'No. Well, yeah, but just for a month. Two weeks in Bulgaria, two weeks at home, should be awesome.'
'Oh cool. I was worried because I saw you loading your car and the other week I saw them showing some people round your flat.'
'They what?!?!'
'They were showing people round. You didn't know?'
'No! This is an outrage! I've had nothing but shit from them. I hope they're not trying to kick me out...'
'Yeah they're wankers. And I was worried because you still have my CD.'
'Oh yeah... sorry about that I forgot...'
'You don't have it on you do you?'
'No it's at home... sorry... can I get it to you when I get back?'
'Sure...'

What was even more cringe worthy about that was the fact that I actually had the CD in my bag but it was buried beneath all my crap. I didn't even want it when he gave it to me (it's Pink Floyd's greatest hits, which I already have) but he was too off his head on acid to let me refuse. I basically lied and stole from a gypsy - I think he definitely came out of that scenario better than I did. I'm a monster. I am going to get it back to him though - I'm going to send it in the post with a letter explaining that I was unfairly thrown out and somehow disguising the fact that I still have no clue what his name is.

I then did that ridiculous drive (in one sitting and record time) for what's probably the last time before arriving home with just one day until my holiday. A day I spent frantically searching my lost passport and unloading the entire loft before finding it was lying in plain sight on the floor in front of me.

The holiday was brilliant too although it wasn't exactly the rest I needed after all that and infact in places it was just as hectic and knackering. The area we were staying in was 'Sunny Beach' in Borgas which is just as pleasant and tourist oriented as it sounds - the beaches are sandy and sunny and the streets are literally crammed with things to eat, drink, throw, shoot, buy, jump in and sleep with (there are loads of prostitutes who also don't think anything of pouncing out and grabbing your balls while trying to snatch cash out your pockets. I called it 'sex mugging' and although we all got a bit groped fortunately no-one had their dosh swiped).
It was just me, Goof and Rich on the holiday (although Si and his mates were out there too and we did meet up with them once) and the three of us were sharing a hotel room which was awesomely equiped with a TV, microwave, hob, oven and even a washing machine. We were meant to get a CD player but we didn't feel the need to moan.
We were also meant to get a gym but this too was sadly missing. Not one to forgo my training however I found that I could walz into the hotel opposite and use their one. This consisted of one single multi-gym but I managed to overcome that by creating some bizzarre and unique moves for it. One of which unfortunately snapped off the lat-pull down.

Our first couple of days were spent mostly chilling in pubs as we had travelled through the night and become pretty exhausted. Our first big night out was about two days in when we found the club 'Lazur' which was completely awesome with tonnes of people, bars within the club and a swimming pool in the outside section.
Our weirdest night out however came on the Wednesday which proved to be one of those ridiculous situations that I seem to get into whenever I'm spending allot of time with Goof (the author of the delightful message in the last post). Basically we were in a club called orange when Goof and I decided to take our tops off and go on the stage. We were in high spirits having previously just won a bottle of wine at a shooting gallery and were also being 'shirt off men' which is soon to be the title of a new facebook group. The other more pertinent reason was that we were paralytic.
Up here we were obviously attracting a fair amount of attention to ourselves which lead to Goof pulling.

At the time we were both looking through beer goggles and she seemed quite fit but in retrospect she has become known as 'minger face' (her actual name was Katherine). Anyway Goof was doing well and I was trying to be supportive when her (giant) friend came to chat to me. It quickly became obvious that the friend (Katy) had a liking for me as well and infact wouldn't stop grabbing me. I was making it pretty clear that I wasn't interested but she wasn't getting the hint and I didn't want to be blunt and blow Goof's chances. Instead I opted to hide in the toilet for a while and make a video explaining how I was hiding out from a 'rather chubby girl' and had broken a bog roll holder off the wall.

After the club closed however the two girls had invited themselves back and I realised there was no way I could continue to avoid Katy's advances. I needed a plan; which is why when a random drunken Sweed (called Casper) shouted 'Where's the after party?' I replied 'Our place!', before spreading the word. I was slightly inspired by the book I was reading 'Yes Man' which encourages adventure and my plan was to fill the house with random foreigners to help give me an excuse to avoid Katy. I may also have still been a little tipsy. Unfortunately Rich was not so keen on this idea believing they would steel our things and I had to turn them back after they had been following us announcing that the party was off and they should go to the beach. Rich also banned me from reading the Yes book.

At the flat I was doing everything I could to avoid Katy while Goof snogged on the balcony but in the vein of the size 20 she was pretty persistent. I even tried pretending to be passed out so that she'd leave me alone but she took this as an opportunity to grab my boxers forcing me to leap up and make tea. It was at this point that she found our camera and started looking through photos. When she found a video of me in a toilet she was suddenly very excited while I was suddenly mortified. She pressed play and my voice came out loud and clear:

'I'm a little bit drunk... I broke THIS off the wall... I'm hiding out here actually... from a rather CHUBBY girl!'. Suddenly she looked mental and played it back 'a rather chubby girl!' and again 'a rather chubby girl!'. She looked at me with complete hatred and I just smiled jinxily and told her that it was a 'different chubby girl' which went down like a sack of shit. I'm not proud I made the video but to fair I was a bit pissed and no-one was even meant to see it. It was like something out of Peep Show and I couldn't believe what had happened, particularly when she seemed to go mental and just sat there going 'chubby girl' and repeating it under her breath.

Later she started hitting me with a newspaper and even more terrifyingly Katherine began drunkenly waving a bread knife at me.

At this point Goof then began trying to throw up in the toilet and the atmosphere became suddenly particularly sour. Katy announced 'That's our cue to leave - I think we've wasted enough time here' and for a moment I saw hope. Unfortunately however Katherine had somehow fallen in love with Goof and wouldn't part with him (this was the man who only moments earlier had announced that he might vomit on her). He had by this time realised he'd made a rather large mistake and was cringe worthingly avoiding talking to her properly. By the time they actually left it was 10am and I was a broken man.

Shortly after I tried to relax myself and forget the whole incident by getting a nice massage in the hotel where my gym was. When I went in and paid however all the hot women who worked there left and a large burly man stepped out and instructed me to hop on. I did as instructed depsite being slightly terrified and hoping he was going to go and fetch my masseuse. That wasn't quite what happened however and instead he decided to pull my shorts down exposing my ass and start rubbing oil into my back. To be honest I felt a bit violated and don't really like to talk about it. After he'd finished I awkwardly paid and left although it didn't feel right after all that to just walk out. It felt like we should at least have a chat or something... men...

In short it certainly didn't help me feel any more relaxed.

My only successful bit of pulling came towards the end when we met a large group of girls. The one who sat next to me was really chatty and was talking about travelling and shit (typically she was moving to Leeds next year). Unfortunately both her lot and my lot wanted to leave when it started raining so that was nipped in the bud nicely. I've added her on Facebook though - in my book that's a win!

By the end of the holiday we'd had an awesome time - done lots of clubbing, met lots of people and even explored a little. We were sad to go but the time was right and I was looking forward to getting back to see Rambo. We wandered around the place and spent the last of our cash before saying our goodbyes to the place and checking out. We stood outside the hotel for a while in the dark for an hour watching the drunken holiday makers pass us by and wished we were one of them (one random guy in a skirt waved his ass at us). At 2am however our receptionist came outside to see what was going on and explained that there was a 'missunderstanding'. On the board in the hotel room it said we should be outside 1am Friday - as in Thursday night. Unfortunately they had made a mistake and it was meant to say 1am Saturday. We checked our tickets mortified and found that we had indeed checked out of our hotel an entire day early. Sheepishly we asked for the key back and wandered back in dum struck. We had literally tried to leave our holiday a day early. What should have been our last awesome night in Bulgaria on a Friday had been wasted wandering around waiting to go home - and worse we now had to do it all again!

Literally it was one of the biggest cockups we've ever made (which is saying something indeed) and we spent the entire next day in shock and disbelief. None of us really had any cash, particularly me who had to scrounge off Rich, and by the time we were actually leaving we were like zombies.

To make matters worse we arrived at the airport at 6.30am only to find our taxi service had chosen to not turn up or even inform us. As we'd given them 'entirely the wrong details' they chose to just leave us high and dry adding another 2 hours to our haul. By the time we got back we were again completely exhausted and I didn't even know where I was.

Today I feel like complete shit and am bunged up and pooey. I haven't even been able to rest though as I've already been to Jimmy Carr with Simon and my sister (which was excelent mind) and am joining the gym tomorrow with Goof and Rich. At the same time I have to sort out my final bills and severe lack of funds... I need another holiday...

Which is fortunate as I'm having one.

In Bulgaria

2008-07-01T06:21:00.000-07:00

Yo all. Just in case anyone even cares a little bit I'm currently in Bulgaria hence the lack of posting. Loads of amazing stuff has happened though so stay tuned and maybe come back some time.

And now a message from the Goof:

hello blog readers. as the regulars will be aware i tend to feature in this blog from time to time, if you dont know who i am you are either not regulars or i am not as memorable as i thought i was. i wanted to take this opportunity (the first time i have been in the room while the A dizzle writes (Adam)) to wish everyone well. also hope you enjoyed the one article i wrote. untile next time (which may be never) have fun.

How nice was that?

From Bradford, With Love

2008-06-23T10:22:00.001-07:00

As usual my plans have gone awry. In this instance the plan that I'm talking about in particular is my plan to screw over my letting agents by leaving without paying for my last month. The reason this backfired is that it transpires that I actually paid for last month in advance. So I cancelled the direct debit and laughed maniacally at my own genius only to find out that they weren't even aware. And that even if they were they completely wouldn't care. That is a shite attempt if ever there was one. Exemplary of how not to get revenge.

It's not like I can get them back in another way now either, as it means they actually owe me money and I need to be nice if I want it back. That also means I have a lot of house to clean in exactly, five hours (so I'm writing my blog of course).
In a way this is a good thing. It means that although I am now technically squatting, they don't have any reason to kick me out (unless they are even more arse-hole-ish than I was previously aware). It also means they won't be chasing me or my guarantors for cash and that there is definitely nothing else coming out of my account (apart from around 20 bills). Still I'd much prefer to see them suffer.
Maybe I could just resort to old fashioned forms of revenge like bricking their window or maybe killing Irene's youngest. Actually I plan to follow my own advice (which was borrowed from Sun Tsu) and try an indirect attack. The details of which I haven't exactly figured out yet...

I stayed in a hotel last night anyway as it turned out, in Bradford too randomly. Uncle Z had booked a room at a Travel Lodge then decided not to use it opting to stay instead at Auntie Sue's. At the time I thought I was going to be (more) homeless so I asked if I could have it. When it turned out I wouldn't be needing it I decided to stay there anyway for a change of scene and a bit of R&R.

First though I went to Auntie Sue's where Uncle Z and Babcia were also having lunch. It was a very nice family meal and a good way to spend my last Sunday in Leeds (I guess in some ways I was a bit like Jesus). It was good to see Uncle Z and also nice to be able to say goodbye to Auntie Sue and Babcia who I won't be seeing so regularly now. And of course Oakly the cat who I will miss as well despite him tearing the crap out of my hands. Babcia was in good spirits too which added to a pleasant afternoon although I did hear her at one point saying something along the lines of 'who is this man and why is he in your house?' but that didn't really dampen my mood. I'm used to that; I'm not particularly memorable.
Afterwards we retired to the living room to watch From Russia With Love, which prompted Auntie Sue to give me a copy of her Moonraker. Both these put me in a Bond mood which was what made me decide to take Uncle Z up on the hotel offer. That's how my mind works.

I actually had two rooms at the hotel (I'm not sure why) which I thought was brilliant until I realised there were absolutely no advantages to that. I thought long and hard about how I could make the most of it but soon came up empty. In the end I just had 4 cups of tea (as opposed to the standard 2 (I have well and truly given up giving up now)) and 8 pillows. I didn't really even want 8 pillows.
Another brilliant aspect of the room was that you could watch TV and control it with the remote from the bog. Watching Top Gear while taking a dump is definitely living the dream.

I also spent some of my time taking bodybuilding pictures on my phone. It's not a normal way to pass time and I'm pretty sure it's an unhealthy habbit.
The good thing about the situation was that I had no distractions - no computer and no cleaning to be doing. That meant I could relax 100% with my new book. Thinking of how James Bond would relax I decided to run a bath and take my book in there. Bond would possibly also order room service and get some martini to drink in there. And then sleep with the lady who brought it. I couldn't really afford martini or any beverage and the lady on reception wasn't quite up to bond-girl standards (and I think she hated me) so I opted instead for a cup of tea. I had four to get through anyway.
I don't think Bond really drinks tea in the bath, or watches TV on the crapper... but there you go.

I had to wake up at 7 this morning obviously in order to get home in time to get ready and catch the bus to work. Surprisingly though I woke up full of energy and far more awake than usual. I think that's what happens when your bed has actually springs in it and there are no gypsies fighting in the corridoor. So the hotel was a good call.

At work today we then looked at my portfolio of published writing which was cool. I've written a lot in a short time. It was a bit sad though as it kind of hammered home the fact that I'm leaving in a couple of days. I got a nice card from Sarah too to hammer the idea home further with a picture of Paddington Bear on the front. I was like Paddington bear when I got here... I'm sad to leave but excited to go. It's a rollercoaster of emotions! I can't even think about holiday right now, I know I'm going on Friday but it just doesn't feel like it.
Meanwhile I'm dreading Wednesday. Obviously I'm dreading the drive but I'm also dreading my last day. It'll be upsetting for one thing but also very awkward. I hate saying goodbye to people. In the morning everyone will talk normally but they will know deep down that I am leaving. I'll be able to see it in there eyes. This is probably what it feels like to be dying of a terminal illness - awkward. Or on death row.
Then once you've said goodbye and been all emotional I might see them on the stairs on the way down! That's double awkward! I hated it when I left school only to go back for my grades. It's like you've done your dramatic goodbyes and stuff and then two weeks later you're just like 'alright Jeff?'.
I better not cry either. I don't think I will seeing as I'm not generally a cryer. I hardly cried when my cat died (and I loved that cat). The only time I have cried recently was when I had to get rid of my piano and I had some kind of weird nervous breakdown (I was very tired). And I got a bit emotional with Goof when we were a bit drunk a while back...
If I get hay fever it might look like I'm crying. That would potentially be worse. Whenever you try to prove you're not crying suddenly tears well up. Like that time I was playing Tell Me (some people involved in the sordid affair think I was crying because I was losing which I swear isn't true (I was furious though!! It was so unfair!!)).

I'll definitely be crying on the inside though (which sounds unhealthy), as I've grown to really like there and I'll miss everyone I work with. I've even come to kind of like Leeds in a masochistic kind of way...

Later I think I might watch some Joey to cheer myself up 'Everything's gonna' be all right...'

Goof said I should go in a giant Chicken Suite 'like I normally do'. And it's true now I come to think of it, I was a giant chicken both on the last day of 6th form and towards the end of Uni year 1. I'm not sure it would be appropriate here though... and people might think I've gone crazy.

I tried to say goodbye to the lady in the corner shop today. I buy my milk in there and she likes to practice her English on me (it hasn't improved) so I thought it would be nice. She was on the phone though so all I could do was nod solemnly. To be honest she probably wouldn't have had a clue what I was saying anyway.

I'm also not sure whether or not to say goodbye to the gypsies. I feel like I should in a way as they are sort of nice guys but also they again can't understand me and also they are a bit terrifying. Does this mean I should keep his Pink Floyd album? Steeling from a gypsie is ironic but I think it's okay in there culture.
Nah, in reality (as opposed to virtual reality) I better take it back to him. Keeping it out of fear of awkwardness is what worms do (although they rarely find themselves in such situations). I have to man up again (this was the same logic that led to me going in there to say good night in my dressing gown to be polite last time - damn my honourable machismo!).

In other news I have gone back on protein shake (until my current tub runs out anyway) but ended my health drive of no caffein/early nights etc. The weird thing is I actually feel better staying up until three am and drinking loads of tea. It turns out I'm grumpy when I don't drink tea and also seem to have mild narcilepsy. A night owl who lives on tea just who I am so I've given up fighting it.

Oh and stay tuned here guys as I'm going to be starting a new blog 'Superhuman' that will actually be somewhat related to my websites (this one will still be here though).

I'm also thinking of doing a 'Sheep of the Week' blog. Seriously.

War of the Roses

2008-06-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

First things first:

Please buy my e-book! Ignore the cringe-worthy marketing hype (impress women with psychological warfare - it never worked for me! (Perhaps applying the Art of War to romance has been one of my major flaws)) but if you have enjoyed this blog in the slightest, like me a bit, or just don't want me to run out of money and die then please consider making a purchase. It's £5 and over 65,000 words (I have no life). Baring in mind that I am technically going to be homeless tomorrow you could even consider it charity...

Anyway, now that shameless, well begging really, is out of the way let us commence with the blog! It's been a while since I've posted again and I've nothing major to report, more just a series of bizarre and unsettling experiences really.

First of all during lunch on Tuesday I saw a man on a bike attack a busker. The bloke was a happy looking chap, not one of the grubby looking types, playing a very nice rendition of Teenage Dirtbag, when this horrible looking thug turned up and started swinging his bike at him. I assumed that perhaps they knew each other but then the bike-man grabbed the busker's mic and just threw it on the floor.
I had stopped to watch at this point so that I could jump into Superman like heroics if called for (and also as I said it would be kind of cool to see someone actually die in real life).
The busker looked really upset and the bike man then just rode away as suddenly as he arrived.
Everyone clamoured to help him and one guy shouted 'wanker' at the bike guy through the mic. My services weren't needed. It shook me up a bit though, I felt really sorry for the guy.

Then during the same lunch hour the phone in the lift started ringing! I decided to answer out of interest only to find it was someone trying to help me consolidate my debts. In the lift!?

That same day as though I wasn't baffled enough already I went out to get milk. While I was standing in the que I heard a guy behind me going 'Just hit them in the back of the head with a sledgehammer! That'll kill em! Heh! I was brought up a street fighter me!' I presumed he was talking to someone else who was also behind me, a friend maybe, but then I realised he was alone and was talking to me. He then began repeating himself and laughing hysterically.
Old Adam would have started 'Really? That's interesting!' and 'Yeah I'd never thought of that...' in a lame attempt to be understanding and conversational, but fortunately new-jaded-from-his-year-in-Leeds-Adam (I'm dark Adam now!) realised the best point of call was to just completely blank him. That worked too and I felt very proud of myself. I've grown.

But seriously all that in one day! What do I do to provoke these lunatics?

Wednesday was more normal, although I got to leave work early to go and see 'The War of the Roses' with work. Not the actual war as that finished some time ago, but a cricket match dubbed thus. This wasn't because (as I thought) both teams had 'The Roses' in their title, but because it Yorkshire and Lancashire have roses as their logos. That makes more sense actually. The weather wasn't perfect and the game was in constant threat of being rained off. Fortunately they stuck it out although we all got a bit wet.
I'd brought with me £6 (which is my share of what we won in the lottery this year) which turned out to be enough to buy one lot of chips and half a pint. Before the game started then I decided to try and run home during the break to get some alcohol and food.
The guy at the gate told me that they don't let people out during 20:20 matches but fortunately he was kind enough to turn a blind eye - so long as I was back before the game started when he'd have left his post. The bad news was I then ran out of the building in the wrong direction, for ten minutes, before having to run back and past to my flat. In a mad panic I got my Newcastle Brown out before realising they don't let you take glass bottles in. I found some Ribena but unfortunately the bottle was full - I didn't want to waste it so I poured it into a bowl. I now have a random bowl of ribena in my otherwise empty flat.
I grabbed some crisps too and ran back, only to find that I was too late and the security man had left. Luckily no one had come to take his place which seems fairly stupid so I managed to just run in. Kind of wished I hadn't paid.

I don't know what it is about sport that doesn't do it for me. Everyone else seems to enjoy it so there's obviously something wrong with me. I think if maybe they had some kind of armour, or guns, then I'd find it more interesting. Maybe if the losers got shot at the end? These are some ideas for an event I dub 'Lazer rocket show-down cricket!' Cricket I know especially little about and last time I was at a match I actually had to ask whether or not it had started. It had.
Luckily though I still enjoy these events. The atmosphere is really good and for cricket in particular it's a great opportunity to relax and drink beer. There was an amazing Mexican wave that went all the way around the stadium three times and had me in awe of the possibilties of such an organised movement and the power of the guy who started it. We could overthrow parliament!
Everyone at the place seemed more intent on waving and downing beer than actually watching the game which is a kind of sport I can enjoy! They also don't seem to fight and shout at each other like they do at football matches (or sing really annoying songs) and there's music playing over the speakers. I felt like I belonged and to add to the good mood Yorkshire won 154-150. The fact that I know that and grasped the rules enough to realise shows that I must have been enjoying myself. Matt and Nathan also got pretty drunk which added further entertainment as they beat up Lauren. I didn't feel drunk myself but when I got home I went to sleep in my arm chair fully clothed and with the shower on (disturbed briefly by Nathan shouting at me from under my balcony when they failed to get a bus) so I suppose I may have been a little bit affected...

Today I felt okay though although it was another day of ridiculous events. Work went fine but when I got home I got a text saying 'Love you babe... showz watz in your pantz!!' from an unknown number. I of course started thinking of all the people this could be. Maybe a girl I once went on a date with who's finally cracked? I texted back saying 'I'd love too, but I think you may have the wrong number. Why do I never get these kinds of texts?'. Bit flirty I thought, bit of humour in there. Even if it's a wrong number maybe she'll be won over by my charm.
Unforunately though I then got the reply 'That not Jenny??'. So yeah, basically I was flirting with a man.

Then I proceeded to spray coke on everything in my room. And I do mean everything - this wasn't just a bottle that had been shaken a bit - it was an actually coke inferno caused by the build up of gasses over two weeks.
Basically when Pete was round last weekend he asked for some coke. As it was warm I put it in the freezer for a bit but we ended up forgetting about it (that's when I served him the mug of gravy). I remembered today and told the guys at work who told me that if I opened it it would explode everywhere from the pressure or something which I thought sounded cool. So when I got home I stood on the balcony and opened it. Nothing. I was dissapointed and licking it hurt my tongue so I put it on the table feeling empty.
Three hours later I decided to drink it. I opened it and it exploded in my face and proceeded to spray wildly around the room. Turns out the explosions happens after the ice has melted and thus released all the carbon into the bottle...
I thought quickly and shook the bottle around managing to soak my TV, Xbox and new comics before finally throwing it in the bath where it span around like a catherine wheel and drenched my jumper. Well as I have a bowl of ribena why not have a bath of coke?? It's logical.

My life is just one long string of stupid cock ups and random events. Right now I'm eating a meal that consists of three full size pies as I have 12 to finish by next week and pretty much nothing else. And I'm washing it down with a bowl of undiluted ribena...

The Transporter

2008-06-14T13:14:00.001-07:00

I have often thought that I'm like Jason Statham in The Transporter in many ways and the last few days have proved it completely being just like one of the films. I haven't had any big kung fu fights or anything, it's just been similar in that I've been transporting stuff...

The first item I was transporting was on Thursday when I had to drive some stuff to a guy in Leeds for Uncle Z. He gave me the black back pack at Mum's party and tasked me with an address.
This story of transportation definitely isn't as exciting as the afformentioned action flick, so I had a novel idea to make it seem a bit more adventurous. Just click the music below and listen to it while you read. Pretty smart huh? I might do this again in future blogs to suite different moods. It's optional for those who want it but adds an audio dimension to proceedings. It's a breathrough in blogging! I wonder if I'll win a nobel prize?

And yes, predictably the music is from Iron Man...

Anyway, two days passed and the bag sat in my room like a dark omen, a forbidding presence; casting an ominous shadow over my entire life. I had to overcome my laziness and fear of Leeds driving and do the deed.
I remembered the golden rule of transporting 'never look in the package', a code I lived by. But then I remembered that the address I had to take it to was also in the bag. Statham never had that problem.
Carefully opening the bag I was greeted by the site of a laptop. That was a bit dissapointing; a severed head or £1,000,000 in cash would have been more exciting. Still, who knew what was on this laptop - what secret data it might contain? I could have been entrusted with top secret files and I was determined to do my job... no matter the cost!

The location was somewhere with the postcode LS12 - 8 miles from base. I typed it into my navigatron (my sat-nav...) and set off across the dangerous winding roads and bizarre one way systems. I'd been playing Halo 3 all weekend; rushing around in a mongoos and leeping across sand dunes to dodge bombs from overhead banshees while launching rockets at Grunts and Brutes - but nothing could prepare me for the ridiculous Leeds ring road and weird motorway that goes through the city centre. It was a nice reminder of one of the key things I hate about this place. It's as though when they designed the layout of the roads they accidentally got the plans mixed up with those for 'Hot Wheels: Extreme Death-Race'. Or like they were designed by a gorilla. A gorilla with downs syndrom.

Unfortunately I had forgotten to pack the power leed for the sat nav which had less than half battery. It was a race against time... with nothing hanging in the balance.

The Sat Nav is stupid anyway, and I'm convinced it's trying to kill me. How is 'keep left, then keep left, then turn right' helpful? Then it will suddenly shout 'right'! When I'm on a motorway and just missing my turn. The machines are taking over, it's in cahoots with the microwave...
This particular unhelpful comment left me stuck in a multi-story car-park and which I had to pay to get out of. They were too retarded to even think of leaving room for people to turn round if they accidentally got filed onto the motorway.
(I think my Sat Nav may actually be evil. A girl once said that she thought the sat nav was jealous of her because it kept interupting (that's right; blame the lack of girlfriend on the sat nav, that must be it...)).

The most annoying bit though was when the bar started flashing and I decided to put the pedal to the medal. I was coming down a hill and I was going a bit fast and then suddenly I heard a massive crash and came to an almost complete stop much to the consternation of the people behind me. It scared the shit out of me and I couldn't even see anything in the road. Maybe it was a baby.

Fortunately I arrived with my sat nav still on. Then I realised that I hadn't written down the door number. I was pretty sure I knew which one it was, but what if someone tried to trick me? What if some old man answered the door, saw me standing there baring gifts and went 'yeah that's for me thanks!'. Who knew what the consequences would be?
I couldn't go 'prove it' as that would seem a bit rude. 'Tell me your name' would be a bit odd too. I didn't want him to report to my Uncle 'Yeah your nephew delivered the laptop. He's the retarded twat right?'

Then I had a genius idea that would make any action hero proud. It was really thinking on my feet. Or rather thinking on my arse as I was still in the car when I actually thought of it.
His name was Alan, so what I said was 'Hiya, Andy right?'. That was he had to correct me. It was sheer brilliance.

On the way back I inspected my car to find it shitted up even more now at the back. Pretty annoying especially considering I didn't even hit anything. It's just plain unfair.

Then my sat nav wouldn't turn back on and I took nearly two hours to get home. What a pleasant evening. I don't think it'll make the plot for The Transporter 3.

Cut music.

The other transporting I've been doing was today when I moved everything out of my flat with the help of Pete and his big van. That involved carrying dumbbells, barbells, dvds, boxes of books and a plastic elephant down four flights of stairs. That was a pretty awesome workout in itself until I put my back out.
While Pete was organising things into boxes upstairs I also managed to shut myself in the back of his van for 20 minutes. It wasn't actually locked but it was pitch black and I hadn't been in there before. The handle was in a weird place and I decided to stop groping around for it when I hit my head on a saw. Instead I thought 'what would Bruce Lee do?' and sat with my legs crossed meditating and reserving energy which is how Pete found me twenty minutes later. Why wouldn't you check sooner???

The rest of the moving went pretty smoothly and we actually managed to pack the entire van in just over an hour. Pete wouldn't let Toby ride shotgun (Toby's the plastic elephant) so I've opted to keep him here with me until the final move.

The only other mistake was that we packed the crockery and cuttlery before dinner meaning we only had one of everything. That meant I was eating my dinner off a frying pan and drinking tea out of a wine glass. Tip: do not reheat wine-glass-tea in the microwave (yes tea, I've decided now that I'm allowed one cup of caffeine a day).
Oh and I accidentally made Pete a cup of Bisto gravy instead of coffee...

It was weird seeing everything move out and weirder still sitting here now in the emptiness watching Mr and Mrs Smith. It really brings home the fact that this is the end. In some ways this year seems like it's taken forever and in others it feels like I just moved in here.

Cue music (and video):

Travelling Adbury

2008-06-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

I’m writing this on the train back to Bournemouth with the intention of uploading it later. If I was writing it on the train I came down on I’d have been able to write it straight into blogger as it had a wireless internet connection! Being easily pleased I was very excited about this and went straight on Facebook to update my status as ‘Adam is online… on the train! The future is here!’. Then I lost the connection and couldn’t get it back. If that is the future then the future is pretty disappointing.

As I write I’m avoiding the gaze of some girls across the isle. They keep looking over at me and giggling. My narcissistic nature has lead me to deduce that they fancy me (of course). Although it’s probably more likely because I’m munching on a block of Stilton (my Mum packed me some weird nibbles for the journey).

It’s direct now for five hours directly to Leeds which will give me time to polish off my e-book. It’s a big improvement on the way down (wireless or no) where I had to change three times and take the underground during Friday rush-hour in obscene heat. On the Bakerloo line it was so crowded that I had my face pressed against the door and could feel the guy infront of me’s breath on my cheeks. My personal space was completely invaded. You normally only get that close to someone if you’re about to snog. I was also dripping in sweat and highly stressed-out and realised that the only way I could survive the journey would be by somehow making it more pleasant and I remembered the delicious four inch thick chicken, stuffing, bacon and maiyo sandwich in my bag. Getting it out was a struggle and I felt pretty awkward eating a sandwich literally two inches from this guy’s face. I didn’t really know where to look.

The next leg of the journey was unbearable too as I developed an urge to use the loo… for a while. With an hour left to go you’d think I’d be able to get to a toilet but some dick seemed to have lock himself in and I was left wincing in the corridor for the duration.

When I arrived Maddie came to collect me and we fought traffic to get home. I really very nearly soiled myself. When we pulled up though I had a terrible thought – my German great Uncle was inside who I hadn’t seen for ten years. He and his family would all require a hug and I wasn’t sure my bowels could take the pressure. Additionally with English being their second language I wasn’t sure exactly how I’d excuse myself short of pointing at my arse and making pooing noises.

Again then I found myself literally sneaking into my own house to get to the toilet without being spotted. Only to find that they hadn’t arrived anyway.

Seeing them was great though when they did get there. My Uncle Hans is great fun and could easily be a stand-up comic. The next day we went to the very posh Haven Hotel in Poole for Mum’s 50^th party (and my Grandparents’ 80th). Here I had to say hello to around 150 different people and in many cases had to pretend I knew who they were. I greeted my 83 year-old Aunty Elfrieda by patting her on the shoulder thus causing her bag to slide down her arm, hit her elbow and catapult her drink over her dress. Not a great start. My face was literally stinging after an hour from smiling so much. Fortunately though we then moved into the dinner hall where I could stuff it full of food.

There Uncle Hans gave a 20-minute speech which had everyone in stitches. This followed my Mum’s 2 minute speech which had several people crying. I also tried to give a speech although it was very likely the shortest and least successful speech in history. I’m pretty sure when everyone’s shouting at you telling you to sit down that that’s a bad sign. It went like this:

‘Hello. Helloooooo. Everyone! Look at me!’

The reason for this was that after my Mum’s speech it all went quiet. It had been successful – she’d toasted my Oma and Granddad and made people cry. However no one had toasted her and as Peter obviously wasn’t going to do it (he’s a pussy) I decided that it probably fell upon me. My Uncle Charles agreed and so I stood up and clinked my glass with literally no idea what to say. I then shouted the above before realising that my Granddad was also speaking and that I had just completely interrupted him. I then apologised and said ‘you go!’ before sitting down and turning pretty red.

I never got the credit I deserved either. I thought I was being pretty chivalrous even if it had blown up in my face. Afterwards people were asking what I would have said. I actually have no idea and was hoping it would just sort of come to me (just like at my 6^th form graduation…). I could always have listed everyone present in order of preference, that would have passed a few minutes…

The rest of the day went really well everyone got on really well (except for one old drunk guy who no-one really knew or liked). Everyone came back to ours the Saturday evening and Sunday to eat nibbles and exchange gifts. The selection of grub was rather odd (hence the journey-stilton) including whole squid and disgusting lumps of herring which Michael tricked me into eating in one. By Sunday evening I was completely exhausted, feeling pretty ill and burned raw from sitting in the garden. I spent today lying around moaning (infront of Superbad) and catching up on my exercises after a weekend of excess.

Now I just need to turn my attention to moving out of my flat, cancelling my bills, celebrating with work and trying not to be homeless for the last five days.

Oh and I earned £140! It’s a miracle!

Update:
I'm uploading this Tuesday actually as I pretty much was out cold within minutes of getting in yesterday (after having the populations of all the major cities detailed by my bizarre taxi driver).
I'm acheing like mad today, both my head which is severely and my back and arms. The latter is due to the fact that I worked out I did 170 pull ups on the Sunday. For some reason it didn't hurt at the time. Now it really really does.

I'm also a bit stressed. Not about the bills I have to pay to sort out and the packing I have to do as you might think; but because I read in Secret Invasion that Iron Man might be a Skrull (an alien who takes on the guise of famous superheroes to manipulate events in the Marvel Universe). In the last issue SpiderWoman (who is a Skrull) told him he was a skrull who believed he was a human and that that was why he fought for the Superhero registration act. I've literally lost sleep over it.
I'm really hoping that next issue he just goes 'Nope, I'm not. Knew you were a skrull. Knew everyone was and there's a bomb in you so shut up.' Then she blows up and he just laughs and laughs. Iron Man always knows what to do.

Penniless and soon to be homeless... but with a new Xbox game!

2008-06-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

It’s been a fairly quiet couple of days for me recently. Other than a trip to my Aunt’s on Tuesday I’ve just been working and chilling out (although not cancelling bills or packing like I’m supposed to be). Obviously I’ve been playing allot of Xbox and enjoyed a three way death match on Halo 3 with guys from work (how good is it to socialise without having to get up and put clothes on! (very)). Although I never won, I didn’t always come last. I consider that a victory. I fought with honour thus earning at least the moral victory and in many ways that is more important...

I'm the one in green. Witness the honour.

Visiting Aunty Sue was very pleasant. It’s always nice to eat real food and not be surrounded by grime and insects (which is the case in my flat). She’s very easy to chat to aswell and I learned some interesting things about my family. Firstly that my great uncle went missing during WW2 and was never accounted for - did not know that! And secondly that ‘Sinicki’ might originally come from Ireland. I have always liked leprechaun...

Oakley, my Aunt's cat. We get on pretty well but he's a bit of a fighter and regularly beats the crap out of my hands. He looks at you like that all the time; he's thinking of all they ways he could kill you.

Also I used to tell my sister that her name was Sinicköwna really - as that’s how you often change surnames for unmarried women - but it turns out that Sinicki is an exception and can’t be converted that way. Her name is actually Sinicka, which is just the femenine version. So interestingly my sister actually didn’t know her own name for the last three years. Her response to this news was ‘It doesn’t matter, when do you ever need to know?’.Which is pretty retarded (this comes from the same genius mind that cooked up ‘don’t moles live forever?’).

It was particularly nice to be out of my flat as I’ve been having yet more difficulties with it the last couple of days. For one I overheard two guys from the building fighting on the stairs the other night. They were going ‘Did you threaten me?’ and ‘No you’ve got it all wrong!!’ and ‘If I was threatening you you’d know about it mate’ and ‘come here and say that!’. All right outside my door which is just typical. I had a mind to go out and ask them to quieten it down. There’s no reason they can’t threaten each other quietly... it’s just inconsiderate.
The other trouble was when my letting agent left me a message at work saying ‘we’re letting someone into your building to look around in 20 minutes, phone back if you’ve got a problem with that’. Actually worded in that manner and all. I obviously did have a problem and went into the corridoor to ring back and give them a piece of my mind. ‘Irene’ aka ‘bitch-face’ then told me there was nothing I could do about it. I instructed her that there was and that it was against the law and went on to spout some blue language (aqua! navy! cyan!). She put me through the manager who managed to calm me down. He said it so nicely that I felt bad and let them go in. I hate that about myself. All it takes is a ‘please and I’m sorry’ for me to let people off. A mugger could say ‘sorry mate but I really need this cash I don’t suppose you could throw me a bone’ and I’d probably go ‘oooh alright then... now run along you cheaky little scamp!’
I did though ask him to reconsider why he is employing such a rude, condescending and unhelpful member of staff though and I’m going to mention her personally in my leaving letter (something along the lines of ‘I demand you fire her!’).
I’ve also decided not to pay them even the £90 difference now. They’re so unproffessional that I’m hardly worried they’ll involve the law. They’ve broken that enough times already.
I am however a pussy and am a bit worried about living in my flat for five days (the time between my rent being due and when I’m leaving) with them hounding me for cash. For this reason I am currently considering loading up my car and spending my last five days parking up places and sleeping in it. Like a gypsy. Ironic really.

Damn you Irene...

My other activities have involved sneazing on the back of a man’s neck on the bus and standing underneath a tramp’s unbrealla while on the phone not thinking about what I was doing.

This weekend I’m travelling down to Bournemouth for two nights to attend my Mum’s 50th birthday party which is also my grandparents’ 80th. They’ve totally overshadowed my 21st. No one seems to care about that...
I’ve been rushing around lately to try and buy my Mum her presents as my sister has turned out to be completely useless (there’s a suprise). This lunch time I’m going to try and buy a spa day from Argos. I was going to get some professional photos with Stinky and Maddy and Ellie but apparently that was a ‘horrible idea’. My Mum is ever the tactful one (she used to throw away the plastic flowers I bought her on Mothers’ Day without even displaying them!).
It’s particularly tricky due to my dire money situation. I have exactly £70 to last me until the 23rd (when I get me last expenses from work) of June and no idea what bills I have yet to pay this month. And that £70 has to pay for Mum’s present as well! For Christmas I ended up giving her the diary/planner I got free at work because I’d run out of cash too. It went down like a sack of shit.
Despite this I still decided that I ‘deserved’ a new Xbox game and bought Bioshock. Today I’m getting two comics. I have no self-control and I think I need professional help. I really don’t want to have to start wiping my arse on A4 paper again...

On the train down I’m going to put Money Making Scheme 3.7 into action and complete my e-book. I’m already 40,000 words in and allot of the stuff I’ve researched has proved very useful. My bodyfat is at an all-time low and I’ve got loads of cool new skills including the ability to memorise massive lists and limbo lower than Neo.

Neo learned to do this after he read my e-book!

That’s really useful honest and these are just some of things the book will be able to teach you! I’m considering giving £1 to charity (dogs) for each book sold to guilt people into buying them. For each copy you don’t buy a baby puppy will die!

So I won’t be updating the blog until Monday probably when I should have much family and trains related fun to report.
The party should be pretty good (if perhaps a bit hectic) and it’ll be nice to see all the family. Some will be coming all the way from Germany and many I won’t have seen since I was ten.

I’m hoping someone will give me some money.

Donkeys

2008-06-01T06:37:00.000-07:00

As my time in Leeds draws ever closer to an end I've been thinking about some of the things I'm going to miss about this place (the sandwich shop) as well as the things I won't (the gypsies). One thing that I'm not sure about however is the pantheon of insanity that are the city streets; having never lived in a big city before it's a new feeling for me to have so much to look at and avoid so many different freak shows. That is unless you count Guildford as a city; technically it is but as anyone who's been there knows the Mushroom Kingdom is a more legitimate city. All they have in Guildford is the bearded lady.

Leeds is a different story however. Only today there was a man tied in chains at the top of a ladder trying to escape without falling off. He was completely crap and it didn't even look hard. All he had to do was pick the locks with the hairpin that a girl in the audience gave him. Sure I can't do that, but there are allot of things I can't do - that doesn't necesarily make it amazing. He wasn't even on the very top of the ladder. I waited there for nearly half an hour, I'm not sure why. I think it's because I've never seen a man die and thought it would be quite cool. If I'd have left only to read in the Metro that he'd fallen and died I'd have been well gutted. Instead it turned out to be the biggest anticlimax since Indiana Jones 4 (that's what she said).

It was particularly dissapointing considering the other entertainment on offer - especially the stellar 'singing dog'. He sits next to his tramp owner who plays the guitar then barks or whines at appropriate moments in the song. For example the tramp my sing 'how much is that doggy in the window?' only for the dog to go 'woof woof, woof woof'. Truly breathtaking. He should be on Britain's Got Talent (the dog I mean). Actually he shouldn't, the results of that were a complete farce (I can't believe that stupid little prick won!)
I passed this guy for ages without realising; thinking he was just a tramp who had a dog for sympathy like so many others. More fool me. I actually had an idea for tramps though - instead of having a dog for sympathy... have a baby! The passers-by will see this little starving child and they'd have to be monsters to just walk on by. I'm sure they can buy them on the black market, or maybe steel one. It seems mean yes, but remember I am a baby-hater.

Less enjoyable is the guy who stands on the end of Park Rowe (the road on which I work). He has weird dreadlocks (despite being white) and sells the Big Issue. Unlike other Big Issue sellers however he has an interesting marketing scheme where he just waves at everyone who walks past shouting 'Good morning! How are you?' which would normally be the sort of thing I love. Only he looks creapy, and he is; he's not actually doing this because he's a lovely man - he's doing it because he's crazy. You see as well as shouting good morning he also reels off tonnes of crap out of the paper he's selling, and that's whether or not there's anyone there to listen. If you walk past him while he's doing this and make the mistake of establishing eye contact he will stare right at you and walk forwards nodding and saying something about the rugby or 'I told them! I told them!'. It haunts my nightmares. I miss Bournemouth's tramp Gordon, he's far more reserved.

So there are some of the weird characters from the streets of Leeds, but there's always something new going on such as the Scientology tent I encountered last month. I'm torn as to whether I'm going to miss that sort of thing.

This weekend though has been lovely, and nicely demonstrates the sort of thing I will miss - sitting on my arse all the live long day and playing lots of Xbox. Simon came round on Friday and we had a go at Guitar Hero and completed it in one sitting (standing?). My eyes didn't start bleeding either which is always a good thing.I was pleasantly surprised by the game actually. The minute you put that guitar over your shoulder you suddenly feel like you've transformed into a rock legend. I have a strange tendency to dance around the flat while I'm playing it. Even when I'm not playing I enjoy walking around wearing it and drinking beer to pretend I'm on tour.
I also did an amazing thing when I met Si. We arranged to meet in Headingley to get a Subway first (and some batteries which didn't work... and he didn't keep the receipt). He sent me a message to say he'd arrived and so I sent one back saying 'look round the corner..... now!'. And I timed it perfectly - just as he looked up I'd appeared. It was amazing. I think you had to be there...

Now I'm sitting alone on a Sunday. Watching Top Gear, writing my blog and burning my tongue on a mug of weird oaty-drink that's my current caffeine substitute. Exactly what I love to do (apart from the oaty drink and the tongue burning). I feel so chilled and relaxed and it just doesn't work when you live with other people. Even the gypsies are respecting my right to a peaceful Sunday.

I really should be sorted out cancelling my bills ready for when I move out. But I can't be arsed. It's under four weeks! I feel a very strange mixture of emotions right now... this weird adventure is nearly at an end. Still, I'm sure more will follow next year. And I'm pretty certain it's all going to start with Bulgaria!

By the way, here's a little something from my up-coming e-book. It's a kind of physical/mental improvement thing and a fun experiment too:

Lazer Night Vision
Okay, that title is slightly misleading as the technique doesn't actually involve any lazers... I just really wanted it to. What it will afford you, is the ability to instantly see in the dark. The downside is that you also have to permanently wear an eye patch... that's not a problem is it?
This is actually the reason that some pirates wore eyepatches so they could immediately see when heading below deck. First they'd shut themselves somewhere dark with only a minimal amount of light. They'd stay there until their eyes adapted to the low light (this usually takes about 20 minutes and works by recruiting the more numerous photoreceptors known as 'rods' which are more sensitive to light (although they can't see colour) than the 'cones' we use by day) then they'd put on there eye patch and head outside. While their visible eye would lose its sensitivity when they were exposed to light, their covered eye would retain its night vision.
Obviously this won't be particularly useful unless you are some kind of ninja or spy. But you never know. An interesting side effect is that when you return to the dark and open both eyes, the untrained eye will now feel as though it's closed/missing. Try it yourself!

24-Hour Party Gypsies

2008-05-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

I arrived home on Wednesday I think it was to find a trail of destruction leading up to my flat. Like Inspector Boid from Waking the Dead I decided to try and piece together what had happened by examining the scene. It seems as though someone first bashed open the door to the block of flats, then stole the fire extinguisher off the wall and ran up stairs smashing the doorbells off every door. These broken remains then seem to have been placed in a nice pile at the top of the stairs (fortunately I don't have one). They then apparently went mental on the wall opposite mine creating a small concave crater and covering the floor in plaster. They then placed the fire extinguisher directly outside my door and left. I hate this place...
I think I heard gypsy-neighbour's girlfriend go down to sort some guys out that evening and I suspect they could have been the vandals. I was thinking of assisting as a) that's just what decent people do, and b) I'd been rewatching The Punisher, but then I realised that I couldn't be bothered and also if she died it would probably mean the gypsy would go quiet for a while as he grieved... no such luck.

Today was interesting too as it was the mother of all gypsy parties next door as my neighbour turned 28. I was invited too which was nice as it meant I knew not to be in. Instead I went to see Indiana Jones 4 so that they wouldn't rope me in again.

It was fairly enjoyable, but mostly because it was an Indiana Jones film (I love Indy, I have a hat like his and one night when a mate and I were trying to spend 24 hours in a tree some guys I met nicknamed me 'Indiana Adam'. That so fits me). If it was another protagonist I probably wouldn't have been buzzing in quite the same way due to the over-the-top CGI and really far fetched plot (this is coming from the guy who suspects there's an element of truth to Transformers).

When I arrived back though the party was sill raging unfortunately. They were all out on the balcony too despite the rain so I had no safe way to approach the building without being spotted. Nathan's words rang in my ears though - 'what would Jackie Chan do?'. So I went Sam Fisher on their arses.
Basically I took a detour round to the alley way down the side of the premises. From here, lurking in the shadows and the rain I could see the pumes of smoke rising to betray their position. When the smoke stopped I clambered up the wall - no mean feat as it was not only covered in barbed wire but I was also carrying a large plastic guitar (Matt from work is lending me Guitar Hero for the Xbox 360). From this position I saw them turn their back and so I seized the day and went over and in. I was like a ninja. Although a very wet and annoyed ninja as I'd been waiting for the opportune moment for about 20 minutes. I then had to pass each floor as I made my way to the top of the building and silently opened the door while holding my breath.
I realised there was an inherent risk in this tactic as if I was seen it would become obvious that I was trying to avoid them - and going to extreme measures at that. I'd probably have to lie and say I was being chased, and then that in turn would probably lead to even more weirdness... Fortunately it paid off.
I haven't let my guard down though and I've been silently moving round my flat since then.
I've had to commando crawl round my own kitchen as the window can be seen from the building oposite and a guy lives there who was at the last party (the one who told me to get him fags). Later I closed the blind. Perhaps I'm not crediting them with enough intelligence... they may be gypsies but they are probably still aware that blinds can't close themselves (and I keep forgetting anyway they aren't actually gypsies per se).

So what else have I been doing lately? Well the sites are going nicely, I keep geting e-mails from people who want to trade links or put my articles on the site which is a great ego-trip. This will nicely coincide with the launch of my e-book which hopefully will get me some moolah.
I'm currently living on very little at the moment since changing my cash into Levvies ready for Bulgaria which I did today. That's cool as it makes the holiday seem more real and I get more and more excited by the day. It was kind of nerve wracking though walking around town with nearly £1,000 in cash. I felt like a gangster or something. Then I had to turn a tramp down by saying I didn't have any money when I'm pretty sure he saw me stuffing my wad of fifties into the envelope. That's just taking the piss...

The bodybuilding is going well too, despite limited gym access and lack of supplements. I've decided to take the opportunity to cut down and while I miss the slightly bigger arms I'm also enjoying my best looking mid-section yet. It's swings and roundabouts and I can never decide which I like more. I change shape more regularly than Geri Halliwell.

And what of my week without caffeine? Well actually that seems to have become nearly two weeks without and with no clear end in sight. I've finished the test now so I can drink as much as I want but I've found I quite like feeling a bit more fresh and a bit less jittery. You know how you drink alcohol to loosen up and be more sociable? Well if you're really hooked on coffee I find it's kind of the opposite of that... I'm a lot more relaxed now and my body clock is no longer that of an owl. The article with the full report will be up soon.

The only other thing I've done is play Xbox. Si came round with Rainbow six and Call of Duty 4 (un.be.li.ev.ab.le) yesterday and after playing for a few consecutive hours my eye went weird and blood shot and that night I wiped it and got blood on my hand. That was pretty disgusting and just weird... the next day it was gone too. I think it's safe to say that it's time to turn off the xbox when your eyes start bleeding...

The Baby Hater

2008-05-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

No caffeine day 6:
Day six of my no-caffeine challenge and I actually feel pretty good for it. I feel loathe to admit it, but I seem to have more energy and my body clock is now almost like that of a normal human. I'm pretty sure I sleep better (and I've been having some bizarre dreams - Saturday night I joined the 'Labrador resistance movement' (I was the only non-dog member)) and I feel more awake as a result. I feel less of a jittery wreck and have been relaxing more too.
Saying that I did still lie-in until 2pm on Sunday, but Si had been round the night before and didn't leave until 4am which is late even for me. Without my usual caffeine boost I was nearly comatose by the time he left.
I've possibly been less productive overall, but that's a good thing in a way as I was beginning to tire myself out. Infact I'm so pleased with the results that I'm strongly considering staying this way and being a permanently decaf guy.

I haven't really used my new energy that productively though. I had planned to finish my e-book but that didn't really work out. Instead I completed Sonic the Hedgehog (only Sonic's story though), played five hours of Rainbow 6 which Si brought round on Saturday and watched The Punisher... twice.
The Punisher is a completely underrated film. I was reading reviews on rotten tomatoes and one of the bad ones was summarized thus:

A sadistic action movie in which the body count is exceeded only by the number of times the hero bares his chest.

I was like exactly - it's an excellent film.

I at least managed to avoid being pestered by the neighbours though and I think I'm in the clear there. They were partying hard on Friday; music was booming from literally 7pm to 10am when I woke up (that's right - I woke up at 10am!), and again today so loud downstairs that my floor was vibrating. But fortunately there were no knocks on my door so hopefully I'm off their guest list after my bizarre appearance in my dressing gown last time. On Thursday the main guy is having a birthday party that he hopes will last all week so I've been working away to try and fill that week with social activities (no mean feat for me) to keep myself out of the flat. Thursday night is Fab Cafe and Indiana Jones night! Yes!
I like to think I'm a bit like Frank Castle (AKA The Punisher) in that sense. In the film the guys in his building are all like suspicious of this mysterious figure in their building and keep trying to reach out to him. Maybe the gypsies see me like that? I'm this mysterious guy who shuts himself away and shuns social contact. I have a knife like his too... and I look exactly like him. On Monday I'm buying some black T-shirts.

One useful thing I did do was to cancel the direct debit for my flat. The brilliant thing is that no-one will know until the 20th (when it will bounce (which they will think is just normal what with it being me)) and I'll be gone five days later! I'm going to post an envelope as I leave telling them to keep the deposit and with the £90 difference enclosed. This way I will technically have paid but they won't be able to keep a penny of my deposit and I'll explain in the letter that frankly they don't deserve it and can't be trusted.
In my last letter I explained to them that they 'would do well to heed my advice' or something along those lines. It was well cool; I was like a gangster. In the next one my opening line will be 'I wish you had taken my advice...'. Then when they ring me to complain I'll talk to them for ages before saying 'by the way, I'm in Bulgaria! This phone call's costing you £1 a minute!'. Bwahahaha!

I had a nice day today aswell - actually venturing outside to socialise and all. The occasion was Michael and Lisa coming to visit (Michael is my cousin), and we went to Nandos with Aunty Sue and Lisa's family too. I've met her family before and they're all really nice (her Dad looks like Phil Collins) but they also had a new nephew in tow who I hadn't seen due to him not being alive until recently.
This lead to me coming under fire though for having created a Facebook group named 'I Hate Babies' which Lisa had kindly told everyone before I arrived. I therefore earned the title 'baby hater', which makes you feel a liiittle bit mean when there's one sat smiling at you. Although actually he didn't really smile at me, he smiled at everyone else and kind of grimaced at me...

I did like Austin though and to be honest I don't really hate babies whatever my facebook group might say (yes, even though it says 'they sit there all noisy and crap not doing anything yet everyone loves them!' and 'Sometimes I can't sleep I hate them so much...').
The group was one of those things that seemed funny at the time when I was joking around with my sister, but it was one of those jokes that should probably not have been shared with the world. In contrast to the popular 'Man Points' group which has somewhere over 3,000 members to date, 'I Hate Babies' has a measly 14 - and has actually generated some hate mail. One girl who I invited wrote to me saying 'That was pretty insensitive - inviting me to that group when I actually have a baby'. This I found ridiculous. To start with I didn't recognise her anyway so how was I supposed to know she had a baby (she seems about the least likely person on my list to find a guy to have one with too - and that's including Goof), secondly I blatantly just added a bunch of random people from my friends list, and thirdly obviously I don't really hate babies enough to make a serious protest group! Who would do that? That's the whole point! I wrote back pointing out that if she had one she should know how hateable they can be. I should have said 'it's stupid comments like that that have got you knocked up and single!'. Actually no that would be a bit unnecessary...
Austin was a particularly likeable guy as well (even if he did seem to hate me) and was awesomely powerful for his size managing to move a big wooden table by kicking it!
Saying that dogs are still better than babies. And robots.

My dog Elo - better than a baby and all living things for that matter.

The afternoon was very nice anyway and I greatly enjoyed my chicken. It came at a good time too as I'd just run out of food and so had resorted to mixing mince, onion, garlic, whisky and mayonaise on Saturday. Although having said that I put the concoction in some wraps and created some amazing kebab-type things...
Us guys then went to Costa while the girls shopped (with Austin Lisa said we looked like three gay Dads... not a good look) and then we all went to Costa again when they'd finished shopping. I had decaf capacinos, which seems almost pointless but tasted quite nice all the same. All in all it was really nice to socialise with family and it's got me looking forward to my Mum's 50th party in June.

Now I'm watching After People on TV. It's eye opening. I'm also looking forward to tomorrow which will be the best day that's ever happened - the day that has a double bill of brand new Smallville. It makes me wee a little bit. Okay allot.

And just when life seemed like it couldn't get any better - I've learned I can make farting noises with my eyelids.

The light at the end of the tunnel

2008-05-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

No caffeine day 3:
Or middle actually. It's more the middle of the tunnel seeing as it's only the third day. It's light though as I haven't had a headache today, and have actually been feeling quite healthy. Except randomly I've been feeling crippling pain in my bad wrist/hand (and also my back actually), but I don't think those are related.
Part of the solution I found was milkshake. I've always loved milkshake, and its actually even more soothing than tea during my Adam time. The other thing that helped was to look at it as a challenge. Even if I'm not sure about the reasons I'm doing this, it's still an opportunity to test my will. My iron will. Just like the gym. I've made it through the rain - just like Barry Manilow.
I'm still planning on going back to drinking tea and coffee after the experiment but maybe I'll drink a bit less if it means I'll always have this extra energy.

Plus I haven't had to deal with my neighbour today. I managed to get my door without being spotted by running along next to a car coming up the drive while squating, then edging along the wall out of their line of site from the balcony. It's not really perfect, but so long as there's always a handy car I shouldn't have a problem (although randomly I have his Pink Floyed CD which I have to give back at some point. I told him I didn't want it too as I already have one of their greatest hits, but unfortunately the language barrier again lead to missunderstanding and I ended up with it thrust in my hand).

Money problems have dissapeared too since I decided to cancel the direct debit for my flat. They won't find out until the 21st of June and I'll be gone on the 25th! Gone and fled to Bulgaria!

And someone posted my Man Grades quiz on their forum. My viral marketing is working! I earned nearly a dollar from that little snippet of success too. I've been spying on what they've been saying about it:

Saint Jimmy: That test sucks. Every question was, "Have you had sex with Hilary Duff?"
Firestar: One is not all, my friend.

Yeah Jimmy! One is not even close to all! I doubt he's even a saint... he failed as a man according to my quiz anyway so shows what he knows.

I have no idea how I'm going to turn this into a no caffeine article as I orriginally planned too. It'll be a weird one even by my standards...

By the way this is a special post - it's the 69th one! And 69 is officially the funniest number.

My weird neighbours

2008-05-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

No Caffeine Day 2
So today was the second day of my caffeine fasting and it's again been a struggle. I did find it marginally easier to get out of bed this morning but that could just be down to the fact that I went to sleep an hour earlier - because of the headache I was suffering due to lack of caffeine!
It reached its worst point at work when at 12 it became almost unbearable (not helped by Rachel taunting me). At lunch time I just ambled around then sat on a step with my head in my hands like a tramp. I wanted to cry...
Fortunately for some reason it actually improved by about 2 but then my day just got really weird and stressful and tested my vigil to the full. All I wanted was to go home and sleep, maybe vomit a bit, but sadly that was not to be...

As I walked up my drive you see I was waved at by my gypsy-ish neighbour from across the hall (he's the one who once shot up a house). He shouted from his balcony that they were having a party upstairs and I had to come. I shouted back that I was going out in a hour (a lie) but they didn't understand me due to them being Northern (and also because I don't speak very clearly always (especially when I am talking to gun-totting gypsies)).
When I arrived to my room his door was open and music was blaring and about five people all convinced me I had to come in. The thing was if I lied and said I was going out like I'd tried they'd know because they can see my car and my door and they can hear me.
So I grabbed a beer and went inside. They were all doing various drugs and they looked... terrifying... but I thought I was going a fair job of mingling. My neighbour at one point proudly showed me his potted plants on the balcony too.
At around that point though a girl shouted at me from the kitchen saying 'come in here and I'll give you a blow job', which was... weird and disturbing really. I'd heard her saying I was fit to her friend which was very nice and she was actually quite hot but the problem was she was a drugged up gypsy. Often a turn off for me (randomly that's not the first time I've been propositioned by a gypsy either). Maybe it's still a compliment?? Just a bit of a weird one...
It wasn't like she said it quietly either, she just shouted it infront of everyone putting me somewhat on the spot and feeling confused and mildly upset. I wasn't sure how to turn her down politely but she didn't seem to think of it as a big deal so I just sort of grinned how I do, shook my head and said thanks, then focussed my attention on the conversation I was having and hoped she'd gone away. I quietly promised myself never to attend a gypsy party again (not a promise most people even need to make).
I also early on won a random arm-wrestling match which seemed to come out of no-where. I guess winning might have bought me some respect but I also didn't want anyone to think I was challenging their dominance. I've talked about the trials you face being a bit strong in a recent article: Pros and Cons of Training.
At this point they began to worry that two of the guests had stollen a sack of stuff from the room downstairs and I secretly began to worry about my own unlocked door. I was also thinking - why invite people to your house if you think they might steal your things??

The next guy I spoke to was fresh out of a Scorcese movie. He was telling me how he used to transport drugs, then later how he had bought his own farm (drug farm) for £50,000. His actual words were: 'I don't know you from Adam (to which I had to make a stupid joke), but I bought a farm to grow drugs for £50,000'. My response to this? 'Crikey'. I could have at least sworn a bit, it's not as though my posh sounding southern accent didn't make me stand out enough as it was without saying 'crikey'...
Unfortunately his farm was somehow robbed (I'm not sure how someone can rob an entire drugs farm but I didn't want to push the issue) and he lost all his cash. He then apparently hounded the guy so much that he committed suicide. I couldn't tell if this was a good thing or a bad thing in his eyes so I did a half smile to try and look neutral. At one point he said he had his 5 year old son bagging up drugs for him (he's just divorced for the third time).

Apparently though he would never touch Heroine. What a stand up guy...

Basically he told me his entire life story for about 30 minutes. Then forgot the conversasion we'd just had and told it a second time. I couldn't really relate and didn't think my story of how Gaba once made me a little drowsy would really cut the mustard. Fotunately this was a conversasion that didn't really require me to talk.
During this time though our host (whose name I still actually don't know) had left, as had most other people. There were only a few people in the kitchen and bald angry looking man staring at us.
'Go to the shop and get me a fag Glen', he asked (told?) my new drug trafficking friend.
'I can't mate I'm too wrecked to walk' he answered honestly. Then the guy looked at me.
'You mate?' he asked. I wasn't really sure what to say at this point. He looked like he'd love an excuse for a fight and I didn't have an excuse. My actual answer would have been 'Um no sorry mate, it's just that that's not something you actually ask people you've just met - or anyone for that matter - so can't.' What I actually said was 'naaaah', which luckily seemed to wash.

At that point I decided to sneak out as neighbour-man had left. Fortunately the alcohol and the weirdness had distracted me from my caffeine headache so I began working out. Only for my buzzer to start going off ten seconds later. I nearly had a panic attack.
I then decided the best course of action was to turn on the shower so it would sound like I had a good excuse to not answer the door. I was basically hiding out, in my own flat. It was a low moment.
Then there was a knock at the door and I had to answer. Basically it was neighbour-man appologising for wandering off and inviting me back round. I explained I was working out and eating so he invited me to come round after that. I tried to explain I couldn't but he couldn't understand me again so it was left that I was coming round in a bit and bringing my Xbox and Sonic (I guess I'm not a great communicator).

The next hour was spent working out and feeling shitty and nervous. I now felt more and more that I needed a cup of tea to calm my nerves and sober up, but even that was denied to me. Goof suggested I sniffed a tea bag so I did. That was a low-point. Next door they were snorting coke and here I was sniffing a tea bag - we're a world apart.
At this point I'd have considered taking up smoking to replace the caffeine but had to make do with hitting the weights and chewing my fingers to the bone. Now that I've become a 'part of their gang' (their words) I may never be free. I just wanted to relax, to watch Scrubs on my laptop and play Sonic on my own. I'm so glad I didn't go in for that beer on the first day when I was invited.
I considered not showing up at all, but decided that that would be rude and I didn't want to upset these people - I'd have to turn up only to explain I wasn't coming after all.
My excuse was that I had work the next day and that my Mum had rung so I'd not had time to eat or wash. I decided to go in my dressing gown so they didn't try to get me to stay.

They were all watching football when I arrived in the room in my dressing gown (which in retrospect was a rather weird choice (it showed in their eyes)) and explained I wasn't coming. They kicked up opposition but luckily Neighbour-man's girlfriend backed me up. She'd earlier said not to come round too often as they'd 'get me in trouble' so I think she was an ally.
She backed me up by saying 'he has work tomorrow remember!!'
'Right,' I agreed, 'sorry, work'
'and he's been on the phone...'
'yeah... the phone...' yeah right - the phone that means I can't stay up past ten. Too bad my ally was essentially an idiot (and her sister a bit of slag (in the nicest possible way)).
Neighbourman didn't seem to mind and I explained to him that I always go to bed at 10 (so that hopefully he'll never invite me round again). He then gave me hug. Despite him being very strange, he is still a sound guy. He told me that if I ever heard his music booming I should just let myself in. I'm hopefully taking this to mean that I won't receive any specific invitations. Dear God I hope that's what it means...

Now I've been creaping round my flat so they don't hear me and realise I lied. I'm watching Scrubs on my laptop with headphones plugged in but it's hard to stifle my chuckling - I've just snotted all over the keyboard.

Anyway having survived today I guess I can survive anything without caffeine. I'm hoping that tomorrow my headache will finally have gone. And that I won't be invited over again (they drink in the flat every day as none of them have jobs).
I'll let you know!

To be continued...

Somebody kill me

2008-05-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

No Caffeine Day 1
It's day one of my week without caffeine and I already want to die. It started badly when I arrived at work and a colleague had already made me a coffee. I had to actually poor it away, which was painful but also like a symbolic commital to my fast.
People didn't like it either. I'm known as one of the guys who always has a hot drink. When I refuse they just look at me like 'you've changed...' Drinking tea and coffee is a social thing aswell, you don't notice that until it's gone.
By 12 I already had a headache, which is terrible. Normally I'd be on my 3rd drink by then. I was all stressed out too about my MOT which was booked for 5pm. I'd have given anything for some caffeine... injected straight into my eyeballs preferably.
So at lunch I decided to buy some decaff coffee. It's better than nothing as I enjoy just the calming effect of any hot beverage, but it still tastes like dirt in mug of water. Mmmm dirt... It's like a mockery - sacrilege - against real coffee. And it's expensive.
I prefer tea anyway, and I don't think you can get de-caf tea can you? And green tea is just like putting a leaf in your drink - pointless.

Look at the glorious bubbles

I left early to go for my MOT but got to my flat with an hour to spare. It was one of those annoying amounts of time that's just too long to sit staring but too short to be worth doing anything. What would you normally do under those circumstances? Drink tea. What did I do? Played with face paint, and severely missed my tea.
Again an opportunity presented itself at Kwik Fit. I had no where to go so I had to sit in reception while the mechanic looked it over with the receptionist eyeballing me and making strength whistling noises when he breathed. Sipping from something eases awkward silences and I was worried about the Admobile which was making some rather unusual noises itself. The coffee vending machine looked more and more inviting; I was like Jesus in the desert and the vending machine was like the snake. If anything what I was doing was trickier.
I managed to distract myself from temptation with some of the excelent reading material on offer. Pregnant and Birth wouldn't have been my first choice, but now I'm fully prepared for the experience. I later moved onto Shout and played spot the difference with two pictures of Jordan and Peter at the back. A new low.

By some miracle my car passed so that was at least some relief (especially as there was no money in my account to pay them for repairs).
I came back and worked out but felt sluggish like I was working out in quick sand and my headache was really preventing me from enjoying it. I could take a paracetamol but it seems pointless to quit one habbit only to start another one (besides pain killers are for pussies!).
I am a bit annoyed though as I also accidentally left the decaff at work so I have nothing to drink while enjoying Waking the Dead. The headache isn't conducive to enjoyment either really. It's a sad episode.

At the moment it's been horrible, but allegedly I should sleep much better and feel 'energised' in the morning (that would be a first). I better be the Energizer Bunny for this to have been worth it (randomly that was an old nickname of mine so that might be more possible than you'd think).

To be continued...

Sonic has eaten my life

2008-05-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

Today I played Sonic, yesterday I played Sonic, the day before yesterday I played Halo 3 with Si round and the day before that I played Sonic. That's my life now, with intermitent short breaks for work, food and occasionally the toilet (I'm hoping to have something built into the sofa somehow). And at work I might not actually be playing, but in my mind I am reliving my great moments and boring colleagues with stories of how I hit a banshee (plane) with a mongoose (buggy car thing) by catapulting it mid air. Middle-aged women just don't seem to care about that stuff (it was amazing though - it was just like Die Hard 4 (except I died and he didn't and no one saw).

Then at lunch I run through the streets like Sonic, I recommend that in an article here, but what I don't mention is that you might run into people like I did this afternoon. A fat old man to be exact who bounced me off his belly (if it was a cartoon there would have been a 'booooing' sound effect) and when he scowled at me... I've never felt such hatred.

So that's why there hasn't been much activity on the blog or the website. It's bad news because I'm meant to be writing my e-book. This isn't the Death to the Traitor one, or The Pointless Life of Derek Stone, but Project Superman - more of the same kind of material that's available on the Biomatrix. I'm going to sell it for £5 and advertise it through Facebook with the aim of raising money for Bulgaria (without putting the final bullet in my saving fund). I reckon at £5 I have to succede! But also that I probably have to actually write the book...

So there's not much in the blog today, but I'm going to be better from tomorrow as I'm starting an interesting project: I'm going to go a week without any caffeine. A colleague at work's doing it and apparently sleeps much better and feels more alert. I could really do with being alert. Also I just thought it would make an interesting experiment (you get withdrawal symptoms) and an interesting article when it's all done.
So check back tomorrow for the first installment! Expect an irritable and crotchety post.

Oh and by the way I've finally updated Sheep of the Week on the right. At this rate it should be called 'Sheep of the everynow and then'. Which is a terrible shame as Sheep of the Week is one of the most important events on the internet I feel and one that should be taken with utmost seriousness.
At work I've managed to get a sheep into every issue of Writers' News for the past 6 months (Jonathan the editor helps me now too and he took care of this month for me (it's harder than you might think)) with one exception. By some miracle the one time I failed to get one in WN I somehow accidentally put one in Stamp and Coin Mart - not even realising that there was a tiny sheep on the corner of the Stamp I picked to review. And I don't even get to pick the stamps normally. It must be divine intervention (from the sheep gods) or I have them burned into my psychy. Which is weird...

Fun and games

2008-05-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

Yo all, I've just been to Fab Cafe for some pinball with the guys from work. I've had a couple of drinks, though not loads, so I appologise if this post makes even less sense than usual.

Anyway, I had a cool time thanks for asking. I think I'm finally starting to understand how you play a little bit so that's helping slightly with my performance. Although it still scares the shit out of me when you here the noise for extra balls. Actually though I did worse today than last time, until my very last go when I had an epic multi-ball. I've never felt so alive.

The colourful Fab Cafe and Lord of the Rings Pinball on another occasion

We then moved on to table football. I won one but failed terribly the second time. Next was a retro arcade game built into one of the tables where Nathan got the high score. He didn't write a rude name in though. As you can probably tell, Fab Cafe is amazing. On top of all those cool games it also has Transformers and Marvel merchandise and life-sized figures from films like Star Wars and King Kong. Transformers, retro games and Newcastle Brown all in one place - it's like dying and going to heaven. It's a weird expression that - it actually doesn't sound that pleasant. However nice heaven is I still don't want to die, especially if it's a drawn out illness or something... Fab Cafe is more like going to heaven without having to die first. And you pass Go and collect £200.

This has been like a whole week of games actually as on Monday I finally did it: I finally bought an Xbox 360. I also bought Halo 3 and Sonic the Hedgehog. Everyone said that Sonic was shit but it's kind of tradition for me to play Sonic on a new console and I love it. It's a special moment opening a new machine like that, one I haven't experienced in 5 years. I had to make everything perfect - I tidied the flat, did my chores and then made a cup of tea.

My hero...

Unfortunately when I turned it on I only had 5 minutes of Sonic before my controller stopped working. I decided it was the batteries and ran to the shop (fast because I was in Sonic mode) and bought some new ones. It still didn't work and it turned out I'd accidentally switched it off. This is one argument for reading instruction manuals.

Later I tried Halo 3 on Xbox live which is just weird. You have a headset and you can talk to people for free while you shoot them. In America! And Ireland! The future is here...
There are some really cool sides to that too. Because you're not actually in the room with the people and you don't know them it means you can experiment. For example you can just make noises and see how they react. These are things you can't test out in real life; like a social experiment. I have learned for example that people don't react well to you making strange ambulance noises - this has saved me from a potentially embarrasing real-life social situation.
Also, because you're shooting people at the same time it means you can live out your fantasies (my fantasies) of being an action hero and delivering one-liners while you blow people up. At least I will be able to once I actually stop getting blown up myself... (Janik hated playing co-op with me on Halo 2 because of my failed Rambo-esque tendencies and it seems it's no different here either). I've now actually spoken the line 'I don't take orders from anyone' before walking off into battle. Unfortunately I then snorted my tea, got shot and killed and then called a dick by my team mates.

There are potential bad sides to all this though. One is that I'm now being socialable in my own living room even. Is there no reprise? I don't know if you can appear offline or what but what if two lots of friends are online and they both invite me and I don't know who to choose? You see - the kind of awkward situation that I normally only encounter when I venture outside my flat.
The other problem is that I now spend even less time doing the things I'm supposed to. I actually went to work today wearing my 'posing briefs' (read speedos) under my trousers at work because all my proper underwear has become skanky.
I am also sitting in complete darkness because all of the bulbs in my flat have gone pop and I haven't gotten round to replacing them. I was living off two for months but this is ridiculous now. I just ate out of a dirty bowl I found on the side and kept finding crunchy bits floating in my soup. I told my Mum I'd booked my MOT but still haven't gotten around to actually doing it... not good.

So that's most of my news. The only other thing of interest really is that I have new hair. It's a short-back-and-sides ready for summer and it actually looks way better like this. It's a permament fixture now. This year I've had more looks than Michael Jackson but this is the one I'm settling on. I look like the sex.
Sadly it wasn't my usual hair dresser as she was on Holiday. I was bummed about that as I probably won't get to say goodbye and more importantly - she normally gives me beer. I was hurt though when I made the booking as she revealed that she didn't know my name... I held back the tears but... I thought we were friends... Ouch.

Sunshine... in Leeds!

2008-05-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

Good morning. Sort of. It' s 5pm, but I've only been awake 2 hours so it sort of is like morning for me. I'm just about to have breakfast. In a way I'm disgusted at myself, but on the other hand... I'll live with it.
I have done one useful thing today - I fixed my door. You used to have to lift it up to get it to close, but I tightened the hinges and now it's sorted. I didn't really care about the problem but I love fixing stuff like tools. Makes me feel like a man!

The rest of the week I've been enjoying the sunshine. Something I had suspected didn't exist in Leeds.
I love the sun; reading comics with a glass of apple juice on the balcony, having a shit naked with a beer... bliss. For me the summer also presents the opportunity to take off my top outside. I did it on the way home from work on Wednesday and it felt good. All my hard work on show for passers by who would stop and stare in admiration (actually I think the looks were them thinking 'arrogant twat', but whatever...). Then I can spot myself in shop windows and parked cars which always brings a smile to my face.
When I came to the bus I decided to brave it which perhaps was pushing things. I then sat near the front next to an empty space and wiggled my eyebrows at girls looking for a seat. Unfortunately a middle-aged woman plonked herself there instead. I've always thought that having my top off was my best shot at pulling, and it was squandered!
There's a problem with that though, because even if a girl did like man-boobs (and didn't find them 'disgusting' as has been suggested), they would still be aware that only a dick sits topless on a bus. Also even if she was fit, I still wouldn't be able to strike up a conversation without coming across as a weirdo.
Actually when she sneazed I realised I could have said 'bless you' if I was interested; which would have been a great opening line. My new plan then is to go around town sitting next to hot girls and waiting for one to sneaze...
Obviously I'm just being stupid anyway as I'm leaving this place in just over a month so there's little point in trying to pull... less point than usual even.
As I left the bus I felt the looks of hatred, not helped by the fact that I had begun to sweat profusely, but I was still enjoying myself. I felt cool and I was getting a tan at the same time - two birds with one stone. Suddenly though I was brought crashing back down to Earth when my shopping bag broke and 10 eggs fell out and rolled down the road...
I couldn't pick them up either as half of them were broken and leaking yolk. So there's now just a pile of eggs there. People will pass and think 'good lord... what happened here??'

Things got a bit too hot for comfort on Thursday though when I was cooking pie in the nude (because I can). I was taking the scalding tray out of the oven see when I walked into a wall and it got pressed against my abs. For a moment it even stuck.
Now I have an awesome line across my stomach. It's pretty cool actualy, I'm hoping it'll scar and I'll look a bit like Rambo. Weirdly it didn't hurt that much either for some reason. For a moment it stung (like hell fire) and was distracting me from Desperate Housewives, but then I put Germolene on it and it was instantly cooled. I have since been told that this was a very bad idea, but I don't care - if you ever get burned - stick some Germolene on it.

Now she is hot...

Plus weirdly, having a slight injury puts me in even more of a summery mood. I guess it's because as a kid the sun would mean I was outside either playing football (badly) or jumping off of things (badly). For this reason I was always cut to buggery throughout the summer. This burn reminds me of the old days.

To improve my current sunny disposition I have also had some cool news. Since getting my room allocation for next year I've discovered that I am next door to Nathan, which is about a 1 in 500 chance of happening, and in the building next to Janik, who wasn't even meant to be on campus making it about a 1 in 25,000 chance! I may even be able to see his room from my window, so I can start each day with a salute, or maybe a shared song like Joey on Friends. Like this infact:

Adam Magic strikes again! (It also happened in the street the other day, when I'd been singing this song all day and then a tramp started singing it!)

The other awesome news, perhaps even more awesome, is that I will be finally getting an Xbox 360 next week! I'm buying Jonathan's (my boss) see, for £120! And all that money is money I earned through my websites! A happy ending indeed. And all this cool news has left me sort of slightly sad that I'm leaving here so soon now.
It's not that I'm not looking forward to going back, I really am, and plus I'm going to be off to Bulgaria... It's just this place seems not so bad now there's some sun. And I've learned my way around, I have a little local curry house, a local sandwich shop, I like my job and I like living alone... to be honest I'm not sure how I'm going to readapt to living with other people. I think it's standard procedure to wear clothes in the kitchen. I've just got settled in and now it's time to go. It's always the way...

My feet are like an adventure

2008-05-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

I wanted to wait until I had some pics from the weekend to update but it seems I could be waiting on those a long time so I've decided to go ahead without. I might add them in later when they arrive on Facebook; they're quite cool.

Bob, Hannah and Carmen arrived at mine just as I finished writing the last post (by some miracle they arrived just as the new episode of Peep Show was finishing). They were very tired so we pretty much just chatted over some tea before going to bed.

Although they liked the flat, they weren't particularly impressed with my cleaning efforts the day before and so I exited the bathroom on Saturday morning to find them literally scrubbing the kitchen. Carmen had washed all the dishes and made Bob scrub up the hob. I think it was a mixture of charity, mild OCD and a disdain for the way my flat makes you feel unclean all over (unusual fora guy called 'Dirty Bob'!). I wasn't arguing - this is how guests should behave (not by getting After 8's stuck all over your bed clothes *ahem* Rich). They had also bought me a nice bottle of wine called 'naked grape', a box of cookies and a pack of DC Superheroes Top Trumps! Score! Weirdly there's no Batman...

Anyway, once we were all up (roughly 3pm) we went to the Co-op and bought some grub before driving off in the rough direction of the Peek District for a pleasant bbq. It was awesome weather and this was the first time I felt summery in Leeds. After this we played Bob's games which consisted of 'guess the animal' and hitting each other with short sticks. In a game of piggy back wars we accidentally bent Carmen's glasses out of shape.

Upon returning to my abode we ate a carbonara that tasted like it had been shat out by angels if I do say so myself (that's a good thing) and drank microwaved sake out of wine glasses, before heading off into town. Bob and I decided to wear matching shirts and we looked fabulous, even the bouncer commented.
I took them back to Fab Cafe which is now my favourite place in the world after my fridge. Here we played some table football and I kicked ass. We also visited Bar Me, which is disgusting and rough as anything, and Fibre, which was a new one for me.

Leaving the house again at about 3 on Sunday after some fried sausages from Bob (again, exemplary guest-ness; take note Goof, Rich and Si), we then went to Yo-Sushi in town. This was my first ever Sushi and hopefully my last. While the conveyor belts are quite cool they don't even begin to make up for the feeling that you should be eating what's going in your mouth. The worst bit of all was the avacado. God I hate avacado so much it makes me want to cut out my own eyes. Still it was a fun experience, except for me pissing off the waitress; she told me that the taps on the table weren't working so I took this as a go ahead to press them - as you do - only for them to spray out all over the cloth. She looked a bit pissed off so to smooth things over I said 'seem to be working just fine to me!' which went down like a sack of shit.

Eating seems to have been the main focus of the weekend (no wonder I enjoyed it so much) and after that we went pretty much directly to Headingley for a curry at my favourite local '7 Spices'. I had a Keema Massala and wished I had a Keema Koryami; although the massala was lovely. I felt well cool introducing people to a cool local curry house (where I get 25% off no less) and I felt like a grown up and a bit like James Bond (like in Dr No where he takes them all for a curry... hm) so I decided to show my class by getting them to try some Lassy because I knew about it and they didn't. Unfortunately they found it foul so I ended up drinking pretty much an entire jug and feeling pretty weird as a result.

After that we opted to stay in Sunday night and had a really nice time chatting and drinking/singing along to Oasis and Robby Williams (Barry Manilow was less popular). We also tried out the Top Trumps which went on for an uber amount of time much to the chagrin of those who went out early. I think that the appeal of Top Trumps is that whoever owns the pack of cards should win; that's a game I can get to like (although I didn't win as they were new). I was very impressed with their super-hero knowledge actually and Hannah managed to trounce us twice.

We then thought it would be a good idea to sleep four in the bed. In retrospect I'm not sure why that would ever be a good idea, although I had images of it being all cosy. It wasn't though and I had to get out after an hour or two because Bob was basically lying on me and I had crippled my kneck. I also got really hot and think I probably left an Adam-shaped sweat print behind me after.

And my feet came under fire yet again (Goof hates my feet). Bob described them as horrible and weird and advised me that when I pull I should keep my socks on (a piece of advice unlikely to be particularly useful any time soon). Hannah was more tactfull and said that they were 'like an adventure'. I can see why they might be seen as odd - the toes are strangely long (my standard toes out-stretching the big one), the bridge is weirdly high and they're hairy and a bit a yellow. Maybe I should just cut them off and be done with it. More popular however were my bed-time puppets Scruffy and Rap (and their latest companion Sputnik) who provided much mirth and enjoyment.

When they left on Monday it felt oddly quiet for a while, and I was all contemplative and stuff. Soon though I was back to normal after doing some press ups and getting on the Bio-Matrix. I've provided you with three new articles again by a range of collaborators:
The Fight to Get Fit by Si,
Action Hero Archetypes by your's truly, and
It's a Goal by Helen Clark.

See I have fun! And I'll always have my puppets. And my weird feet.

Over the weekend I also came to the realisation that begrudgingly I've begun to grow fond of Leeds. Ish. In a way.
It's just that in the sun it doesn't look quite so suicidally depressing, and now that I've learned my way around, possibly moreso than Guildford due to the solo living and I quite like knowing all the hotspots. Great timing this with under two months left!

On a less positive note I seem to have lost my second journal. This is crushing as it has nearly a year's worth of ideas, breakthroughs and doodles. Plus if someone were to find it they would think I was crazy seeing my scrawled notes, often in left hand, saying things like 'applications of slow moving light' and 'ways to cure blind people'. I must get it back!

I have lots of pubes

2008-05-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

Currently I'm waiting for Bob, Hannah and Carmen to arrive. Everything is all ready, I've tidied, exercised and shopped and I'm feeling very organised. I wasn't actually organised though, I'm only ready because they're over an hour late. I'd started my workout at 9.50 when they were supposed to be here at 10. That had a positive effect actually as I had the most intense 10 minutes of working out in the history of my life. I nearly had a hernia I think... which would have been awesome. See that's why I succeed in working out where others (Si) fail. When I only have 10 minutes and am expecting guests and am meant to shower I still work out. Yep, that's why I succeed at working out and fail at socialising...

I was so late working out because it took me longer than anticipated to tidy up. You see I vastly underestimated how much pubic hair I had and how much had found its way onto the floor and walls. It's weird actually, I could make a coat out of it. If I was that way inclined... it would be kind of disgusting...
The kitchen too had gotten to the stage where there wasn't one clean thing. The mugs were doubling up as bowls first, then the wine glasses, then the tupaware. It had gotten to the point where I was cracking eggs directly into my mouth after workouts. It's cool in principle except it kept getting on my chest and the floor and even in my hair (I crack them on my head...).

Finally I had to rub the mild racism, beastiality and profanity from my message board that had been left by guests (Rich, Si & Goof). One line now reads 'Tiller [blank] in the [blank] with Adam's help'.

But it's clean now! And I'm excitedly looking forward to a fun weekend of fun! Should be fun. Those in the know however will know that the real fun was yesterday. The most fun in my life was yesterday.
What was yesterday you ask? Only Iron Man! And I saw it the day it came out (actually technically it was the day before it came out what with being previews). It didn't even slightly dissapoint. It's the best film of 2008, the best super hero film, the best film... really do go and see it. When you're very excited you say you 'nearly pissed yourself'. In this case I was so excited I nearly pissed blood... out of my arse and face.

Today to celebrate I bought an Iron Man toy, despite hearing my Mum's voice in my head telling me 'you have no money... you're too old for toys... you're a geek'.

Come on... this is cool... right?
Plus he has built in features for his gay fans.

What does Mum know though? I totally bonded with hot girl who worked there. That goes against everything Mum believes. You see we got talking about Mike Oldfield and it just went from there. We properly bonded until I decided to quit while I was ahead, but I'm definitely doing my Thursday comic buying in there from now on. It's probably the best place for me to pull... the only place where my nerdy instincts won't be a turnoff... and infact would be a turn on. And I'd likely be one of the more masculine men in the room (I consider myself more the man-child breed of geek, they're mildly more likeable)...
It would be like Bizarro world.
You see that would actually be a good line in Forbidden Planet... Finally I've found where I belong.

I had to restrain myself though to stop making plastic Iron Man (Plastic Man...) fly by holding him by the window while I was on the bus.

Before going to the film Nathan, Jonathan and I went to 'Fab Cafe'. Remember what I just said about Forbidden Planet? Imagine Forbidden Planet except not a shop... but a bar! That's Fab Cafe! It has pinball machines, computer games hidden inside the tables, life size daleks and han solos and a display of film memorabilia and transformers toys. As you can imagine I was pretty chuffed there too and that's where I'll be dragging Bob et al tomorrow. At the time we spent most of the evening on the Lord of the Rings pinball machine. I don't really understand Pinball, or Lord of the Rings, but I think I did pretty well all the same.

The rest of my week I've been spending upsetting people on the internet. I seem to have a knack for that. In real life I get on with most people, but online I seem to provoke aggression. To be fair though, most people on the internet are twats.
One guy had the nerve to steal one of my articles and put it on his website! He then used one of those programs that automatically 'spins' your writing using a thesaurus and the final product didn't even make sense! What once said 'join the arms race' now said 'assemble the arms race'. His whole site was like that! Like a said, twat. I dealt with him though by blinding him with bullshit saying how it was my 'intellectual property' and I'd tell Google on him. Worked so hey...

Anyway they're here now, so I better go. See you soon!

Rats

2008-04-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back from Bournemouth again. I've written that a few times in this blog, it seems that despite my moaning about living alone in the cold and all that crap I actually go to Bournemouth all the time. I'm more tired than before I left though, what with the travelling and the party and the... rafting...

The journey down was knackering enough in itself. I'd managed to find a cheaper route that involved two changes so I took that one, only in retrospect it wouldn't have been worth it if it was free. The first train see stopped randomly on the track for half an hour which gave me 20 minutes to get from King's Cross to Waterloo on the London underground. This is perhaps possible except I had bags and a busted ankle, so after hurtling around the place like a madman and growing increasingly frustrated with the commuters (they are like rats) I reached the platform just in time to watch my train pull away.
The next one I was meant to get wasn't for over an hour but I decided that seeing as it was their cockup I would get on whichever train I chose and go via Woking.
So I snuck on. I've snuck on trains before but it's somewhat easier from Bournemouth to Poole. To avoid the ticket inspector I first went to the loo conveniently as he came through and then later kept getting off at different stops to change carages.
By the time I got home I was exhausted and limping worse than before even.

Saturday night was no more restful however as I was going to Maddie's 18th birthday party. This was the real purpose for my visit as I wanted to be a good step brother and be there on her big day. Or I wanted to try and pull some nubile young 18 year-olds. You decide.
It doesn't take Poiro to guess that that didn't happen. Partly because the music was way too loud for anyone to talk to each other (Rich agreed... which is depressing for 20 year-olds) and secondly as they all seemed quite drunk. None though, were quite so drunk as the G. Think how annoyed you'd be if you had to have both legs amputated - that's how drunk Goof was.

We're not really sure why it happened to him, as he hadn't drunk anymore than the rest of us, and what he did have went all over our legs. He isn't normally a light weight particularly (infact as he had informed us earlier that night he was a 'veteran drinker who had sampled beverages all around the world' and 'the people at this party probably revere[d him]'). Not even the rats would revere him by the end of the night (I'm not sure what's up with me and rats right now...)
Regardless of the reasons he was pretty far gone early on and while Rich and I chatted on the couch he decided to capture my sister and Mum in turn and shout in their ears.

He's a charming man...

I felt particularly sorry for my Mum when he brought her to the bar in what was essentially a head-lock. Her eyes were begging for me to end it. Moments later he had 'slipped' (read 'collapsed') and we had to help him onto his feet and to Toko. Moments after that we then had to help him out of there as he was too drunk to stay. We got in a taxi (after the first two rejected us) but only got halfway home before he basically leapt out of the moving vehical to barf onto the pavement. Then lie in it. Rich and I paid the taxi and got out to plan our next move. I have photos but I'm currently keeping them to try and blackmail him. However Rich and I did for some reason decide that this would be a great opportunity for us to take this picture:

Personally I'm glad we did. Unfortunately our attempts to get him up were a waste of time and he just lay there shouting 'leave me!!' which was weird. Rich then had the brilliant idea to carry him the entire way home (at least two miles). With his bad knee and my bad ankle and with Goof a complete dead weight. We tried twice and probably managed to move him half a metre before giving up. My idea, which admitedly wasn't much better, was to lie next to him for 2 hours until he sobered up.
I began to worry when the arm he was lying on went blue and he burped froth. Rich agreed and attempted to hail a passing ambulance. They appologised that they were on the way to a different emergency but told us from looking at him that we should dial 999.
Instead we dialed 556677 - that's United Taxis. The bloke arrived and got out to help us try and come up with a solution, eventually agreeing to transport him home in exchange for a hefty tip (£9!).
When we got him home we had to carry him from the car to his house. We couldn't get him to his bed but we put a bed cover over him and a cat litter tray next to him in his living room. Then Rich and I had a nice cup of tea while he lay there before we walked back to mine and Rich got a taxi from there.
I had a slightly weird turn aswell. I'd been relatively OK all night, but randomly I have a blackout with no memory from the door to my bed. All I know is that there was a dirty plate put back in the cupboard and I was in bed in my socks. It's like looking after Goof had denied me my drunkenness and I'd let it all out in one go.
I phoned Goof's Dad Bob the next morning to make sure he had puked and choked on it. Ridiculously Goof didn't even have a hangover. It's not fair.

The next day I had no time to recover either as I had another business meeting with Si and Matt. Baring in mind that the last one ended up with us steeling a cabbage, stalking deer and cooking a meal in a forest I knew this wasn't going to be particularly relaxing.
Originally we had planned to do something weird with eggs and potatoes, but when they instructed me to bring swimming trunks I knew it was going to be a strange day again. I wasn't dissapointed either.
The plan was to build a raft and sail it down the rapid-like river in Wimborne. First we went up the road to the retail park and bought the materials. Oddly we decided the best things for the job were two large planks of wood, tapping screws and red 'fun tubs' and 'fun boxes' to provide the boyancy. We had some strange looks.
We then attmpted with difficulty to transport them to Simon's house with some difficulty cramming it all in. It was not a comfortable journey for me and Matt...

Which was dumb as they actually stack like this:

At Si's we drilled holes and marked various points before heading to Wimborne. And creating...

It was a weird day... I love this photo as it makes no sense.

...this! The SS Herbert:
It was a fine vessel, strong enough to rival the Black Pearl. Unfortunately however it didn't float. At all. Especially as the water was too shallow and the buckets touched the bottom. Instead of a raft as such, what we ended up with was a weird small platform just below the surface of the freezing water. We stood on it a bit but then our feet got freezing. Four hours of work were pure folly...

Captain Matt commands Simon to jump onto Herbert.

Until that is Matt and I tried turning upside down and found it could float that way. Brilliant engineering there. I tried to see if it could take my weight as well which was tricky as there were nails sticking up through the bottom. I could move very quickly and once it began drifting away I found myself essentially stuck until it had run its course. Although saying that I was loving it anyway. It's course happened to be at least 15 minutes long which was sort of fun and peaceful except for the nails and the strange position I found myself in most of the time. I realised that it was these kinds of weird stunts that have resulted in broken bones and other injuries in the past (I was also fairly worried about Limes disease from the rat's piss and my open wound (there are those rats again!)). Simon watched and filmed for a while before saying he'd meet me on the bank. I finally understood what Captain Jack Sparrow was on about... 'now bring me that horizon'... I felt so free. Finally. Except for the not being able to get off or even steer.

Unfortunately once it reached the deepest point (it would be) one side of the ship suddenly began flooding with water and the boat began to capsise. Unable to move my feet I had to allow myself to go under then swim for cover once it had fallen out underneath me. I swam desperately for land and watched with an ache in my heart as a single remaining lone bucket drifted off into the distance.
Unfortunately the only land I had managed to reach was a small ledge at the bottom of a short drop covered in sharp stones and brambles. Meaning I had to shout for help and get Simon and Matt to bring me my shoes and help me up over the edge. A passing old lady looked on in a mixture of horror and confusion as a random half-naked, soaking wet lad clambered up over the ledge onto land.

Me looking like a drowned... rat...

My other activites over the weekend included lying around in the sun, eating and walking my lovely poodle Elo. Oh and I also took this awesome photo with the help of my Stinky sister during my time in Bournemouth. It's the cover for one of my upcoming e-books 'Death to the Traitor'. Are you excited yet? Could I be anymore of a loser?

Finally! I look a bit like a super hero! It took a lot of editing...

Week of the Living Adam

2008-04-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

I've been limping around the place like something from Night of the Living Dead lately which has put a downer on an otherwise pleasant week. I'd just bought myself Warrior King with Tony Jaa you see (who is amaaaaazing) and I got a bit excited as I tend to do when I watch these things. Watch and you'll see what I mean:

For a split moment I forgot myself, got caught up in the moment and started doing spinning jumping kicks in the flat. Unfortunately I was too excited to check if I had any space first and so while spinning upside down with my heal whipping round my head (armada from Capoeira) I managed to take out one of my metal chairs. It was a good kick; the chair went flying up into the air and threw my clothes off all around the room before it came crashing down and trashed a bowl on the coffee table. I was well chuffed with myself until I realised I'd made contact with my bare ankle and thus busted it. Note to self: I am not Tony Jaa and my flat is too small to practice chess let alone Capoeira.

It wasn't too bad; just all fat and swollen and it filled my sock with blood. I sat with it elevated and it mostly went away, but then walking on it the last two days has just aggravated it further and it seems it's not going to heal.
It's been a nightmare walking around Leeds on it, which isn't helped by the fact that the city is full of kids at the moment. The teachers are on strike apparently you see so all the little retards are running around in the road. Unlike fully-formed people they will run into you or dawdle along slowly just infront of you. This is why children shouldn't be let outside, they should be kept in cages. Someone needs to go and round them all up with a cattle-prod. Or a gun.
And it's had knock-on effects on other aspects of my routine. For example I had to forgoe my legs session and have run out of milk because the newsagents is too far to hobble. Yogurt does not make a good replacement for milk in tea. It is infact a terrible replacement as it settles on the bottom and goes all bitty.
So I'm not a happy bunny. Mostly because I am not a rabbit. If you thought I was a rabbit then you are clearly a lunatic.
This is a rabbit:
It is SUPER BOCK! Returned from a previous post by popular demand.

So as I've been sat on my arse allot the last couple of days (even more than usual that is) you'd think I'd have started work on my dissertation application that has to be in on Monday. Well, you'd be wrong. I have instead been building this PRODUCTS PAGE! A much better use of my time I'm sure you'll agree.
Yes as you can see I've sold out and become an affiliate to try and make some cash. I haven't completely sold out though, I was going to include an e-book on there that paid out 50% per perchase, but upon looking at the marketing blurb which described it as 'orgasmic' I decided even I couldn't sink that low.
As it is all of the stuff on there is actually quite cool. Especially the pull up bar for your door frame and the belt that you can hang weights off of.
So I haven't sold my soul to the Devil then, but I haven't exactly sold it soul to an angel either (or given it?). I mean there's nothing bad about promoting some cool stuff, but to have sold it to an angel I'd have to be marketing orphaned children or something. Actually that might be a bit of a moral and legal grey area...
I've probably sold my soul to Richard Madely; just a nice ordinary chap. I'm good with that.

I have looked at my report booklet thingy but too be honest it's a bit thick. I've come up with a couple of ideas but none of the lecturers want to be my supervisor. As my Mum pointed out that could be because all of my ideas somehow involve bodybuilding or martial arts. Not typical psychology fare... If I'd done a degree in bodybuilding I wouldn't be having this trouble.

Tomorrow things are looking up though as I will be heading back to Bournemouth for a very short time to attend my Step sister's 18th birthday party. When it was on I kind of assumed I was invited, and that Goof and Rich were invited too, although I'm not sure that that was the original plan.
Anyway I will be there to add a bit of class as the cool older brother and I can scope out her young nubile friends who will no doubt be impressed that I'm a write with a car and a flat. They still won't date me though. So I'll be away for a few days. Try not to kill yourself.

In the meantime to tide you over you can read a wealth of recent articles on The Biomatrix. Most of which aren't even by me! Two are from new comers: Helen Clark, who has some very interesting things on the way including an interview with a guy who enterred the strongest man competition this year; and David Di Cristo, who owns a website on gaining weight healthily.

So check them out:
The Beauty of Boxing by Helen Clark
Wilmslow Gym Review by Helen Clark
How Can I Gain Weight? by David Di Cristo
The Road to Recovery from good old Rich Silverton, and
Improve Your Bench from good old me, because I ought to actually do some work on my own site...

Although I haven't been doing nothing at all. I've been writing an e-book... stay tuned...

The trippiest post so far

2008-04-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

Starting from where I left off last post I had a nice normal day at work on Thursday before returning to the gym where I'd been turned down the day before. I got in okay this time but as it was supposedly my 'first time' I had to have a tour of the place for the third time. I must have come across a bit weird to the woman showing me about when I kept bursting out laughing. I seriously would make a terrible spy.
This can be like my myth though when I make it big though. Like they say that Arnie was so into his bodybuilding that he used to break into the gym on the weekends, and they say that when Stallone was a kid he used to lift scrap metal in the junk yard. My story is that when I was too poor to afford the gym I had to sneak in using false identities. Pretty cool huh?

Then on Friday my Gaba arrived. Gaba as I may have explained is a bodybuilding supplement that's recently been banned in the UK. It has some interesting effects.
Primarily it's supposed to cause your pituatary gland to produce more growth hormone, up to 600% apparently, and this then leads to the good stuff: fat burning and muscle building.
That's not all it does though - it's also a neurotransmitter that prevents the reuptake of serotonin which means obviously you've got some more of that floating around in your brain. That then leads to sleepiness, a pleasant mood, tingling and bloody weird and vivid dreams.
For these reasons it's been used as everything from a sleeping aid, to a mood enhancer, to a bodybuilding supplement.
So there's the science (sort of) but to be honest it seems no one really knows what it does exactly and different people will say different things. Some people say it can't cross the blood-brain barrier so doesn't work while others say it's almost a 'natural high'. There was only one way to find out!

So I took it Friday night and noticed nothing much except maybe a slight dullness. Although I did have a strange dream that I was a skeleton. So then Saturday while looking for affiliate schemes I decided I would take a bigger dose, during the day so that I could monitor the results. Again I didn't feel much other than a bit of tiredness. I rang my cousin on her mobile and told her about it and she shouted 'Adam you don't need to do drugs!' apparently she go some funny looks in Tescos. That night I had a weird dream about dead dreams washing up on the beach.
Then Sunday I went to Auntie Sue's house. All day I felt groggy and tired and probably wasn't great company. I cheered up when she gave me some Apple Juice cartons to take home. Isn't it nice when someone knows you so well that they give you just the thing you want most in the world at that time? For anyone who doesn't know me well it's allways apple juice or sandwiches.
When I got home I still felt so yonked. Notice the blog hasn't been updated? There haven't been any more articles? I didn't even do my workout that night and I've done workouts through fairly serious illnesses in the past. Not like me at all.

Sunday night I took the recommended dose again before going to bed. That was the strangest night of all. While I was lying their I felt like I was lying next to my body. That's not something they write about on the bodybuilding forums.
Then today at work I felt properly bizarre. Like the Pink Floyd song 'Comfortably Numb' I just felt all warm and didn't want to move. I kept having weird flash-backs to things from years ago and my skin felt cosy... I mean normally it feels fine I don't have a problem with it but you never really appreciate it...
To be honest I wasn't doing my best work this morning. I was mainly sitting there smiling and enjoying the moment. I was so out of it that I went into the manager's office telling her a piece of paper had 'dissapeared into the photocopier' only to then correct myself by saying 'hang on I'm holding it actually'. I then later didn't realise that I had said something only in my head instead of out loud.
At lunch my mp3 player music went into my head. It was kind of like dreaming while being awake. Like tripping I presume and then I found a 'magic card'. It was ontop of the cash point through the glass so I went into the bank to get it. I actually questioned that this happened later but lo and behold it's there inside my wallet. That's reassuring anyway.

So I was pretty spun out. Not the best time then to come across a Scientology faire going on in the middle of the town. I wouldn't have been suprised if my head exploded.

Scientologists are pretty mental and randomly have pestered me in the past. For some reason during my first year of Uni they rang Goof's house and asked his Dad if I was in. He obviously pointed out that I didn't live there but they got my mobile number. They then rang me at Uni and invited me to speak at one of there meetings! I'm pretty sure that was a case of mistaken identity. When I said I'd probably pass they sent me a leaflet. That was creapy as I don't know how they got the address. Or Goof's number for that matter.
Incase you don't know anything about them, their religion comes from a science fiction book. If it was Transformers then fair enough - there's some pretty heavy evidence that Optimus Prime is actually real - but no this one's properly far fetched. The main bad guy for instance is an alien called 'Xenu'. Seriously, that's like a name you just make up on the spot, possibly the most stereotypical alien name there is other than Zorg. If you're going to start a religion at least make up original names. I would have called him 'Bouncy Bob'.
Goof and I once tried to start a detective agency. That had some pretty stupid names. The company was called 'Murder Mouth' and our nemesis was called 'Conky Conk'. You can blame Goof for those names. The difference is though that we were six years old.

Outside the tent they were all dancing to this little brass band and there was a sign saying 'show us your moves and get on ITV1'. I decided that I wanted to be on TV, but that I didn't want to be on TV dancing at a cult. So I decided instead to run through the middle of it as though I didn't realise it was there. If I was stopped I would claim I was being chased.
I did this and it was successful, though I suppose they'll probably edit that out. I then decided that seeing as how I was bored I should check out their strange tent and get a free personality test because why not?
The tent was weird and if I hadn't taken photos I could quite easily have thought this was an effect of the Gaba too.

(Those there books are like their bibles!)
(Fools! Everyone knows the real Bible is Arnold Schwarzenegger's Guide to Modern Bodybuilding!)

First of all there was a picture of a man in a cage with electrodes all over him. This apparently was a representation of psychology which they hate for some reason. It said over the sign 'No psychological theories have EVER been proven'. Because all of the Scientology ones have...
And actually that's the point of science and that's what seperates it from this bollocks. Science never claims to prove anything and all well planned studies should set out to dissprove theories rather than prove them.

More horrfying though were the people lying on operating tables! I'm not joking look:

I wanted to shout- 'Old lady! Run! They're mentalists!' but I thought they might attack me.

Then just to my left were people plugged into a strange device that could read their thetans! This is how many aliens you have in you see, and the more you have in you the more stressed you are.

Ahh... I get it...
hang on no that makes no sense!

And why are the photos so shite you may be wondering? Well I'm a crap photographer. But also because I'd been told off for taking them. Yep! After my test I scarpered out of there and didn't look back.

And weirdly the whole experienced mixed with the fresh air actually helped to freshen me back up and I started to feel normal again. And weirdly baring in mind they're used to boost your mood my usual state of mind is much more positive than it was with that stuff in me! I was singing and stuff and it felt brilliant to be back! I'd forgotten how good it is to be able to think.
You know if they could bottle whatever it is that puts me in my usual mood they would probably make a fortune.
Can you bottle sandwiches?

So in my opinion: Gaba = bad idea. I don't think it's worth the slight anabolic benefits if you're going to be so dopey you can't think or workout. I also hate the idea of not really being 'me' you know? I felt like Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest.
I could tell there was something wrong when I was standing in a que at the bus for 10 minutes without it moving and didn't get at all angry. Weird. I guess that's how it kills anxiety - it just makes you too slow to register it.
When it wore off all my worldy troubles came rushing back to me (they amount to this: I have run low of milk) but that's how it's supposed to be! You feel sort of paranoid at times too. Not cool.
I'm never going to mess with the Adman again!

But perhaps it's not the Gaba? Perhaps the lesson here is 'don't buy illegal drugs off ebay and then exceed the recommended dosage?'

I then returned to the gym once again - a sure sign that things were back to normal. This time I didn't pretend to be someone else. The lady recognised me but I used my charm and a sprinkle of Adam magic (and my new lucky playing card) and she let me in with a knowing wink. Good that I didn't have to take the tour for the fourth time.
And actually this place has started to grow on me. It may not have many facilities and it may be claustrophobic and depressing, but at least it's friendly and you don't have to que for the machines. I got chatting with three different people and had a brilliant session (something in my right bicep went snap... awesome).

One thing I'm still not so keen on is having to walk under the bridge past the dodgy looking gang
at 7pm on the way home. I wasn't scared tonight as there was an old-ish lady with me there. I mean she wouldn't be much use in a crisis but I'm relying on the assumption that I can run faster than she can and that they'd probably rather rape her than me.

So after I left the gym I was feeling good and back to normal. It was worth it for the review and for the experiment but I am not going near the stuff again. The Gym is the real cure they should prescribe for all those problems. It's the best natural high a guy can get. Well, except for the obvious...

...sandwiches!

Before I go you have to see this. His name is Twiggy and he's a water-skiing Squirrel. You will laugh until you stop:

I love it for several reasons. A) because it's so cruel and he has no choice and the matter and that lady is clearly insane B) because any squirrel could do that C) because he falls off immediately and she has to help him out the water D) because some retarded guy commented on YouTube saying 'that's not a squirrel it's a Canadian running dog' and E) because I quite like squirrels. It's brilliantness on a stick.
Still, slightly more normal than the event I witnessed today...

I'm off now to post some new articles on the site. Three of them to be exact, and none of them by me!

Covert Gym Operations

2008-04-16T15:04:00.001-07:00

Si's been reading my blog lately and said that it was 'getting better all the time'. The other day though he read the last entry (my creative and original MTV Cribbs style post) and said he didn't like it...

Fuck you Si.

Nah, I don't mean it! And I appologise for swearing, I'm not one of these 'swearers' (people who swear allot). Sometimes it has comic value though. Anyway I'm sorry if there was a slip in standard last week I'll try to do better I swear.

Si was actually round here while he was reading it anyway which I reckon probably took some of the sheen off. He was back from his Easter in Bournemouth so we got a Subway and he came round for a couple of hours to chat and help me sort out my fantasy football team. I'm so close to victory now I can taste it. To be honest Si is partly, well mostly, well entirely, responsible for the team's success.
Initially I'd just put in players who had names I liked, such as 'Linvoy Primus' (it sounds like Optimus Prime... a bit), who I maintain was a lucky charm for that team. Anyway after starting four or five weeks late I'm now in second position and gaining on Nathan for first. It'll be he underdog story of our time. Like Rocky. They are called 'Team Fire Explosion'!

He also threw oranges at me.

Otherwise I've been fairly quiet as usual. I've written a new article on The Top 10 Fight Scenes ever, inspired by the news that Jackie Chan will be fighting Jet Li in the new Forbidden Kingdom film. I also uploaded a new article from Area 9's James Stettler -Hail to the King - which is all about squatting.

Then today I tried to return to the Flintstones gym again (where I planned to have a gay old time (not in a queer way)) but was foiled by some cow on reception.
I made a tit of myself to start with anyway when I barged past the qeue to the desk. I did this because I thought she gave me a look that said I could. I was then asked to 'wait at the back of the qeue' like I was some retard or thought I was the king (I am the king).
I then gave her one of my many free sample entry vouchers that I got from Brenda only to be told that I had to book in advance to use them.
'I don't think I do' I assured her. 'I've been before.'
Then though I realised I wasn't supposed to have been here before so I had to add.
'To a different gym.'
She then had to explain to me with her stuck-on grin that different gyms had different rules and I conceded that this was fair. She definitely thought I was a retard. But it doesn't matter because I think she's the spawn of a whore.

When I booked though I had to use a false name 'Max Hunter' (like City Hunter (below), who is also a spy/secret investigator (like me)) so she didn't realise I'd already signed in once before.
I like the name Max Hunter. I decided Max was an Italian entrepreneur playboy and something of an alcoholic with a dark past (he killed a man once). Max also has a slightly protruding jaw which I achieved through gurning (I used to think I could make my face unrecognisable by pulling strange faces as a form of disguise. I called myself 'The Amazing Putty Face'. I managed to hold my nose in and my jaw out for 48 hours once which was impressive before I began to cramp and became 'The Weird Spasm Face' instead. I was a special child).
I have hundreds of these tickets and I'm going to try and get as many free sessions as possible over the next three months by going at different times and at different hours. Eventually I'll be asked to leave but I reckon I can get quite allot of free use out of them first. I can have some fun with these names too.

I've gotten damn good at getting free stuff lately actually. I took similar advantage at the new Tescos that's opened up in the city centre near work. As it's new they've been handing out vouchers that get you £2 off for every £6 you spend.
Again I walked in and out several times thus collected four vouchers. I then did my shopping this afternoon in 4 batches of around £6 thus saving myself £8 in total. Haha fools!

I was disappointed about the gym though today as I had planned to test out the touted strength gain benefits of my new 'Speedsoles'. They came in the post today and they're pretty cool actually. I'm not sure about the 'vibration frequency' and all that crap but slipping them under my regular insole definitely put a spring in my step and I find I can now run longer and faster and also feel I can jump higher. Expect a full review soon.

Having said that my feet are now pretty achey but that could be more down to the fact that I don't normally run everywhere.

On the other hand it may have been for the best that they turned me away today. This evening I found myself turning up the heat in the shower until it scolded me to 'improve my pain threshold'. Perhaps I'm getting a bit obsessive... that is decidedly mental.

Anyway I'm off now to watch Ghost in the Shell which Nathan lent me and has been raving about. From the blurb it sounds a bit like Iron Man: Hypervelocity, which can only be a good thing.
Okay if I'm honest I only wrote that as an excuse to put another Iron Man picture in my blog... I need to find new hobbies.

(In a random note I've just noticed that in that picture of Paris two posts ago she looks a bit like she has a nervous twitch or she's a pirate. She has weird wonky eyes. Just so you know I don't find that attractive - Pirates to me are a turnoff.)

The MTV Cribbs post

2008-04-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

You know what annoys me sometimes? Certain oranges. The ones where you buy them, and then two days later they're already mouldy. How has this been allowed to go on for so long? I feel like someone needs to pay for this.

As is probably evident already I haven't done much today (someone who has a life does not moan about oranges). I was invited out by that girl again, but it came at a bad time. I'd just cleared up my house/room and been to the launderette. Everything was all sorted and I was just settling down to a night of tea, delicious tuna sandwiches and classic graphic novel 'Watchmen'; then she decides to text. I need forewarning. She's probably now wondering why I've said I want to go out then blown her off twice. I think it's because I'm bored.

When I then fell asleep on the sofa I had a weird dream. I dreampt I was accosted by the film crew of some TV programme who asked if I wanted to be in their competition. I agreed but then was horrified to learn that it required me to dance naked on live television. Reluctantly I decided to go for it, and it was looking like it was going to become one of those classic anxiety dreams, until everyone started clapping and I got really into it. I did this weird little dance and kept my socks on for comedy value. I cleverly also moved my hips so fast that the camera only picked up a blur and my crotch was hidden (incase it came out of the woodwork later on when I was famous)
Apparently I scored 77% and this must have been a great score as I was ecstatic and apparently had won the competition. I told my sister about the dream and she interpretted it as me being an ego-maniac (she also informed me that one of her teachers described me as having 'eaten my way through sixth form').

Anyway, as I've opted to do nothing for the last two days I thought I'd try something different for this blog post and so I present 'The MTV Cribs Post'.

Hello MTV Cribs! (Play along, I'm pretending I'm on the show, I do this in my head quite a lot). Welcome to my crib. Not all this is mine though, mine's just the top floor. The biggest advantage of that is that the murderers would have to climb several flights of stairs to get to me and around here they're all too lazy to do that.
As you can see it's a bit of a dump... okay a lot of a dump. It's worse when you see it in real life as then you can hear the sounds of gunshots and smell the foul stench of fear (probably).
The view from most of my windows is just another one of these from about 20 metres away. The people across the way don't draw the curtains when they get naked...
Come inside and I'll show you around!

This is my 'command centre', where all the work gets done. I probably spend about 60% of my life here the lack of actual desk is slowly ruining my spine. Soon I will have developed a fetching hunch, they're all the rage in Notre Damme.
As you can see I have a keyboard on show which subtly hints at my creative and emotional side so that visitors will be in awe of me. So far it hasn't worked.
The books subtly hint at my genius. Optimus Prime hints that I am mildly retarded.

Here is the 'entertainment zone' (a tv and xbox) and just infront of it my home gym (a barbell and two dumbbells). That barbell is nowhere near as heavy as it looks which is great because I can watch myself lift it with ease in the cleverly placed mirror. At the time of taking this photo I was watching Disney's Hercules for the 70th time.
I can't obviously use that fire without melting the TV which is a shame because it gets so cold in here that I can pop balloons with my nipples.

This is the 'communications corner' and the master armchair. As you can see this is also where I keep all of my clothes and crap. That's not untidy, I just like to keep my bags on the floor for easy use.
Behind the chair we have an ironing board that I keep for its ironic value (it's an irony board!), a weights bench, and a small plastic christmas tree. I bought it because Jess told me to and it was one of those things where you can't say no without offending. It doesn't even stand up.

This is my pet Toby the pygmy elephant. He's the last of his kind all the way from Africa. He never makes any mess and doesn't even move making him a great pet for anyone. That's why he's earned himself a go in the master armchair.

This is how I spend most of my time: gazing over the balcony deep in thought with my faithful pet. Here I am contemplating the meaning of life.

And this is what I am actually seeing during said gazing. As you can see it does lead to questioning the meaning of life and indeed the point of life. I think that's why they've made the wall so low - so it's easy to put yourself out of your misery. An opportunity I'm sure many previous tenants will have jumped at (see what I did?).
That green car on the right is the Admobile (my car). It's very useful being able to keep an eye on it, particularly when random blokes are launching fire-works at it.
The building at top left there is actually where they used to keep bears to look at in Victorian times. That doesn't impress girls as much as you might think. Today it's full of used seringes and bottles of white lightning.
Sometimes I think the bears got the better deal. Probably lived there rent free too.
Now piss off MTV cribbs before I set the drunken beggars from room 18 on you!

So there you go, tour over. Sometime I might do a tour of work but for now I think that's enough mind-numbing drivell. You can see why I sometimes say the place is a shit hole. Although to be honest it's a shithole I've come to call home and I will miss it in a way, sort of, when all this is over.

It's not much longer either, and summer has just become even more great too as my family have booked a holiday to Turkey - and I'm coming too for my 21st birthday present! Combined with Bulgaria that's a month of sun, booze and lying about the place! Unfortunately this means I won't really have time to get a part-time job over the summer either... what a shame...

Curry poo

2008-04-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

Well I got to try out the new gym on Monday, but I wasn't 100% impressed. Infact I was possibly not even 12% impressed. More than 9% though.

It's actually the gym at the Hilton hotel which you might think would equate to class (although I guess I should have just looked at Paris to figure out it doesn't (hot though)). Not the case, instead you get a tiny dank hole that is obviously little more than an after-thought. The free weights are the worst, with only 3 benches including the bench press. It's not even like there's room to stand and use them as they've dedicated roughly a square metre to them.
It's all really old fashioned too with equipment straight out of the stoneage. I was almost expecting a Flintstones-style little woolly mamoth who filled up your cups with his trunk in the place of the normal water fountain. The bench press was even too high for me to place the bar back without standing up! I guess that's my fault for having stumpy arms...
The saving grace however is the speed-ball in with the resistance machines. It's been aaaaages since I had a go with one and I decided I'd try again, even though I'd blatantly look like a twat and disturb everyone else in the room. There's always one...
I wasn't very good at first and again it was too high up for me really (it's like a gym for giants... stoneage giants!) but I somehow got addicted. I was actually there for in total 40 minutes, by which time the ball was just a noisy blur. If you sped it up and played music over the top, perhaps sporadically cutting to me on the other machines, then you'd have a recipe for a brilliant training montage. My neck hurt though from looking up for so long, an indignation that lead me to wear my tallness heals the next two days.
Coming back from the gym I found some texts from Goof. As I hadn't answered the first one he'd deduced that I must be in the gym (that's pretty sad actually...) and so had sent me a bit of encouragement including the musical introduction to 'eye of the tiger' (da da, da da da, da da da, da da da; da da, da da da, da da da, da da da etc), and instruction to do another set of something. Of course I did. That's good gym buddying for you - support and inspiration from 200 miles away. Expect a full review and my answer to his gym buddy piece very soon.
I've just realised that the gym is the one place where succumbing to peer pressure is a good thing.

I only got to use one day of my 3-in-a-row voucher however as I met up with my Uncle again. On Wednesday we went for another curry and brought my Aunty Sue along too. The curry was like an authentic one where you don't get cuttlery and have to eat using just the Japatti. Apparently this was a very good curry as famous 'Rick Stein' had been there and claimed it was the best curry he ever had (I always thought that was the guy who wrote Goosebumps?). This was such a boost for them that they hung a massive photo of him by the front door and renamed their 'spinach karahi' as 'Rick Stein'.
I demanded a Keema Spinach Karahi, which didn't exist, but they made it for me specially. It was very nice and after eating it I proclaimed it 'the best curry I had ever had'. Randomly though they didn't get so excited, or add it to the menu as 'Adam Sinicki'. I had a picture I was going to give them and everything. Just as well really as I was lying.
It was very nice however, although I had a massive curry-poo at work today.

Tonight I could have met up with that girl from Poole. She text me out of the blue the other day telling me she was back and asked if I wanted to do 'go out with her lot sometime' (I like a girl with a plan...). I said yes, as I'm still trying to 'seize every opportunity' which was my resolution last year, and it could end up a fun random night. Then she texted me today and said she was going to the pub and I decided to pass. It seems random, but I like forewarning, and plus I was very tired for all of the... doing nothing...
So instead of socialising and enjoying myself and meeting new people I have enjoyed a night of sleeping on the floor, watching Dodgeball, working out and continuing to walk around blindfolded. I think I made the right choice.
Good described it as my 'classic pattern' and said that some things never change. That made me feel safe.

In other news I think I may have found out why all the bus drivers are so off when I ask for my '£9 week pass', the reason being that no such thing exists. It's called a 'greenzone'. Where I got my version from I'm not sure.

As ever I have more updates on the way, but in the meantime enjoy these two articles:
Vertical Limit - How to increase your jumping height by yours truly
and Hail to the King - An article on the wonders of the squat from James Stettler.

Its the Spring-time

2008-04-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'm in a lovely mood right now. I'm on one of those weird highs. It started a minute ago when I looked in the fridge and realised I had Danish Pasties, at the same time I was drinking apple juice. For that moment everything was right in the world and I was filled with joy. I've since been crying with laughter at Friends and am as excited as can be looking forward to a night of Desperate Housewives. Life is goood. That said I don't know what happened to Smallville this morning. Not cool.

I've just been for a nice meal with my Uncle too. I had a Keema Masala. Keema is brilliant, it's mince so it soaks up all the sauce. He also gave me some really cool new slippers. They have space-age technology inside that morphs to your feet for optimum comfort. What will they think of next? I don't know how I lived without them. Infact they're kind of compulsive, like drugs for the feet.

Even cooler than all that though, yesterday I saw Never Back Down... for free! I went to the ticket machine, selected the film, and the tickets just popped out! Sweat, and the film was awesome too. Like a hybrid of Fight Club, Karate Kid and High School Musical; a match made in heaven if there ever was one. It even had a great little training montage thrown in for good measure. I was so psyched from the film that I ran home from the city.

I decided to use the positive vibes cleaning up the flat, whistling while I worked and singing with the little birdies who fluttered around my head (it was bloody weird, I think they'd gone mad with rabies). It's called 'spring cleaning' which suggests it's a once a year deal. It is with me anyway.
I decided to try using this 'bathroom mousse' my Mum gave me, some other high tech nonsense. It's amazing though and now the bathroom is sparkling so brightly it hurts my eyes. It looks so clean you could lick it.
This is actually a good reason not to clean the place so thoroughly, as people should be dissuaded from licking toilets. The grime in my bathroom acts in that capacity as a dissuader. There is a clear link between how often you're ill and how often you lick the bathroom.

Tomorrow I'm going to check out that new gym. I also have 'speedsoles' in the post (they make you run faster and jump higher!) and GABA (it promotes the secretion of HGH). Exciting times.

What's amaaaazingly exciting though is the present I'm getting from my sister for my 21st:

That is so ridiculously mental I can't wait! It will really be Spring time then! Eh? Having a Sister has finally paid off!

I only give my money to rabbits

2008-04-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling lately not to say 'lol' outloud. It's such a useful word in texts and online that I think we need an equivalent in spoken language. What it basically does is allow you to express mirth without actually having to muster a laugh. It would be a way of letting someone know their joke was funny when you don't have the energy to actually giggle, or more likely a polite way to pretend something was funny when it was infact crap. I might start a petition.

Now look at this:

What's that? I'm in a magazine! That would probably be quite impressive if it wasn't the same magazine that I currently work for. Or if I hadn't written it myself...

Hoepfully though this will garner a bit more attention for the site(s). Both of which have been going quite well lately and between them I'm earning about £30-£50 a month now. It's not much but it's a start! (Matt has also randomly set up a dating site for me to generate profit from. It's called 'Adam's Love Shack of Love!').
Oh yeah check out my new article on my favorite pass-time. Sleep.
It's actually quite a full time project though to do the marketing, programming and the writing for the-biomatrix on top of an actual job, weight training and trying to fit in a social life somewhere. Suddenly I feel like all the energy has been sapped out of me.

Adding to my tiredness was a mid-week pub visit with some guys from work. We went to this little trendy bar that was so cool you couldn't find it. The place is called 'Baby Jupiter' (it's cool because it doesn't make sense) and has a retro vibe to it with posters of films but in French (anything French is somehow arty and hip). It also had little postcards and the toilets were behind a door saying 'Both Directions' (it's cool because it's irreverant and unhelpful). The place was too cool to simply say 'Gents'.
It seems that the coolness of a club is directly related to how well hidden it is. In fact it was so bizarrely located that I actually managed to get lost while popping out to get cash (perhaps only people cool enough to have an impeccable sense of direction are welcome, like it's the first test?). I then made the mistake of asking an old lady for directions (blatantly she wouldn't be cool enough to find it if I wasn't!).
'Let's ask this person!' she said looking at a lady down the other side of the road. Meanwhile I'm wondering why she thinks I'm incapable of doing that myself. When the passer-by arrives she doesn't know either so we have to wait for the next one who's a good 5 minutes away. I start to worry that I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life. Randomly though this lady decides to bullshit and direct me the one place I know it isn't. Obviously then though I have to be seen to be politely walking in the direction she advised so that I don't seem rude. As soon as I got round a corner I had to ring Nathan to come and find me. I don't think I really belong in places any cooler than Weatherspoons (it's cool because it's cheap).

In other news I've been thrown a lifeline! Having mentioned to a colleague at work that my gym membership was soon to expire I have now been supplied with vouchers for collectively 13 days of gyming which I can probably string out to help me through most of the three months I have here. I haven't seen this gym though yet so who knows what lies in store for me? Probably my work colleague knows actually.

This is good news although the home training has been going okay for the last week too. I've started trying to train blind-folded to develop 'human ecolocation'. It's like dare-devil where they can see through sonar, one kid plays football with it (Wikipedia it). I don't think anyone's ever managed to develop it who isn't blind so I'm going to be the first.
It's weird though when you can't see as suddenly you start to hear things you couldn't before. Even on my first go I could already navigate the place from the sounds of the various computers and machines whiring in the room. I could hear conversasions downstairs too. It's quite cool and I'd love it if I could even get my hearing to be that good normally. I'd be like a rubbish Superman. Did feel a bit like a tit though being blindfolded in my flat.
This afternoon I actually saw a real-life blind person (unlike myself who is a fraud) and had to prevent myself from attacking them from behind to see if they could block it. I have a feeling that wouldn't have gone down well...

Which reminds me of the annoying 'Scope' people who attack you in the streets of Leeds lately with their pamphlets and their preaching about disabled people. You can't go anywhere without them harrassing you and they keep shitting up my lunch break. Even if you are running, listening to music and eating, they still can't understand why you wouldn't want to talk to them. The point is if I wanted to support a charity I would go online and find one I liked in my own time. Infact I did, and I pay £3 a month to Blue Cross (an animal charity) as well as recently raising some money for them climbing 1km so I don't need their guilt trip. Let's be honest, if you could choose, who would you rather had your money? A bloke with a limp, or this:
I made my choice. No contest. And so I don't want to have my lunch interrupted by these irritating pratts (just to reference my sources I got this rabbit off of the Legend Press blog, when I saw it I smiled for a whole hour and decided I had to work it into this post somehow. I call him: SUPERBOCK!)

What's more irritating is that their t-shirts say on them 'beating disablism'. No-one I know has any idea what that means. Does it mean stopping people from becoming disabled? Because sorry I don't believe that they're capable of putting an end to disability forever - that's just a blatant lie.

Could it mean preventing people from being disabled-ist by discrimating against disabled people? Well to be honest I'm not sure that anyone is disabled-ist. Who is really that much of an arsehole that they hate disabled people? Why?

The third more sinister possibility is that they want you to beat disabled people. Which is just wrong I reckon. Don't let these pamphlet wielding goons near you.

A gold card holder no more...

2008-03-31T14:34:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to another exciting installment of my blog!

It's been a while again. Not because I've been busy though, quite the opposite infact. This weekend was about the least busy I've ever been. I spent it just sitting in and eating. I haven't been able to do that for a few weeks now and I need my catchup - you need allot of beauty sleep to stay this beautiful! The time in the house alone slowly drives me mental though and when I don't speak to anyone for 24 hours I start talking to the ladybirds and in worst case scenarios, a spoon.

What I did do was to tidy up and I've made the place spick and span. It's best it's looked in a long time, which isn't saying much truthfully. It makes me feel proud and calm though to relax in the clean.
That was ruined though this morning when I found I'd lost my keycard. I was twenty minutes late before I'd even found it and I'd torn the place apart in my scramble .
Living in a one-bedroom flat means that there's not that many places to look and so pretty soon I came to a grim realisation: it was in the bin. Not just in the bin though - at the bottom of the bin. I must have thrown it away Friday night and not needed it seeing as I didn't go out.
So I also had to throw tonnes of rotting garbage out of the bin and onto the surfaces I'd just cleaned. And then pry the keycard out of a lump of furry, mouldy pasta. Not a great start to the day.
And it wasn't the perfect day to be late either seeing as I'd broken their keyboard last week. I mentioned it in the last entry but basically what happened is that I spilled water on it on Thursday and one by one each key stopped working. It was only 2 o'clock and Jonathan wasn't in (he'd have been able to fix it for me). So I elected to just wait it out and hope that the problem solved itself when it dried (I once spilled beer directly into this keyboard). Obviously the manager and other people were still in so I had to make it look like I was working. This is hard without a keyboard. Basically then I spent the afternoon just staring at a publisher's website. For three hours. It was boring.
The next day though it still didn't work. I could have claimed ignorance (people always believe it from me) or blamed it on the cleaner. I didn't though. I thought 'what would Optimus Prime do?' (Transform and drive off). I manned up.
Not a good end to the previous week either then.

What is good though is that I'm now in the money! I am only 300 pounds overdrawn for the first time in years thanks to a desperate letter I wrote to the student loans company asking for more money. At first I sent it to the wrong address but after my second attempt it's all gone smoothly, meaning that I had £700 payed into my account. Then another random £200 has magically appeared as well. I was so chuffed that I punched the air in Wilkinsons. I thought I was alone but some old man laughed at me. I'll get the last laugh however when I buy Fist of Fury with my new cash and he's dying somewhere (I won't actually laugh at that though, that would be a bit harsh).

This money situation is even better though as I a) have another £1,200 coming in before my next rent and b) am no longer paying for my gym. The second point is a double edged sword however as it also means I no longer have a gym. Ouch.
Imagine that you are coming home from a hard day at work, only to find your house has burned down, killing your family and destroying your life. That's how I feel. But worse. No one has ever felt the pain I'm feeling now. There was no leaving party when I left the gym on Thursday. To be honest they were probably worried that would just upset me, but I could see that they were all holding back tears.
To be honest thought it was starting to get ridiculously busy and that just got me angry at their greed. I had to actually que, as in in a line, to get to the bench press. It's been like a perverted Disneyland, where instead of queing for fun rides you que to microtear your muscles (okay it's an even more perverted Disneyland). I love beating myself up in the gym more than anyone but even I feel a bit resentful when queing for it.
Now though I begin a new chapter in my training! All my workouts have to be at home now so I'm going to buy another set of dumbbells (that'll be three). I also plan to dabble in GABA - which increases the body's natural production of growth hormone. On top of that I also have the additional new training programme I was blogging about earlier.
I'm also going to start training other things though. Flexibility and punching speed is one and infact I've already got my punching speed fast enough that it hurst my hand from the blood rushing into it (like when you spin your arms around really fast). This also hurt my bad wrist however which made me think of something else - I've started training for ambidexterity. It's going well so far too and after just a week I can write almost as legibly in both hands although the left is still a bit slow. It's awesome and I wish I'd done it earlier. Want to know how to do it? Well then you'll have to keep checking my site won't you? (at one point I was throwing and catching coins with the left hand but that started to get expensive).
There's so many things you can train your brain and body to do that people just don't think to try. There's allot of wasted potential there and this is going to be the focus of a new e-book coming soon to the-biomatrix!

In the mean time though you'll have to make do with the latest updates: a quiz to find out your MAN Grade (that's what I did all Sunday) and the new Forum (what I did all Saturday). If you want to support the site (and I'm sure you do) then you could always post your quiz results on facebook and actually write on the forum. It's what Jesus would want you to do.

A big one: The adventures of the nomad! Plus! The Biomatrix Lives!

2008-03-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

Boom! It's here! Finally the most important moment in the history of the internet has arrived: the creation of the Biomatrix.
Check it out here!
As well as obviously having a cool layout and what-have-you the site also comes with a bunch of new articles. They include:
Get abs like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, Join the Arms Race, The Manifesto of Mass Review, Unlikely Weapons, Homo-Universalis, The Dragon With Two Tales (a pun), New-trition: Five Quick Diet Fixes and Building the Elite Athlete Review. So what are you waiting for? Get your ass to Mars!

I'd appreciate any feedback or comments regarding the site and am accepting contributions from everyone and anyone (so long as they're decent). I'd also love it if you'd help with promotion, God I'd love it. Mention it to your friends, put it on your blog, do what you can. It could be your good deed for the day (the old ladies should cross at the lights if they can't walk properly).

The reason I haven't updated for a while is that I've been travelling again. As usual I've been travelling back down to Bournemouth where I found myself without a room having been supplanted by my Step Sister. Call me Ad, Nom-Ad (clever huh?).
The first two days I didn't spend at home anyway however. Friday I set off for the gym with Goof at 12. On arriving much hillarity ensued when it turned out that I'd somehow gotten hold of a random old lady's gym card. When her face came up on the computer the receptionists burst out laughing. I have no idea how these things happen.
Otherwise the session was good, if bitter-sweet. You see this may well be our last ever session at Stokewood, a gym that has served us well for 4 years, as we move onto pastures new. No matter how much we love it, we've had to come to terms with the fact that we've outgrown the place.

We then returned to the G's gaff where we were joined by Rich for a nice bit of pork chop. Not what most young lads were doing on a Saturday night, but it turned out very nicely. 'Most young lads' were missing out.
Then we cracked open the drink though and consumed a fair amount. Things got weird when we attempted to set some absynthe on fire. We made the mistake of putting Goof in charge and he managed to throw it all over the floor (luckily we were outside) and set the glass alight. We also made the mistake of putting me in charge of the emergency water which I decided was most needed on the spoon. It tasted just like normal absynthe but a bit hotter.

We then set off to Bournemouth with Si and later Poole (I've been trying to get them to go there for ages now). Here we met a friend of Goof's and I set about trying to pull her tall companion. She told me to slap a man's arse and I did. This impressed her and so I did it again a bit hard and got a funny look. I'm not to be encouraged. However rather than pull her, I managed to get the number of her slightly overweight friend (who lives in Headingley).
I decided that later I could use this to my advantage and so tried to get them to meet us in another club by texting her. Unfortunately I was so drunk that I said we were in Spaced. Which is in Leeds. Strangely I didn't see them again.

Rather than recover from what was an immence hangover I spent Saturday with Matt and Simon. Not doing conventional things really. Infact the whole day was a bit like a weird dream...
It was meant to be a business meating at first but my hangover lead to us heading off to find somewhere 'nice to eat outdoors'. We had in mind a beer garden but instead we ended up on a park bench in Muscliffe eating KFC in the sleet. We looked a bit like tramps.

From here we found ourselves driving down an unexplored path which lead to, strangely, a cabbage farm of some sort. Perhaps still a bit drunk, we decided I should steal one and so I ran out to the backing track of metal music and tore one from the ground while Simon kept the engine running. We were like a group of particularly crap youthful rebels.

Continuing down this path (the actual path, not the metaphorical path of crime) we saw this. It's really sad. Don't look if you're squeamish/a girl. I took the photo because I'm sick/a boy...

I warned you. Next we drove across moors and got out to play football before driving further to encounter 6 deer standing in the middle of the road, some of which were white. We pulled up and tried to follow them and pulled our hoodies up to creap closer. A park ranger passed us in his vehicle which makes me think he was pretty rubbish at his job - we couldn't have looked more suspicious if we tried.
Although we didn't catch any, I did find a spine and two jaw bones (the latter of which I kept as cool ornaments). Unfortunately the ranger had come back and found me holding the spine in one hand. He still didn't seem to think anything was amiss until he asked if 'that was [our] friend running around in the distance'. Matt for some reason had been missing the last ten minutes.

After this we thought it fitting to get some ingredients from Sainsbury in a wok and cook them up in the forest. We started two fires, one to stay warm and one to cook with. The second fire was underneath an upturned cullinder with the wok on top which created a makeshift grill. In here we cooked eggs, bacon, beans and the cabbage that we stole earlier. Some of it tasted alright but my poo was a bit squitty the next day and most of it had dirt on it (the food not the poo).

Then we set off to meet the rest of the Ferndown crew at Chris' house where we were meant to be in the first place. Here we made a puzzle while listening to Pendulum. Some of them were spun out on drugs/lack of drugs.

So that was Saturday. Bizzarre to say the least. Sunday fortunately was more restfull, although Mum made sure I was put to work redesigning the study as my new room. It's turned out to be shit hot and I feel a bit better about losing the master bedroom. I have a piano, a sofa, a dart bored and a door to the garden. I call it 'The Ad-pad' (see, there are lots of fun thigs you can do with my name!). It really is a pad and would be a great place to bring a girl back to. Too bad that will never, ever happen. Ever.

So I was quite knackered and this wasn't helped by the fact that my train arrived 2 hours late due to a breakdown infront of us and the driver getting struck suddenly ill (on the way up some little kid looked at me and said 'I'm a boy!!' I didn't know what to do so just said 'Awesome.'). So much for 'let the train take the strain'! Although I don't suppose 'let the train shit up your life' would sell as well.

Today at work just to rub it in, I spilled water on my keyboard and now it won't type. I'm praying that it fixes itself over night. That can happen right?

Identity theft... sort of...

2008-03-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

Ridiculous. Why do these things always happen to me? I again have access to approximately no money but this time it completely isn't my fault.

Basically I was trying to book my train ticket online when I was informed that my card had been rejected. Baffled I went outside to try it in a cash point, only to have the cash point spit it back out at me. I rang up Barclays and they put me on hold for what seemed like a decade while I had to listen to some crappy guitar music. I actually had time to draw this small diagram of what I believe was actually happening:

What I like about this drawing is how it's so blurry you can't see what he's saying or what's going on. But I think you can get the basic gist.
Anyway it transpires that someone has reported my card as stollen. Someone else has reported my bank card as stollen. Two questions: why and how? Surely a complete random can't just report anyone's card as stollen? It would be chaos! Anarchy!
I told the lady that I had proof it wasn't stollen: I was holding it. Pretty concrete you'd think, but apparently it's now too late. That card is now dead, finished and kaput. So she's sending a new one out. When should it arrive? Friday. Except that Friday is a bank holiday! As is Monday. As I said: ridiculous.

The other piece of bad news, although it's not really comparable, is that Arthur C Clarke died today. He was one of my favorite authors, a futurist and an inventor. He used to present 'Authur C Clarke's Mysterious World' one of my favourite TV programs when I was a kid. That spinning iconic crystal skull had a big impact on me and if it wasn't for that programme and the books of the same name I'd probably never have ended up hiding from lunatics in-between the walls of a quaker's building with Pete and Si during a Forteana convention in London.
This evening I've just read two of his short stories as an homage. I think he'd be pleased. And written this. What with Terry Pratchett getting alzheimers too it's like all my favourite authors are being wiped out. Maybe Neil Gaiman and David Mitchell should go into hiding.
The good news though is that some of his DNA is being sent into space. Not sure why... One journalist said he's 'finally where he belongs'. That seems pretty rude to me actually. I'd be like 'piss off - you belong in space!'
What with working for a writing magazine this is obviously quite big news and everyone's been telling each other and having to edit things. I hope that I leave that kind of impact when I'm dead so that everyone's phoning each other going 'did you hear Adam Sinicki's dead? You changed the piece on page 3 right?'
See you later old chap.

Well that was a little bit heavy for this blog, so to lighten the mood here's this:

My sister says that reminds her of me. Awesome.

Today I received my review copy of The Manifesto of Mass in the post. I've been looking forward to this for a while and it looks like it isn't going to dissapoint. The review will be up in a couple of days once I've had a chance to give it a proper look.
One thing I've already seen in it though was that a hot bath can increase your production of Growth Hormone. I decided to test this out and so gave myself a scalding shower. My skin is now all red and I feel out of breath. I can hear my Mum's voice in my head 'you've always got to take things too far...'

This was following a workout during which I did over 200 sit ups because the girl infront of me was really fit. It was a waste of time as when she stood up it turned out she waddled like some sort of duck. Not attractive. Obviously if it weren't for that we'd be engaged by now most likely (I've just been to my favourite hair-dresser (the one who gives me beer) so I'm now looking my most dapper)...

While you'll have to wait for that review there are some other new additions to the site as ever. First up is a gym review from my Gym buddy Goof. Check it out. At this rate I'll have to re-name the site 'Adam Sinicki and Friends'.
That said I too have supplied something for your reading pleasure - a count down of the best movie training montages. Click here and put my words in your mind.

Obviously I've also been slaving away on the Biomatrix. It's not basically complete - all I'm doing is adding the finishing touches to some of the images and proof-reading the articles. Furthermore as I'm going to be spending 5 hours on the train tomorrow this should almost certainly be complete by the time I'm back from Bournemouth.
To add to the excitement we've secured 2 new articles for the project. One, the story of a brand new martial art and how it came to be, and two, an expose of life working for a muscle mag. It's going to be cooler than the love child of Coolio and Jennifer Coolidge conceived in the Arctic! (I already used this in a text but I'm recycling my witticism. It's good for the environment).

I do not use prostitutes!

2008-03-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

Spark says that I am more desired than 81% of all males. That's pretty good I'd say, and as Spark says it then it must be true (Spark's a pointless app on Facebook that seems to have installed itself).
Something doesn't quite add up though. Here I am, apparently more attractive than all but a small selection of Males, despite my more than ample nose, and yet I haven't had a date since October. And that went to shit and all. So I guess Spark can't be quite the accurate barometre of sexuality that it claims to be.

I'm questioning my empty love-life as I've had a cross section of my family come to visit this weekend see and as all young single guys probably know that means you have to explain why you aren't dating anyone. Mostly I think they're trying to trick you into admitting to being gay, or a user of prostitutes, because they seem quite dissapointed when you just say 'well, I'm shite with women'.
I had a promising start at the beginning of the year but it quickly all went wrong as usual. The problem is definitely with my technique. Which is as follows: first I section them off from their group and then just talk at them for as long as I can; I don't give them a chance to speek themselves, just keep talking. Then after around an hour, when the conversation has run dry and they're dazzled and confused (in a state resembling shell shock), I take their number and then pretend I have to leave (so I don't do anything stupid to make them try and get their number back). Then I text them a couple of times before arranging a date. On this date I then decide that the annoying mole on their face is too much to bare so I give them the cold shoulder/act a bit rude so they get the hint (for example instead of holding the door open for them I might just let it go as they walk through). After the date I say we are better off as friends. I then repeat this with someone new.
My other technique which isn't much better is to get myself so drunk that I don't notice their mole/wonky eyebrow. Then I slowly dance near and nearer at them while grinning wildly (my grin has been described as mildly creapy) before moving in for the kill (although obviously I'm not actually killing them). The problem is because I'm so drunk I then normally do something stupid thinking I'm Superman or Captain Jack Sparrow, or I tell them something private that really no one should have to know, and I end up embarrased and alone.
Now it's too late for Leeds anyway as I only have three months-ish left. Ah well.

Having my family was nice despite the interrogation though. I had my Mum and Step Dad Pete over as well as my Aunt and Uncle on Mum's side and my Polish Aunt from my Dad's side. So it was an interesting mix. We spent Saturday in the 'Bombay stores' (they sell Indian desses, not really my cup of tea) before coming back to mine. Mum wasn't appreciateive of the decor here and seemed to think I was living in a cess-pit. She had brought loads of food though including tuna paste (hard to find these days and completely essential), tuna cans, chilli concane, apple juice, banana chips... the works. So result.
My sister had also sent me some stuff although she didn't come herself. Her's were more eccentric gifts though. She sent me a bullet from the trenches, and this:

I have a really weird family (I do love it though; it's brilliant in a twisted scary way and it's cheered me up no end (and the bullet is darn cool too)).

In the evening we met with the others and went to a Russian restaurant which was nice as a different alternative to curry or Italian. We were about the only people in there though except the entertainment which was one Russian fellow with a guitar and a keyboard singing pop with Russian lyrics. There was a dance floor but it was tragically empty (I considered geting up to do the Russian dance and show off my leg strength for the benefit of the fit waitress but decided against it incase that was very offensive).
The food was very decent however (although I for some reason ordered olives with my main course instead of something normal) and the alchohol flowed and we all got quite merry. I sampled Russian, Lithuanian and Ukranian beer (the latter of which was 8%) which is good for Goof and my 'round the world in 80 drinks' project. It's strange drinking with family, it feels kind of wrong, but it was definitely a good night. I stayed at Aunty Sue's to save on driving.

Sunday we spent most of the time in Harrogate. We had to go to this famous cafe called 'Bettie's' apparently, but we spent an hour looking for it before deciding the que was too long. We carried on looking for something authentic but it was all closed so we ended up eating in Weatherspoons. We came to the conclusion that you can't beat a good £4.50 pub lunch.
All this has made me look forward even more to returning home for Easter on Thursday.

Other than that I haven't much to report. Except that I have been systematically mullering each of my fingers. I don't know why but for some reason I keep battering them.
First my middle finger went when I trapped it in my front door, then my thumb went when I sliced it on some glass (I finished my workout while bleeding all over the weights, it was well hardcore), then the other day I stumped my over thumb when I fell off the weird high-up skirting board in my room (I'm climber - it was just asking to be traveresed).
I need my fingers too. I mean we all need fingers, but I need them arguably even more seeing as 9/10ths of my job consists of typing...
Oh yeah and my gut has been pulsating for the last two hours. I may be dying.

Tomorrow I'm having drinks with work for St Patrick's Day but I've just realised it's going to clash with my gym session. There's only one thing for it then: drunken post-pub gyming! I'll let you know how that goes.

Finally I'll leave you with this, another stunt video from my old trix team 'Team Core'. Ah the good old crew. As an interesting side note when I start hopping up and down that is actually because I've broken my toe!

Now for something completely different

2008-03-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

There's this big geazer at my gym who I've always looked up to a bit. He's like me but a little bit better and I've always though 'if that's me in a year's time - I'll be quite happy'.
Today though, he was doing leg raises on a bench, and everytime he lifted them his t-shirt fell down exposing his back. On his back however, was a giant arrow - pointing directly at his arse. It's disturbing and wrong. It's probably best that I don't comment any further than that but suffice to say I sincerely hope that that's not me in a year's time. If it is then my life will have turned out dramatically different than I hoped.

Work's been quite interesting today too - I've gotten to write about a real-life mentalist (can you tell I'm studying psychology?). This guy basically sent me a letter along with a book that he wrote based on his experiences during the first half of his life - which he spent in an insane asylum. He didn't give any contact details other than an address and his letter was scrawled onto various sheets of A4 - some portrait some landscape. The book is also littered with strange drawings with labels such as 'human fruit'. Mildly terrifying, but that's one of the reasons this job is interesting.
Also satisfying at work is when you walk passed a bookshop and see a book in the window and you think 'I interviewed her'. Or like today, when you talk to some big bod in publishing who's just about to unlease a new book series. I'm the big dog.

I also read some interesting poetry at work. Lots of our writers like poems see, and sometimes they do these inciteful ones about themselves that are all personal and shit. So I thought I'd give it a go, dig deep and write down a truthful reflection of my life and my feelings. But all I kept coming up with were 'Robots! Neeeeow - boom! Sex explosions! He's a hero! Yeah!' Which isn't that poetic.

Here's a real attempt, it's called 'My Dark Inciteful Mind'

Here I sit,
In this ivory tower of mine,
In the darkness
Thinking, contemplating
Of what do I think?
Robots! And flying and then boom! Explosions! Yeah!

I think I will probably stick to the weird stories and health articles.

Keeping to the theme of writing, but moving away from that bit of weirdness, here is an extract from a piece of feedback I got for my book Death to the Traitor for anyone who's interested. In parts it could be crushing for most people, but I a) am very thick skinned and b) didn't tell them that I started writing it when I was 15...

As I had hoped form reading the synopsis the author has developed a complex plot, with an interesting array of characters whose personalities he brings across almost immediately. The wry sense of humor does come through, but unfortunately it often doesn't achieve it's full impact because it has been used too heavy-handedly. (For example film references: sometimes they are too thick-and-fast to be successful)
My immediate impression is that it reads like a verbalisation of a graphic novel: using rapid series of imagery and actions, there often isn't 'time' for the reader to feel any association with the events.

I have left out the part where they said it was not even worth wiping their arse with, but otherwise I take this as a victory - back of the net!

A brief interlude just to let you know of something ridiculous that just happened:

Basically as I've been typing this, Si just popped round to fetch Rich's shoes which he left here (Si's going back down to Bournemouth for Easter). When I got the call my mind went wild with ideas; I put on my black cardigan and ran downstairs giggling, before I hid myself in the shadows.
Si had been a wanker - he had told me to go downstairs a full five minutes before he arrived. So while hiding, looking a bit like a thug, another identical car pulls up and someone gets out and walks to the door. It's already obvious to anyone reading that I basically leapt out on a fellow tenant that I didn't even know while dressed in black and screamed 'Aaaaaaarrrrgh!!!!'. The poor bloke shat himself (that just makes it more annoying - it would have worked!).
As regular readers know that's pretty dangerous in this building - I may well have been shot (that would be a stupid way to die). Luckily though he was a guy I hadn't met and was very sound about it. He even shook my hand once he calmed down. I feel pretty small.
I also gave Si a sock for his birthday in what I thought would be a hilarious joke. He actually took the sock though and I can't afford to buy another one...

Other than that, that's your lot. This has been a weird blog entry huh? The only other thing is that I had an awesome dream last night that I was James bond and I had this cool flying car - then to top it off I sleapt with 'the princess' (apparently there is a princess).

That dream was immediately followed however by another more bizarre one where I was at a house party. For some reason I didn't seem to know anyone and I was really hungry, so when no-one was looking I picked up their dog's toy bear and ate it. Then I felt really guilty as they had everyone searching for it. And it tasted terrible.

Oh yeah, and the Biomatrix is still comething.

Leeds vs Bournemouth

2008-03-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

I've just noticed I've been gone for an entire week! Oops. I really am sorry, I know a lot of people plan their entire lives around this blog and I only pray that not too many people decided to end it all (by not too many I probably mean anything under 4 people).

My excuse is that I've actually been doing things and stuff lately. I'm still working on the Biomatrix of course and I'm really enjoying it. Everyday after work and my exercises I snuggle up on the couch with a cushion and my bed time puppets, put on Classic FM and type away in the dim light with a mug of tea. It's not normal, but that's my idea of bliss.
(Bad news with the site though - it turns out that it's $6 a month, not $6 for two years... which did seem pretty cheap... so nearly £90 came out of my account today. I am so screwed.)
I also made this nice quiz for the current site to help people choose a gym. Behold my flashy Java!

My lame little existence was turned on its head this weekend though when a bunch of marauding reprobates turned up at my door. Originally I was actually expecting different guests this weekend but when I thought I was going to have to be travelling to attend to some business I had to cancell. My other lot meanwhile were visiting Si and so when it turned out I was infact going to be in Leeds it meant that they decided to crash here instead and that I could go to the Leeds vs Bournemouth game.

They arrived on Friday. I'd left my keys in my car unlocked all day for them and so was anxious to get home all day incase I got cleared out. When I did get back I was pleased to find nothing was missing but nor had they arrived yet. When they did get here, 'they' being Goof, Rich and Windle (he's new (turned out to be a nice guy, although I think he may have been a bit confused by the group dynamic...)), I cooked them up some lovely pot roast chicken. This went down well although Goof found reason to complain as apparently there wasn't enough (during the course of the weekend he also complained that I was taking up too much bed, that the clubs looked rough and that there was too much marmite on his bread among other things).
We then set off into Headingley for a few drinks before relocating to Leeds city centre, specifically we went into Bar Risa although it gets a little fuzzy from there. I do know that we went into a Subway at some point and Goof and I got into trouble for elbowing each other.

Saturday we all felt pretty rough. I felt particularly bad as I was not only hung over, but exhausted having had approximately no sleep sharing with Goof. He fidgets, scratches his balls all the time and makes weird noises. Frankly it's more hygenic and pleasant sleeping with my dog. I feel sorry for his future wife.

Still though we managed to make it to the game. Normally I'd rather watch paint dry than watch a game of football on TV (yes, even England), but I don't mind the odd match if I'm there in person as I enjoy the atmosphere. Leeds' stadium is quite large and I enjoyed pretending I was standing on a platform and all the applause was for me. I was in Rome too (my Mum worries I'm a megalomaniac... she's probably right).

This game also had special signifance for me as it was sort of a metaphore for my time here. It was my old home that I yearn for versus this new evil place. Seeing as I had mates from Bournemouth with me too the analogy was perfect.

We lost 2-0.

Still, as I said at the time - they may have won, but at least we don't have to live in a shithole for the rest of our lives (and they all agreed that this place has no redeeming features). Leeds won the battle but we won the war.
Another point of interest was the appearance of Big Fletch. Big Fletch is something of a hero to me. He's charismatic and built like a brick shit house. A leader of men. He played for Bournemouth for over 10 years but he was recently let go. Still he made an appearance as a fan, the away stand went mental when he marched in. I was praying that when Bournemouth started to do badly (the beginning really) that he'd leap up from his seat, run down, burst out of his clothes like Superman to reveal his Bournemouth kit underneath, dive onto the pitch (doing eight flips in the air), land, and score one of his super-awesome headers. That didn't happen, he just sat there.
I got a picture of him, but I didn't want him to think I was gay/a stalker so I had to do it all covert like. So it's a bit shit.

You can tell he's amazing though right?

After this we got in some pizzas before heading off for another night out. I must be getting old or something though, I think it must be the job that's doing it to me, and the others seem to be experiencing the same problem. We were all still hung over to drink and so when we got to the bars we just didn't know what to do with ourselves. In the first place we just literally stood still in the middle of the floor staring. Si is used to this not drinking malarky but he had no helpful advice.

From there the night got possibly more shambolic as we disagreed on where to go next - meaning we walked around for an hour then went home. So not the perfect way to experience Leeds for them and I got all shitty with everyone to make matters worse. I blame this on Goof preventing me from sleeping.

Once we got into mine though we settled down with a cup of tea and watched 'Top 100 annoying pop moments until 4am'. This actually turned out to be very pleasant and probably an even better way to spend the evening. Although I'm pretty worried that we're a bit old before our time and at this rate I'll probably be dead in two weeks.
Rich was fulfilling the role of the grumpy old man too with scathing attacks at any celebrity or minorty group that cropped up on TV or in conversation. Nothing was safe from dwarves to fat people to Bruce Forcythe.
For a slice of Rich's angry rants you can check out his new article: What Annoys Me.

After they left I was returned to my quiet little existence, missing my time in Bournemouth all the more. Not long now! I've had a pleasant day at work though, although I spent all of it completely knackered.
I still gymed it up this afternoon though because I am a trooper. I've decided to bury the hatchet with the gym tyrant as it seems he's not such a bad guy after all.
I discovered this when I accidentally hit him with a bench which I was carrying around the gym with me to the bafflement of everyone there. In this circumstance he'd have had every right to get a bit pissy (although being made from granite he probably didn't feel it) but he actually just said 'no worries mate'. I then felt guilty for hounding him lately, something that I feel he may have been unaware of all along. I thought we like were Cane and Able...

Oh and a piece of good news! Another publisher is looking over my completed manuscript for Death to the Traitor, the script is achieving more success than I'd have hoped for but I did restrain from doing any premature dancing in the shower this time.